Dori Durbin: [00:00:00] Welcome to That's Good Parenting, the podcast that searches for simple steps to reduce your parenting stress. I'm your host, Dorrie Durbin, children's book illustrator, book coach, and podcaster. I help experts kid-size their content into children's books families can enjoy long after this podcast is over.

Dori Durbin: Parents, if you've ever watched your child play a sport, you probably know how easy it is to get caught up in the moment. You want them to do well, you want them to succeed, and sometimes it's hard not to get a little over-invested in what the outcome is. But what if things we are celebrating as parents aren't always the things that are helping our kids actually grow?

Dori Durbin: Today's guest, David Farkas, has spent 25 years coaching young athletes. He's a coach, actor, father of three, and ded- is dedicated much of his work to helping kids develop their skills, confidence, and character through sports. He's also the author of Stop Chasing Highlights, a book that challenges parents to rethink what [00:01:00] success really looks like for young athletes, as well as some others that I'll ask him about in a little bit here.

Dori Durbin: Today, we're talking about how we can support our kids, encourage healthy competition, and help them enjoy sports without their confidence or their self-worth being the scoreboard itself. David, welcome to That's Good Parenting. 

David Farkas: Thank you so much for having me. Appreciate it. 

Dori Durbin: Uh, I told you before we started, I am super excited about your perspective on this, because you have spent time with young athletes.

Dori Durbin: You've been in youth sports. You've, your kids have been coached. I'm curious what you've noticed over the years changing, especially in the way that parents approach competition for their kids. 

David Farkas: The biggest thing I see, when I was a kid, when we were playing in high school, the stands were mostly empty for most games.

David Farkas: If- we used to joke around, the cheerleaders that would come to our games would just kinda sit on the sidelines and do their homework. They weren't even interested. It was kind of embarrassing. Just a, you know, a few spattering appearance. Maybe for the [00:02:00] most important games at the end of the season, there would be some fans and spectators and excitement, but for the most part it was empty.

David Farkas: And so when you're playing in front of nobody, you play for the pure love of the game. There's a purity there. You're playing with your team, with your coach, and you're together. It's not about the spectators. When I go back to high school games today, the stands are packed for every game, and there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but you asked me what's changed.

David Farkas: There's a heightened sense of importance placed on regular season games now that was never there when I was a kid. And so, uh, a goal will be scored and man, you would think that someone just got the Nobel Peace Prize for, you know, solving world hunger or something. Like, it's ama- like, it's absolutely incredible the roar of the crowd.

David Farkas: That would only exist, like, in our state CIF finals game, but now that's every game. And so I actually have a chapter in the book [00:03:00] called, um, It's Not Game Seven, and that and I do this too. I sometimes I'll be watching my kids, and I'll just get so fired up and excited and I'm like, "I think I might be overdoing it."

David Farkas: It's like Wednesday night. We're at Hillsdale Park. Okay, this is not the World Series. So that's to me the biggest thing is sometimes we treat every game like it's game seven in the World Series, and maybe we need to just kinda take a step back and not place so much importance on every game. 

Dori Durbin: Why do you think that's changed?

David Farkas: Oh, man. That's a great question. We... Well, why do we have a term called helicopter parents now when we didn't when I was a kid? I grew up in the '80s and '90s. We didn't know about that. So I think it's all connected. We're more involved in our kids' lives now. When I think back to how I grew up, my parents really weren't that involved in my life.

David Farkas: You know, unless I messed up, they just let me do my thing. They didn't know when I had schoolwork to do. They didn't know [00:04:00] when I had projects. In fact, my mom jokes around, in the third grade I was the lead in a play, and she didn't know till she got there to the play. I never told her. Isn't that funny?

Dori Durbin: That's awesome. 

David Farkas: So I, I don't know. It's just not the wa- you know, they... My parents were busy with their business, and we had a great relationship. They were very attentive. Everything was great, but- It was just that w- they had their thing, I had my thing. 

Dori Durbin: Mm-hmm. 

David Farkas: It's different today. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah, it's a really interesting point that you bring up with the helicopter piece, because I do think that we, um, as parents typically feel, I guess like I said in the beginning, over-invested, over-concerned about results, whether they're results that our kids are producing or results our kids are part of, somehow we have some sort of, like, line and hook in it.

Dori Durbin: And what you're saying is before it, it was kind of up to, uh, the kids- Mm-hmm ... to create their world and their reality, so to speak. Yeah. 

