Hello, and welcome to That's Good Parenting, the podcast where we search for simple steps to reduce your parenting stress. I'm your host, Dori Durbin, children's book illustrator, book coach, and podcaster. 

Dori Durbin: I help parenting experts and family-focused professionals kid-size their biggest ideas into children's books that give lifelong skills to our precious little babies. Parents, I know that each and every one of us wants nothing more than to help our kids succeed. But what if our helping is actually backfiring and potentially lowering our kids' confidence and independence?

Dori Durbin: Today's guest is Alysa Smith, a parent coach, an educator, and executive function coach who is helping families make that shift every day. Alysa, welcome to the show. 

Alyssa Smith: Hi, Dori. It is awesome to be here. Thank you for having me. 

Dori Durbin: I'm so excited. ... Alysa, I would love for you to just talk a little bit about what led you from actually being a classroom [00:01:00] teacher- Mm

Dori Durbin: to shifting over to becoming a parent coach. What was the, your story behind that? 

Alyssa Smith: Ugh. Great question, Dori. And sadly, it's a little bit of a womp womp, like a little bit of a bummer to start your podcast off, but honestly, it ends beautifully. So we'll, we'll tell the womp womp part quickly. So I spent 17 years as a teacher on two continents, okay?

Alyssa Smith: And for a long time, I thought my job was really to help kids succeed in school, right? Like, be their personal best, discover who they were, et cetera. But really, just help them succeed. In the year 2022, my own life unraveled, like one piece after another. So as I was living over in South Korea, I suddenly, I got a phone call.

Alyssa Smith: I had lost my mom unexpectedly. I walked away from my teaching career one week before Mom passed away. I was like, "This is gonna be my last year. I'll be moving back to America. This is it," right? So I'm, like, walking away from this job in Korea. [00:02:00] Week later, lost Mom, and two months after that, my husband at the time and I finally separated.

Alyssa Smith: So it was like all of it unraveled literally. So I was a solo parent living abroad, and I pretty much, Dori, was like, "I'm rebuilding every part of my life." Yeah. Mm. And for a few months after that separation, that jolt of like, "This is my life," I was in- go, go. Apply for teaching jobs. Apply. And suddenly I had a, like, I had a moment, I had a spiritual moment, a wow, I'm being shaken awake moment that was like, wait.

Alyssa Smith: So we're resetting all of these aspects, but we're not even considering resetting the career that you love and you're amazing at, but it takes so much of your time. Mm-hmm. Alyssa, soak up this new life you're in. So what happened was I was like, "I need more time with my girls. I need to be fully present with them."

Alyssa Smith: And if you've taught or if you [00:03:00] know a teacher and you love one, you know how much they give on the day, right? Anyway what surprised me wasn't that life got hard, it was that, what I was learning in it, right? I realized that my girls and I didn't need to pretend everything was okay. All right? We didn't need to rush past the hard things, which I was trying to do.

Alyssa Smith: "Everything's okay. I got it." We instead could turn towards each other, right? We could turn towards the challenges together, and I got better at asking questions, like listening to all the things they felt, staying curious, not m- getting personal about it, right? Or feeling guilty about the divorce or my grief.

Alyssa Smith: And we started actually solving problems as a team and trusting that we'd figure it out even if we had no idea what the next few steps were gonna look like. Okay? So that changed the way I parented, the way I lived my life, a heck of a lot less about having the whole plan laid out, doing everything according to what I thought, A, [00:04:00] B, C, and moving forward together imperfectly with a heck of a lot of humility and more honesty than I was used to having with my beautiful kids.

Alyssa Smith: And so that's what I help families do today. You know? It's building skills, deepen their understanding of one another, and then find their way back to the same team. 'Cause we always have the same goal underlying, right? We wanna be on the same team. So I help families find that 

Dori Durbin: That's amazing. And that's so, thinking through, like, the changes, the amount of change that you experienced all at one time, not just you- Yeah

Dori Durbin: but, like, you recognized your girls too, and, and- Right ... processing all that was going on. 

Alyssa Smith: Yeah. And it's scary, like, bec- especially for people going through divorce or loss or a move. All of these major life changes, you as the parent feel really responsible to make sure your kid gets out okay, right?