David Farkas: Yeah, and if we, if, [00:05:00] if we think back to that time period, if we as parents think, "Well, there's certain advantages to that," then we should incorporate that today. And that's why, and I, I wanna make it clear to everybody, 'cause I don't wanna come off like, "Hey, parents, you gotta do this.

David Farkas: I have all the answers." What I'm trying to do is I'm trying to make us think about things, because like I said earlier, I was guilty of this, too. I was just at a sporting event with my kid, and I went absolutely crazy when he scored a goal. Mm-hmm. And I, in my head, was thinking, "It's not game seven." So I think it's valuable just to think about these things, you know, so we...

David Farkas: 'Cause if, when we go crazy like that, we're unintentionally saying to our kid, "This is extremely important," right? So, and that that's, that's why the book is, is called Be Careful About What You Celebrate, because you're communicating with your child through your celebration. I was communicating with my child that that goal was super important, and I have to be careful about what I communicate to them.

David Farkas: [00:06:00] Uh, is the most important thing. What is the most important thing? Is it that goal? No, it's not. So I need to be careful. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. That's, um, I was gonna actually start to ask you, so what is the most important thing? Yeah. But before you answer that, I think there is a lot to, I hate to say, like, the social media piece of it.

Dori Durbin: There's something, you know, that all, like, every parent seems right now to want to be able to, I don't wanna say boast, but show that their kids are capable of. Mm-hmm. And then when they do have that moment, it's becomes just huge, and then you have to get in the car and drive home, right? And- 

David Farkas: Yeah ... 

Dori Durbin: so the next thing is that conversation right in the car.

Dori Durbin: You're laughing. You know where I'm going. So let me ask you first of all, what should we really be celebrating, and second of all, what should we be saying after something like that where they do do well? 

David Farkas: Okay. The first thing is easy. The m- there can only be one most important thing. It has to be goodness and character.

David Farkas: Has to be. It doesn't [00:07:00] mean those other things are important. I wrote a book y- I know we're not talking about that book right now, but the first book I wrote was called Don't Make Noise, Lose with Poise, and I wrote it because my kids would lose their minds when they lost a game. I couldn't handle it. Like, w- oh my gosh, we took video of our kids one time throwing a fit after they lost a game so we could show them what they looked like, 'cause I wanted...

David Farkas: They l- they were, it was embarrassing. And all the books that I went, 'cause I straight, I go straight to books when I wanna teach my kids something. I read books with them. And I went to online, searched on Amazon, books about losing. And all the books were like, "It's okay if you lose. It doesn't matter. It's just okay if you have fun."

David Farkas: Well, that's not what I wanted to tell my kids, because competition, I want my kids to compete. I want them to want to win. I don't wanna teach them not to... I don't wanna extinguish the fi- Kids naturally have a fire to want to win. Have you noticed that? Kids want to win. That, that's awesome. Competition [00:08:00] raises your level of performance.

David Farkas: It raises how hard you work. It, it, it's wonderful in the right way. So what I wanted to do is, was teach my kids it's okay to wanna win. It's okay to not like to lose. Now, what do we do with that? What do we do with that frustration, right? That's the thing. So similarly, it's not that scoring the goal or winning the game or being smart or being happy is not important.

David Farkas: All those things are really important, but there can be only one most important. And so we have to be clear to our kids the most important thing is character, and everything else comes beneath that. And this is not me who said this. I'm, I'm ripping this off straight from Dennis Prager. This is his thing, but it's genius, and it...

David Farkas: I know he's a political guy, but this has nothing to do with politics. Zero. He said parents should ask their kids this question: "What do you think I most want you to [00:09:00] be?" So you're, as a parent, you're asking your kid, "What do you think I most want you to be?" So your kid is telling you the messages that he's been getting from you.

David Farkas: And you ask him, "Is it happy, smart, successful, or good? What do you think I want, happy, smart, successful, or good?" If they answer good, then you know the messages you've been sending them are on point. If they s- answer successful... Let's say they answer smart, okay? That's a, that's a good feedback, right?

David Farkas: Because now you know as a parent you've been emphasizing grades and learning, okay? Nothing wrong with that, but they think that's number one, okay? But we all know that intelligence without goodness and wisdom is a problem, so that's the most important thing. That's what we should be teaching our kids.

Dori Durbin: That's awesome. I love that test. That's a quick litmus test. Honest answer back. 

David Farkas: Prager is unbelievable. That is an, an [00:10:00] amazing test. I do it with my kids all the time. 