Alyssa Smith: Mm-hmm. And at the same time, you're just like, "Oh, I'll be fine. I mean, I [00:05:00] gotta be. I have no choice." We push it down. And what I learned in that process, that messy, gosh, those nine months of between handing in my notice and literally landing back in New York and having a coaching practice that I was starting, okay, was that I didn't have to hide the struggle from my kids.

Alyssa Smith: I could actually be me, be humble, say, "I'm not quite sure what's next, but you know what? I know I've got you and you've got me, and I know we're gonna figure it out." Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: You know, I think that humility piece is something that most parents think they have to hide. 

Alyssa Smith: Yes. 

Dori Durbin: And just, like, we expect ourselves to be so perfect and know everything and have, like, have the right words, do the right things.

Dori Durbin: It's a lot of,

Alyssa Smith: pressure. Exactly. That's the word that comes to me. And, like... And it's thankless too. No one's thanking you for saving the day as a parent, are they? Right? They're like, "Mom, get off my back." But we're doing it out of love, aren't we, Dorie? We just wanna [00:06:00] make sure they're okay, so we over-function.

Alyssa Smith: We think 10 steps ahead. We clear the way, right? But you and I know, and any adult listening knows, they're all adults, that it's the hard stuff that teaches us the most. And I realized going through the whole life reset at about the age 40- I can't hide that because I'm gonna be on the floor in my kitchen bawling my eyes out because my mom's gone and I wasn't there.

Alyssa Smith: I can't hide it. When grief takes over, you actually don't have an option, even if you're stubborn as anything. 

Alyssa Smith: Yeah. 

Alyssa Smith: You don't have an option. And so it wasn't by choice that I was like, "I would like to let them in." No. It was grief. It was loss. It was, what do I do now? And my girls saw it and met me with compassion, and that allowed me to meet myself with compassion.

Alyssa Smith: And that is what I'm helping parents to do for themselves. And when parents do that for themselves, guess who's watching and learning the same thing? [00:07:00] Yeah. Really. Especially our neurodivergent kids, they need that self-compassion. We're so hard on ourselves. 

Dori Durbin: Now, how do, how do parents know if they're, A, being too hard on themselves, but also, B, over-functioning for their kids?

Alyssa Smith: Beautiful. Both, both great questions. The being too hard on yourself, that's a harder one for me to answer it. I'm comfortable saying, "I'm not sure, but your feelings will probably tell you," right? How's your self-talk? How's it feel inside of your head? Can you handle being quiet, or do you need to turn on the TV or music or a podcast, or is it not a safe space up there?

Alyssa Smith: Yeah. The, so that's maybe my, how's it feel when it's just your thoughts? So maybe that's, I would just address, I would say ask that question. Okay? So that's the self-compassion piece. How do you know when you're overdoing for your kid? Again, this is checking in with your feelings, your capacity, but notice your feelings.

Alyssa Smith: Are you feeling resentful? [00:08:00] That is a very big sign. You're probably doing more than you know you should deep down. But maybe there's this piece of the identity of mom that you adopted. Maybe it's the one you grew up with. Maybe it's that neighbor who seems to get everything right, maybe it's that piece, and you're like, "Oh, gosh, I'm..."

Alyssa Smith: And you're resenting your kids for not stepping up, right? If you feel that, ooh, 

Alyssa Smith: you know one of, one 

Alyssa Smith: of Gotham's horsemen, right? If you feel the resentment, pause, okay? Don't blame your kid. Go, "Ooh, what is it? What am I feeling?" Get curious. Why am I feeling that way? What am I contributing to this feeling?

Alyssa Smith: What's my role in it? Often, we're used to going, "They should be cleaning their room. They should have their acts together." What if they haven't been trained? What if they haven't been, had those skills scaffolded? I know I'm ta- talking teacher language, but you and I know, and a lot of the listeners know, that kids need to be taught.

Alyssa Smith: But I find this weird thing happens, Dori, when they're, like, old enough to have [00:09:00] great conversations with you, I don't know, third, fourth grade. They have personalities, beautiful vocabulary. We expect that their emotional regulation skills are matching, right? And their organization skills are there, and they're just not, right?

Alyssa Smith: Absolutely. So I think our beautiful, eloquent kids trick us with their beautiful brains, their vocabulary, right? And what they can do on a sports field. But oh, my goodness, these other things that drive moms crazy. When our capacity is overloaded, all the organization, all the planning That stuff, right?