Dori Durbin: So what about that car ride afterwards? Okay. Your kid scored the goal. You may or may not have reacted to it. What does that conversation look like in the car on the way back?

David Farkas: I tell parents the car ride should be similar whether they win or lose. That's how you know if you're doing it right. It shouldn't be elation, you're amazing, you're wonderful when you win, and then criticism and critiques when you lose. You can talk about, you can ask them questions like, w- what did you see out there?

David Farkas: You know, in this play, what happened? Um, what kind of improvements did you make this game over the last game? Or that play when you did that, like what was going through your mind at that time, right? So that these questions are questions you can ask them whether they won or whether they lost. What are the things, even when they won, what are the things that you wanna work on for next time?

David Farkas: Can we, can we go in the [00:11:00] backyard? I'll work on that with you. What drills did you see, um, that you could do better, right? And so all those things are neutral in terms of winning and losing. And the other thing is you have to, you have to read the room with your kid. There's two things. You have to read the room, and you have to, um, you can't treat every kid the same.

David Farkas: You know this. Every parent, every parent knows this Yeah ... some kids, you can give them feedback in the car ride home after a loss, and they're great. Other kids, just let it go. And so you have to read the room. You have to be a- That's why they call it the art of parenting, 'cause it's not, right? It's art. You have to kinda

David Farkas: So let's say you're in the car ride home and you start saying something like, "You know, you gotta..." Let's say for soccer, "You, you gotta kick the ball harder because your passes aren't getting to your teammate." And you notice that your kid just starts shutting down. [00:12:00] Okay, then you back off and you move on to something else.

David Farkas: So you gotta be smart. And then what you can do is, after a day or two after, maybe that weekend, maybe you just go in the backyard with them and kick the ball around with them and play a game with them. "Hey, you wanna s- try to score on me? You know, what's your coach been working on with you in practice?

David Farkas: Let's do that drill. I wanna see. Show me. Show me." I, I like this one. Ask the kids to show you and teach you. The dr- Turn it around on them. Have them teach you. See now, they're working on their drills, but they're, like, in charge. So it's, you get what you want, they get what they want. It's a win-win. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah, and you're giving them confidence to do it in front of an adult- Mm-hmm

Dori Durbin: teach- you know, showing them that they know what they're doing, um, which is a big deal, too. Which is something- Yeah ... I think sports do offer if, if you can lock into that, that confident sense of being able and capable of performing something. 

David Farkas: Right. And, and they're teaching you the drill, so that repetition of them thinking.

David Farkas: When you [00:13:00] have to teach something, you've gotta know it. 

Dori Durbin: So true. Well, so if we're going to celebrate something that they're doing, how do I celebrate things like effort or consistency or being a good teammate? Like, how, how do I bring that up without being, like, on top of them and helicoptering? 

David Farkas: That's a good question.

David Farkas: Everything I noticed from coaching and then b- when I became a parent is, um, trying to get ahead of everything. Mm-hmm. So if you, if you start to try to do this after the game, it's kinda too late. What you have to do is before the game, when you're at home just chit-chatting, maybe at bedtime, you start to talk about the things that are important to you in a game.

David Farkas: So you can say to your son or daughter, "Listen, in that game tomorrow, I just wanna see you work hard. I wanna see you play good with your teammates, and I don't wanna see you hang your head if you get scored on. If you do those three things, I'm a happy camper. I don't care if you win or you lose. You, you stay mentally tough, you play together with your team, and you compete hard, [00:14:00] I'm gonna be thrilled."

David Farkas: So then- After the game, you can say, "Hey, did you stay mentally tough? Did you get down when they scored on you?" And they say, "No, I didn't." "Yeah, you're right, you didn't. Good job. Did you play good with your teammates?" "Yeah, I did." "Okay, good job. Did you compete?" "Yeah." "Okay, I'm happy." So you've set, you've set them up to succeed because, by the way, all three of those things are 100% in their control, and that's, that's what you have to do, and that's what I learned from John Wooden, is that he focused on all the things under his control.

David Farkas: He n- if you l- you research John Wooden, which I did a lot, he doesn't talk about winning, but all he did was win, right? But he, he understood that To talk about winning was pointless, because you don't control whether you win or lose, right? If we did, we would never l- we would never lose. I would have never lost, right?

David Farkas: You look at the best, like, I love basketball. [00:15:00] Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, their record is, like, you know, 62, 65%. That means, you know, they lost 35% of their games. That's the best athletes on the planet. So to, to tell a kid, "Let's win this game," is worthless. How do you, how do you do that, right? But tell a kid, "Hey, work your butt off.

David Farkas: Don't quit. Pass to your teammates when you... Make the right play at the right time. You know? If you make a mistake, keep your head up. Keep your head in the game." Then they go in knowing they can do all those things, and that, that was the genius of John Wooden. 

Dori Durbin: I love that these are descriptors that are not, like, "You're a superstar.

Dori Durbin: You're fabulous." Uh-huh. "You're the best one on the team," you know, those kinds of things. It's like, to be told that you have perseverance, that you have tenacity during the game. Yeah. You know, things that, like, are measurable, but they're not, um, they're not labels in the sense, right? 

David Farkas: Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: Do you think that performs, helps the kids to perform better and the parents- [00:16:00] Yes

Dori Durbin: communicate better? Okay. 

David Farkas: Absolutely, because what is, "You're a superstar," first of all, I don't even know what that means, because this frustrates me to no end as a coach. Do you know when a goal is scored, a goal is just the end result of, like, 20 things that happened prior that needed to go right. Somebody needed to steal the ball on the defensive end and move it up, if we're talking about soccer.

David Farkas: If we're talking about basketball, somebody needed to rebound that ball and outlet. Somebody needed to make the pass before the pass before the pass before the pass. Somebody needed to set a screen, right? Okay, and then the last person gets to score the goal. He's the superstar? Why? Right? No. It's great. I like scoring.

David Farkas: That's fine. But I appreciate, and this is what I tell parents, too, and this will help on the car ride home, appreciate the little things, which actually aren't that little. Appreciate the fundamentals. I'm all about fun- every coach is about fundamentals. [00:17:00] Every, every good coach is all about fundamentals.

David Farkas: I'll give you one quick example for soccer, just one that parents can just latch onto. Let's say I'm on offense, and I make a hard cut to the goal. hard, I run hard, and a defender comes with me because I'm so aggressive and I suck in that defender. Okay. Well, let's say that defender moving with me opens up a free teammate to then get the ball and shoot it and score, right?

David Farkas: Everybody in the crowd sees the guy shoot and score. The coach sees the hard cut. Do you know why? Because that's a selfless play. That's a play that gets no recognition, no fame, no stat. There's no stat for hard cut, but he did that for the team, right? So if a parent sees that, on the car ride home, he can say to that kid, "Man, your hard cut opened up that goal.

David Farkas: You're the reason why they scored. Nice job." So we've gotta be able to, to, um, learn a little bit about the little things [00:18:00] that are the big things in games that make things happen. Football's a great example. I mean, football, you have to be totally selfless to play football. Yes, the quarterback gets the fame, but what about those linemen that all they do is just bump and grind the whole game, right?

David Farkas: What about the guy, all his job is to bump a guy and then, like, set a screen or, you know, protect the quarterback? He gets, he gets very little recognition for that. I, I... Sports is so much more than one goal being scored. It's a beautiful thing of a team coming together, of selfless plays. And I know I'm talking a lot, but can I say one more thing?

David Farkas: This is why it drives me nuts. I just watched this, 'cause, you know, I'm in soccer right now. I'm coaching my kid, I'm coaching my kid's soccer team, so I'm watching a lot of soccer. And I watched a kid the other day score a goal, and then he went to, you know, do a little dance routine to the spectators. And I [00:19:00] wasn't coaching.

David Farkas: If I was coaching that kid, I would've benched him, because I would've told him, "After you score, you go straight to the guy who passed it to you and you say nice pass. You don't showboat in front of the parents like you're Messi at the World Cup." You know? Hm. I just can't handle that, you know? It, that- Was he- Go 

Dori Durbin: ahead

Dori Durbin: was he egged on by the, the, um, crowd? Did the crowd cheer him on? 

David Farkas: They didn't dislike it like I did. They accepted it. I don't know if they cheered him on. I thought it was disgusting. I, I... And it's not the kid's fault. I don't blame the kid. Uh, the coach, that's when good coaches need to step up. Not be mean.

David Farkas: I wouldn't be, I wouldn't yell at him. I'd just say, "We don't do that on this team." Right. "Okay? If you wanna celebrate, celebrate with your teammates who, who passed you the ball. I don't wanna see you, you know, lowering the ceiling or whatever the heck they do." But that's the problem with, um, professionals when they do it, [00:20:00] is it trickles down to the kids.