Alyssa Smith: We notice that. We notice when that's missing. 

Dori Durbin: You know, I'm going back to the resentment piece just for a second- Do it ... because I think, I think that's something that parents feel more often than they probably want to admit. 

Alyssa Smith: Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: And I never thought about it in the capacity of I'm overextending myself, I'm doing too much.

Dori Durbin: Yeah. And so, like, just that, that little key, like, that's a huge observation for a [00:10:00] parent- ... to first ack- acknowledge that feeling and not just push it away, push it down, ignore it. 

Alyssa Smith: Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. But then secondly, to see it as it's a consequence of something that is missing in- a system.

Alyssa Smith: Yep. 

Dori Durbin: And, you know, you were discussing,, the skills that, the scaffolding and, and skills that kids need- Yeah ... that's executive functioning skills, right? 

Alyssa Smith: For sure. Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: So this is, like, something when you're talking about teaching them, it's something that, yeah, you're right.

Dori Durbin: Like, we assume, we see this child just like you're describing, and we're like, they can do math. They can do pre-algebra, right? Yeah. I'm so proud of them, but they can't put their laundry away. And it's the, the pile gets smaller and bigger at the same time, right? 

Alyssa Smith: Right. And- It does not compute, right, for us.

Alyssa Smith: Sure. We're like, how? Right? And it makes us crazy. Different skills-.. different parts of the brain. And explicit teaching versus lack of explicit teaching. Mm-hmm. Stuff that we think maybe they're learning at school, maybe they just pick up, because come on, they pick up language just by being [00:11:00] around it.

Alyssa Smith: Don't they pick up being organized? Don't they pick up ticking these things off in the morning before they leave for school? Our neurodivergent kids are not. No, they're not. They're somewhere entirely different, yeah? 

Dori Durbin: Sure. Um- And if we're doing it for them, why would they need that? 

Alyssa Smith: There's no need at all, right?

Alyssa Smith: And so there's that, oh, no. Now what? Like, can they do it? And I- that hits for a lot of parents in, like, middle school. You know, the shift from having, like, the mom teacher through elementary school. It's like, "Oh, don't worry, the other mom will help you." And then suddenly this is when a lot of parents come to me, especially parents of neurodivergent kids, 'cause they're like, "What?"

Alyssa Smith: There's no 

Alyssa Smith: mom at school anymore. There's like eight of them, and they don't have the skills. 

Alyssa Smith: And it's like, "Hey, we- we've got this. They have more than you think," but it does help to get in there and do the coaching, and teach kids to, like, get in there and think about what's working and what's not, and then co-create with [00:12:00] them systems that we're gonna try.

Alyssa Smith: And if the system doesn't work, no stress. That system wasn't your system. Let's try something different, right? Just with that calmness, not the urgency t- parents who are so worried for their babies bring. You know, sometimes it's just beautiful to have, like, that aunt, that coach, that someone else who's just like, "I know you've got this.

Alyssa Smith: Oh, yeah, so that one thing didn't work. Cool. We found one thing that didn't work. What else could we try?" When you ask questions, when you leave that space, you will be mind-blown about what children come up with 

Dori Durbin: So my son is a biology major. 

Dori Durbin: And his big comment to me one day that just left such an impression, this is...

Dori Durbin: He's out of college, um, he's working in a job that is bio-related, and there was something that I did that didn't work, and he said, "Well, now you know that didn't work, so try something else." And that just simple comment is exactly what you were saying. But it's funny [00:13:00] how we try to compartmentalize certain types of lessons just to certain areas.

Dori Durbin: Like, we don't- . consider it's okay for our kids to mess up and to fail- Yeah ... because that is a bigger deal than if I tried something and it didn't work functionally. Okay, my A didn't lead to my B, it's all right, but in the, in the vast world of parenting, that's like, that could be life or death, right, in your mind.

Dori Durbin: Yeah. And I feel like, frustration in our minds as parents, our kids being frustrated is horrible, 

Alyssa Smith: right? Mm, it's an emergency. Yes. Like, our nervous system can read it as emergency. Can't it? 

Dori Durbin: Yes. So what- 

Alyssa Smith: We don't have to join them in that emergency, right? We do not have to join them in it. That is also a choice, mm-hmm. Um, you had used the word consequence earlier when we were talking about resentment and, you know, what happens as that. And I see when we have these feelings as kind of opportunities, right? Opportunities to see things differently, right? [00:14:00] To invite kids in where we used to just wring our hands or look at the sky and be like, "Why can't they?"

Alyssa Smith: But instead, right, as they get older, just be like, "Cool. What have you tried so far?" And often they'll be like, "Oh," like, I don't even know if I tried anything. It's just, it sucks." You're like, "Great. Cool. Okay, so we're now gonna move forward from the problem and start playing with solution finding. Let's go."

Alyssa Smith: Right? Getting in there and, like, turning the challenges into opportunities for growth, for collaboration, for iteration, yeah? Playing around. You're so right. We're just like, "We gotta get them to the solution because my kid's popsicle is melting. The friend doesn't like him." Like, we see it all as an emergency.

Alyssa Smith: It's not. Right? It's not an emergency. Yeah, so where are the opportunities for our kids to come at us with an emergency, we meet them with calmness, and then a question. Curiosity. So we activate. We ca- calm them back [00:15:00] down. Lid is no longer flipped, and now they're thinking. And usually they walk away from us, solve the problem, and come back like a new person.

Alyssa Smith: "Oh, what, what do you mean? Oh, I f- I fixed it, Mom" right? Uh, unless we're neurodivergent, and then they're probably gonna need help with the systems, but my goodness, it's beautiful. It is, a lot of it is mindset and the way we look at it and see it. 

Dori Durbin: Okay, I don't have little kids, I have big kids.

Dori Durbin: Yeah. But as I'm listening, I'm envisioning all the meltdowns that occurred. ... All of the decisions in the backyard of you know, running through the yard and with bare feet and what's gonna happen, you know. We have lots of bees and ex- XYZ out in the yard. 

Alyssa Smith: Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: And I'm thinking about how freeing it would've been To come from the perspective of, okay, well, they're gonna try some things and they're gonna find out, and I don't have to provide all the answers up front.

Dori Durbin: I don't have to have the vast list of options, opportunities, or [00:16:00] consequences in front of them, like I was saying. You're, you're saying, this is an adventure. This is a moment. This is an opportunity to find something out. Totally different type of parenting perspective. 

Alyssa Smith: Yes. Yes. I mean, I taught in progressive schools, I have to say.

Alyssa Smith: It wasn't public school do as I say, do as I do, right? I'm doing it, you do. It was much more inquiry-based, project-based, what might you try? I don't know. Work together. Let's go. See what you come up with. That kind of, that piece of education, I now finally, after the life reset, have taken it into my parenting.

Alyssa Smith: Before the life reset, I was, yeah, figure it out. I was the chill one at school, but I would come home and try to save my babies from life's challenges. 

Alyssa Smith: Yeah? 

Alyssa Smith: And I caught myself in one parent-teacher conference, uh, one t- parent-teacher conference in particular, my gosh, Dorie, just hit me hard. Quoting Maria Montessori, one of my favorite quotes of all times is, "Prepare your [00:17:00] child for the world, not the world for your child."

Alyssa Smith: And I was saying to this to the loving mom who was worried about how quickly her kid would read, and it was like my parenting life flashed before my own eyes. 

Alyssa Smith: And I was like, oh, how cute how I just said that, but I was the one that needed to hear it. 

Alyssa Smith: Yeah. We just experience it as, gosh, it's like tied to our identity how much we're providing for them.

Alyssa Smith: But I'm telling you, in America, what we put on ourselves is so much more than what, what parents are o- in other countries are doing. They're inviting their kids into the chores. They're saying, "Yeah, well, we go and do this, so child, come on board." Not, we arrange our schedules around the child's schedules.

Alyssa Smith: That's wild. Yeah? Living internationally, oh my gosh, that woke me up too. 

Dori Durbin: Is it, and their kids still survived? They still turned out well? 

Alyssa Smith: Yes. Yes.

Alyssa Smith: Yes. They're not melting down at little things because they're used to com- coming to bumps in the road. They're used to watching their parent be like, "Well, guess we [00:18:00] burned that for dinner.