David Farkas: But we can't let our kids do that. It's just not... I don't, I don't like it. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. I don't, I don't, I do not disagree with you on that. I just feel like it's so, um, like you said, it's, it's selfish. Yeah. And when you look back at how many steps, like you said, it took to even get to that kid, to even get to the point that he could score, there's just way too many people involved in that whole line.

Dori Durbin: It's, yeah, it's- Otherwise it's one person on the whole team. 

David Farkas: Right. It's, "Look at me. Look at how great I am." No. That's not the message I want to send, and that's not the message you should be sending. Maybe you are the best player on our team, fine. Get with your teammates and thank them, because you can't do it by yourself.

David Farkas: If you wanna do it by yourself, become a swimmer. I say go play golf, and you do it all by yourself. But even in golf you have a caddy. 

Dori Durbin: That's true. That's, there are very few sports that you're just by yourself. Run- Yeah ... 

David Farkas: running, 

Dori Durbin: you're, it's 

David Farkas: just- Running ... every team ... cross-country running. Right. But that's why I prefer team sports.

David Farkas: Mm-hmm. I, I've nothing again- You know, I [00:21:00] was a swimmer, so I, I understand individual sport. I was, I play tennis, so I, I love tennis, but I love doubles when I play tennis. I just prefer, I like being a part of something special. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. That's awesome. 

David Farkas: But it's not special if you have one guy showboating and everybody else is just sitting back in the shadows.

Dori Durbin: Not at all. Well, let me ask you the other end of this, not the successes. So one of the things that I do as an illustrator is I think about, like, how characters develop and what causes what, you know, kind of chain reaction. So if you think about a player and they're used to doing well and they have a failure- 

David Farkas: Hmm

Dori Durbin: um, how can we help as parents to get them to still feel confident in spite of that? Like, know that this is not, you know, they're not gonna have to do the un-dance of defeat kind of thing. 

David Farkas: Well, see, a- again, it's a great question. Again, I, I say you have to get ahead of it. You can't wait till they have [00:22:00] this, whatever failure it is, and then start in talking to them about how to address failure.

David Farkas: You have to be ahead of it. 

Dori Durbin: Hmm. 

David Farkas: And to, uh, understand failure, we have to first define success. Okay? And I talk about this a lot in my book because how we define, now you've gotten into the nugget of the, the beginning of how we do everything as parents. We must define success correctly, and then everything gets built on top of that definition of success.

David Farkas: Okay, so are you ready for my definition of success? 

Dori Durbin: I am. 

David Farkas: It's John Wooden. I go straight to the greats. I don't rely on myself. John Wooden said, "Success is peace of mind attained only through self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do the best of which you're capable." This seems like a complicated quote, but I use this one because there's so much to it and it's amazing.

David Farkas: Hmm. Um, I tell kids, so it's, the first part of it, success is peace of mind. Well, in [00:23:00] mathematics we learn that is means equals, right? So success equals peace of mind. Ah. Success is peace of mind. That means John Wooden is saying, "If you have peace of mind, you have succeeded." Okay? Now, how do you get peace of mind?

David Farkas: Success is peace of mind attained only through self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do the best of which you're capable. So if you put forth maximum effort, you take the satisfaction from knowing that you did your best, and from that satisfaction comes, ah, peace of mind. So when you go into a game, the idea is not, "If I score two goals, it's good.

David Farkas: If I score zero goals, I'm a failure." It's not that. It's not, "If we win, succeed. If we lose, I'm a failure." It's not that. It's one thing, the maximum effort. And I extend it not only to that game. Did you put ma- [00:24:00] maximum effort into your practice? Did you prepare? Did you get to... I would tell my kids, "Are you at practice on time?

David Farkas: Am I, am I having to struggle to get you out of the house because you're not ready? That's not acceptable." That's preparation, right? Don't be upset because you lost the game when you're late to practice, right? Okay. So if the kids are upset they lost the game, let's get ready 30 minutes before practice.

David Farkas: Let's be right on time. Let's work hard. Let's focus. Let's get to the game and work our butts off. Then, win or lose, I'm good. 

Dori Durbin: The preparation for what they wanna achieve. 

David Farkas: Correct. Correct. Yeah. Are you working hard? Are you doing your best? 

Dori Durbin: Mm-hmm. 

David Farkas: That's success. So there is no... The failure comes from a failure to prepare or laziness Well, again, like I said, those are all controllable things.

David Farkas: I would tell my, my son or daughter, "Were you being [00:25:00] lazy at practice?" If they say yes, then okay, now you know what you need to do. Don't be lazy. Instead of, "Win this game." And I, I tell kids, too, if a coach says, "We need to win this game," you translate that in your head to, "I need to do my best. I need to get to practice, prepare, work hard, and do my best."

David Farkas: You translate, because not all parents and coaches are versed in the vocabulary that they should be. Not everybody's John Wooden. I'm sorry. I wish they were. But we have to be smart, so you tell your kid, if your coach says, "Win, we need to win," you tell your kid, "Translate that into this definition." 

Dori Durbin: Love that.

Dori Durbin: What if you have a kid who is putting all that in there- 

David Farkas: Yeah ... 

Dori Durbin: and is still coming up short while watching another fellow teammate not put in all their best and is the one who's getting the accolades? 

David Farkas: So in this situation, I would need to know a little bit more information, so let me ask you a couple questions.

David Farkas: When you say coming up short, do you mean they're not [00:26:00] improving? 

Dori Durbin: They're not improving. They're not performing at the level that maybe is expected of them. I think of, like, you know, races and things where, like, there are times, there's places that are important to the team. Right. And maybe they're not keeping those.

Dori Durbin: Meanwhile, they have another teammate who's going to half the things, sort of wants to do it, but still performs where they're supposed to be performing. 

David Farkas: Yeah. Uh, when you, when you were saying that, I, I had a flashback When I was a kid, I, I, I swam in Arizona, and I just happened to be on a swim team. I didn't know this at the time, but there were amazing swimmers on my swim team.

David Farkas: Like, the swimmers on my swim team ended up going to Stanford, and Cal, and D1 t- D1 swim programs. That's how good they were. And a few years back, I watched some old videos. I didn't remember how good I was, to be honest, at swimming. I didn't like it that much. Um, so there's some old videos of me just, [00:27:00] like, eye of the tiger on the block, shaking my hands, like, looking like I'm just gonna kill the field, and then I jump in the pool, and then I'm, like, seventh place-

David Farkas: fifth place, eighth place. I was working my butt off because that's how I am. I, I just... My parents drilled that into me. It was always about work hard, and I was not that fast. I don't know what... I don't know. I just wasn't that fast, and the, and the other kids were faster than me. So I mean, what do I do with that, right?

David Farkas: So in that situation with that kid, with that child who's maybe not performing as well, what they're doing is they're comparing themselves with somebody else that has nothing to do with them. Um, I, I tell my kids all the time. I got my oldest daughter and then a son right under him. I tell my oldest daughter, "He's got nothing to do with you.

David Farkas: Nothing." And, and I tell my son, "She's got nothing to do with you." Right? You do your own thing. If you work hard... And I really, I really focus on improvement because that's, [00:28:00] that's the only thing we can hang our hats on. Are you getting better? And if you're getting better, you need to be okay with that. You gotta be...

David Farkas: A- and again, you mention, um, social media. This is the problem with social media. It's all about comparison, right? And talking about how great your kid is or how good they're doing on this, and it's not healthy to compare. It's just not. You're competing against yourself to be the best that you can be.

David Farkas: That's all you can do. And when I coached, my motto was maximizing the potential of all my students. Maximize. So m- you should be thinking to yourself, "I wanna maximize my potential." So to, to say to that child who comes at you and says, "I'm not, you know, I'm not as good as him, and I'm not, I'm not performing," I would say to that per- say to that child, "Maximize your potential.

David Farkas: You do the best you can do, and I will be thrilled with that result." And again, this is not the most important thing in our lives, this sporting event. I care more about the [00:29:00] service you did last week when you went to the retirement home and talked to old people. I care more about uh, how you handled yourself at the last party when you were so well-behaved and polite, and right?

David Farkas: So we can remind them of what the most important thing is so that when they go into that sporting event, if Johnny whatever is way better than them, it's not, it doesn't sting as much because they know that from their parents, this is not the most important thing. Right. See how I brought that all around to the beginning?

Dori Durbin: I did. I did. No, that's great. It really does give it a, a whole new perspective as far as how you, like you said, you set up your kids, how you talk about what's important. Uh, it's a lot different perspective than just the event. Um, let me ask you this. I'm curious, David. Yeah. When you think about the athletes that you have coached, what lesson or lessons do you hope they'll carry with them long after they're done competing?