Alyssa Smith: Let's go back to the fridge. What's next?" Like, they're used to that stuff. That's part of life, you know? Screwing up, but we don't have to... The sky doesn't fall. Yeah? But if you have a parent who fixes everything for you and paves the way, prepares the whole world for you it's gonna feel like the sky is falling when you feel a mistake coming.

Alyssa Smith: You feel like you don't have the exact right answer. 

Dori Durbin: And it probably could be a very small mistake that would derail you over something that- I won't say there's better mistakes, but a small, you know, something that seems bigger 

Alyssa Smith: Yes. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. 

Alyssa Smith: Yes. And you could see it. We, as teachers, you see it. You know the kids who have those beautiful, loving, but high and sometimes over-functioning parents who are just trying to save their kids from every bit of that discomfort, the anxiety, the what, what do I do?

Alyssa Smith: Like, instead of, talking them through it before, right? What, what feelings are coming up? Cool. Let's talk. Let's play with some possible scenarios. What could you do if? We can be [00:19:00] with them before the, the big thing, and suddenly when they experience, they realize almost every time it's not that big of a thing.

Alyssa Smith: Yeah.

Dori Durbin: So is there a lesson that you find yourself repeating over and over again to parents? 

Alyssa Smith: It- there is, and it, it's one that, it's one that I kind of alluded to earlier that I don't know, it just sums up the way I teach, the way I coach teachers around the world. It's Are you inviting them in to their challenges, right?

Alyssa Smith: How are you inviting them into their challenges? Yeah. We don't dump it at their feet and go, "Good luck." We don't do that, but are you missing opportunities to invite them into those challenges and to be their partner with it? Sit beside them. Show them that you're not melting down or freaking out or not believing in their capabilities.

Alyssa Smith: Show them that they can trust themselves. [00:20:00] Yeah? So are you inviting them in, and if so, how are you? And instantly their brain goes to other opportunities. And parents always after that question in a session or in the group coaching that I do, they always come back before I've challenged them to find a place where they can put something down and invite their kid in, right?

Alyssa Smith: They do it naturally. "My kid's making her own snacks for, for camp." Yes she is. Fantastic. How'd that happen? "I asked her what could she be doing so I'm not doing..." Fantastic. Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: And how much do you micromanage that? 'Cause that would be something that would go through my mind is like, okay, my kid might be planning snacks.

Dori Durbin: What does that look like as far as what I do and how much I stay out of it? 

Alyssa Smith: Ooh, and that's a fantastic question. That is, again, this is a lesson in self-awareness for you then as the mom. So you have to get comfortable with this, "Oh, God, they're about to leave [00:21:00] for camp and there is no snack in the lunch pail," right?

Alyssa Smith: Can you be okay with that, right? Because what's gonna happen, Dorie, if they go out the door, they for- didn't make their- themselves a snack, what will actually happen? What do you think? 

Dori Durbin: They're probably gonna be hungry and remember the snack the next day. 

Alyssa Smith: That's what's gonna happen. That is the worst case scenario, right?

Alyssa Smith: And they might even in their mind be like, "Why didn't mom..." And you'll be like, "Wait a minute. Wait, whose job was that? I don't know. Honey, how could we avoid this happening tomorrow? What are your ideas?" Boom, you are now coaching. Suddenly there's a Post-it right on their mirror in the morning, right? Snack. Or we're moving it out of the morning. It's the night before. They add it to their nightly checklist, okay? So you invite them in. We do have to be, we have to get a little uncomfortable sometimes. It is uncomfortable even watching them forget their darn snack for s- camp, isn't it? But like remember it's not, is this an emergency?

Alyssa Smith: I'm not gonna let my kid run across the road that's busy, okay? I will [00:22:00] intervene. I have to keep them alive. But can I let them forget their instrument or their snack or their water bottle for a day and, and have the consequences that actually deliver the lesson and the message? Heck yes, I can. That's their learning, not mine.

Alyssa Smith: I don't wanna mistake them confuse the two. 

Dori Durbin: And these small victories are what are gonna actually make you feel more confident when they're getting older- Yes ... and they're taking those bigger steps to, they're driving a car, they're buying their first house. All of those big decisions, they'll have had practice little pieces the whole time.

Alyssa Smith: It's not look at mom, it's go, "Okay, what are the resources around me? What's my gut feeling? What makes sense in this situ-" They trust themselves because they've earned it through doing, through gaining capabilities bit by bit, not by behaving, what does mommy say, okay? No. They learn by doing, by trying, by failing, and being strong enough to get back up again and be like, "Okay, that didn't [00:23:00] work.