David Farkas: When you play water polo, maybe a- [00:30:00] any s- any sport, any sport, there's things that you think you can't do when you start to try to do them. Mm. And then after you work hard for a while, you can do them, and it's special. 'Cause I've seen the look in a kid's eye, I'm gonna get emotional, when they finally get something they've been working on for months, and they feel so amazing.

David Farkas: And I can say to them, I can say to that child, "You did that. I didn't give that to you. You earned it." So what sports, and not only sports, but sports does it well, teaches us that self-esteem is earned. Mm. And when you earn it, it feels darn good. 

Dori Durbin: Love it. Love it. I, I appreciate the fact that that brought up so much feeling for you.

David Farkas: Um- Oh, that was probably my most favorite thing to do as a coach because I [00:31:00] didn't want that moment to fly by unnoticed 'cause, um, if... With water polo, we have to, um, tread water the whole time, and some kids really struggle with learning how to tread water. Some kids can tread water, they learn it in a week.

David Farkas: Mm. Some kids t- will take a year. Okay? And the kids that take a year, it means more to them. It, because they've worked so... I mean, e- everybody knows this. When you work really hard for something, when you finally get it, it means so much more to you And I didn't, I wouldn't want those moments to go by because it's such a valuable lesson.

David Farkas: Now you know how to achieve something. It may take you a year, it may take you two years, but you know you can do it. It's, it's really sweet. 

Dori Durbin: You make everybody wanna play water polo now. 

David Farkas: I know, it's a great sport. But I'm enjoying soccer now, too. I love all sports. Yeah. I'm gonna coach my daughter in basketball in a, in a month or two.

David Farkas: I can't get enough. 

Dori Durbin: That's awesome. Oh, that'll [00:32:00] be really fun. Something different. 

David Farkas: I'm exci- I'm excited, yes. I'm, I love basketball. I love, I love all sports. They're great in their own way. 

Dori Durbin: Well, you can tell. You can tell you definitely understand the mentality piece that needs to be there. That's awesome. So David, where is the best place for parents to learn more about what you do and what resources you offer?

David Farkas: DavidFarkas.com. So it's my name, David Farkas, F-A-R-K-A-S.com. I put, um, free resources, uh, in, on my website for the book for parents. And that question that I asked earlier, um, the question you wanna ask to your kids, "What do you think, um, what do, what do you think I most want you to be?" That's in there as a free resource.

David Farkas: So you can, um, download that page, print it out, and you can hand it to your kid, and they can fill it out. There's a little fill out thing where they can write down a sentence or two [00:33:00] about what they think the messages that you've been giving them. So it's a great resource among other things. I love that one.

David Farkas: Um, and then what I tell parents is, don't think of it as, again, success or failure. Think of it as just learning about what messages we're sending. We may be unintentionally sending a message we don't wanna send, right? So that question will help us, and that's what it's designed to do, just to help us.

David Farkas: We're all trying to do the best we can. 

Dori Durbin: No, you said it's a litmus test, quick test- It- ... something you can give you answers right away 

David Farkas: It's absolutely a litmus test, and it's a great one. Yeah, DavidFarkas.com, you can download all those. 

Dori Durbin: Awesome. Awesome. Are your books on that website, too? 

David Farkas: They're on there. Oh, okay.

David Farkas: There are links to them. They're, the books are on Amazon, but all the links are on my website, so that's a great place to go to check out the books. 

Dori Durbin: Perfect. Perfect. Okay, David, so we're down to our last question, and our last question 

David Farkas: Aw. I'm having so much fun. I could talk about this forever. 

Dori Durbin: I know. [00:34:00] We could go for another hour, right Well, one of the things I like to do is to give parents action steps at the end of the episode.

Dori Durbin: Okay. Something they can try, because really, like, those smallest things are the biggest challenges, right? So what's one thing a parent can do at, let's say maybe even their p- their child's next game, that will help the kids feel supported, the parents feel less stress, and everybody be a little happier on that car ride home?

David Farkas: Okay. I, I can only do one thing? 

Dori Durbin: I mean, I can, I can offer up a little more if you would 

David Farkas: like. All right. But I'll, I'll give... They're kinda connected. 

Dori Durbin: Okay. 

David Farkas: The, the thing parents can do at the next game is just cheer for their child. No critiques, no coaching from the sidelines, just cheer. It's hard. Mm-hmm.

David Farkas: You gotta zip it up. When you wanna say something, just lock it up. Don't say a word. Then I want, I want the parents to do this. I want them to observe the parents that [00:35:00] do coach their kids from the sideline, and I want them to observe what that does to the child vis-a-vis the parents. They're gonna notice, possibly When they see a parent coaching their kid, they're gonna notice that kid looking over to the sidelines more often than they should.

David Farkas: They're gonna see the kids focus, lose focus, and be distracted, and they might see the kid kinda be dejected So I found the most powerful things for parents is to watch other parents coach their kids and just observe that dynamic. 'Cause once you see it, then it's kinda like, "Ooh, okay, I do need to be quiet."

Dori Durbin: That's great. That's great. Yeah, and once you see it, you can't unsee it, right? It's stuck in there. 

David Farkas: Yes. I see it all the time, and it helps me. 'Cause we all think, I said this before on, on another show, we all think we have that one thing that's gonna help our kid in that game. It's not true. It's not gonna help.

David Farkas: It's, it's unhelpful. They're, you're not gonna be able to [00:36:00] say one thing that's going to turn around their game. And you can't... Every coach knows you can't teach things during a game anyway. You're very limited because it's a game. You're, you know, you got stuff going on. There's kids attacking you. You're not gonna be able to fix a fundamental issue with your game during a game.

David Farkas: You can make them aware of it, but that's the coach's job, not the parent's job. 

Dori Durbin: So true. So true. And honestly, like, I don't know about anybody else, but whenever I yelled something that I wish was different that my kids didn't do, I always immediately felt bad. 

David Farkas: Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: Like, there was like, like a release and then a guilt in- instantly.

Dori Durbin: Like, I shouldn't have just said that. So you save yourself, 

David Farkas: right? Yes. I saw a parent... No, I do this all the time. I watch. 'Cause this is how I learn. I saw a parent, he said something to his, his little kid was like five years old, right? He said something, his kid immediately went down, like dejected, like this, right?

David Farkas: You could just see the body language go, "Oh." And right after that, the parent [00:37:00] said, "But you're doing great, though," to try to make up for it, right? Well, nope, too late. You already messed up. You already messed up. That's what I'm thinking in my head. So in, what do I do with that? I say, "Okay, I need to not do that."

Dori Durbin: Yeah. 

David Farkas: He tried to correct himself after, but it's too late. 

Dori Durbin: Too late. Yeah. Oh, I have to... Okay, so I'm gonna add one more thing to your list. 

David Farkas: Okay. 

Dori Durbin: I, as a, okay, a loose competitive athlete, I'm gonna just call myself that, I hate it when I hear somebody yell, "You're doing so good. You just have a little bit longer."

Dori Durbin: And just like, don't say anything. Don't say anything, please. Yeah. You're making it so much worse. No. And I think that's very similar. Like, it's like, like you did this wrong, but guess what? You're doing great. Just keep going, you know? And you're- 

David Farkas: Yeah ... 

Dori Durbin: you might as well just, yeah, just not say anything. 

David Farkas: How about, "Nice, nice defense.

David Farkas: Good pass." Yeah. "Good shot. Nice try. You guys are doing great. Way to stay together." [00:38:00] Just- Yeah ... stay positive and, and cheer the good things. 

Dori Durbin: Yes. Yes. Love that. Oh my goodness, you've given parents so much to think about, David, and so many good, good suggestions. Honest- Thank 

David Farkas: you ... 

Dori Durbin: um, I appreciate your perspective on this.

Dori Durbin: And like I said, I, I think it's important, I think it's important for parents to really look at- What is it that this, this game is giving their kids? And you just don't want it to keep taking away from them. That's the opposite of what we wanna be doing. 

David Farkas: Yep. Absolutely. 

Dori Durbin: Well, thank you again. Thank you so much for your time today.

Dori Durbin: Thank you for sharing your perspective. I want people to check your website out, check your books out. Um, I just want people also to just consider, like, again, winning isn't everything, it's who your kids are becoming that is everything. And those small differences that we can say as parents or change ourselves are gonna make the biggest differences in how we parent and how we relate to our kids, too.

Dori Durbin: So it's super important. [00:39:00] So for everybody listening today, I want to just tell you that I am glad that you know that you're not a perfect parent, and I don't want you ever to think any of us think that we are. It's those little changes that we make every day that can make a big difference in our kids' lives, and even allow us to say at the end of day, of the day, "Now that, that moment, that was good parenting."

Dori Durbin: We'll talk to you soon