Alyssa Smith: Maybe I need an outside resource to help now." That's okay. No shame there 

Dori Durbin: So if I have a parent who's listening and they're like, "Okay, that's great for some people, not great for me" 

Alyssa Smith: Yeah ... 

Dori Durbin: what are some of the biggest hangups for people to trust the system? 

Dori Durbin: Or just to take the risk of letting your child make s- their own decisions, their own mistakes. 

Alyssa Smith: Oh my gosh. So they're just not willing. They can't take any risks. What I will help them to do is find something that feels really, really, really low stakes first. Okay? So maybe the child... I have a client who was just so stressed about her kid being late to school, and I w- I challenged her.

Alyssa Smith: I'm like, "Come on, girl. Come on, let's let him be late to school one day. Like, let- can we do it?" And she's like, "I don't know." And it was really causing anxiety, right? And I was like, "Okay, we're not gonna start there. We're gonna start with something else. Talk to me about another responsibility, another deadline that doesn't feel as urgent in your system [00:24:00] that we can play with first."

Alyssa Smith: So we found a smaller one. It was getting to bed at a certain time. So that one felt less public, less everybody's looking at me like that I'm not, don't have it together mom. It was more private, so that felt lower stakes. We did get there. We did let him be late. After we got comfortable with her not seeing her son's challenges with, yes, executive functioning, but y- getting through transitions in a timely manner, she stopped blaming herself.

Alyssa Smith: She started understanding this is how his brain works. Here's why. Ah. She saw him differently. And when she saw him differently, she saw herself differently. It's not me. This is just him learning, and I've gotta let him learn, or he will... The second he leaves for college, guess what's happening, or he's out in the real world, is he ever gonna be on time, right?

Alyssa Smith: We just find a smaller step that feels maybe less public or less jarring to your nervous [00:25:00] system. That's where we start. 

Dori Durbin: I love that. I love the big picture of that- ... because I think it's so easy to get caught up in the small things that really stop us. And so I I wanted to ask that just because there's definitely somebody who's tried, and they definitely thought that they could do it, and then stopped for the very reason that we're talking about.

Dori Durbin: So seeing that over the course of time and how it grows is really, it's impressive and freeing for a parent. Mm-hmm. 

Alyssa Smith: Mm-hmm. 

Dori Durbin: Um, but it also gives a lot of hope and encouragement that this is something that, that they can do. 

Alyssa Smith: Yeah. If I might add on a tiny piece there, I want to say especially if you've got neurodivergent kids, and even if you don't with children, all children, you come up with a system.

Alyssa Smith: You co-create it together. I used to run community meetings once a week in my class, and we would problem solve together. We do family meetings in my house now, right? Um, but we're all a team, yeah? We come up with a solution. We revisit it. The next week, did it work? No. Come up with a new one, right? We finally find a [00:26:00] system that works.

Alyssa Smith: Everyone's hallelujah. But it only works for a month, Dori, or w- works for six weeks, and then suddenly it's not working. Choice time Are we gonna get mad and point fingers at children? Are we gonna throw our hands up and say, "See? Nothing works"? Or are we gonna say, "Huh, makes sense." Neurodivergent's mind, we need novelty.

Alyssa Smith: We need something new. Eventually you're gonna ignore that Post-it on the mirror. Your, your brain's tuning it out. We need something new. Let's be the type of people that when a system's no longer working, we don't blame the people, we play with the system again. And if you have neurodivergent folks in your life, whoever it is, this is why something works for a while and it doesn't.

Alyssa Smith: It doesn't mean there's any fault with you, your method, your kid, whoever it is, your husband, your spouse. It just means this is part of the process. You've gotta get a little more humble, a little more creative, a little bit more iterative and flexible, which is another challenge for folks with ADHD, right?

Alyssa Smith: Cognitive flexibility. [00:27:00] Anyway, ugh, that's a piece of it. It really is. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. I, so appreciate the fact that you maybe don't need to stick with the same thing until the point where you're just blue in the face. Like, there's other opportunities, there's other, you know, options.

Dori Durbin: Because I, again, I think it's something that, like, depending on how you're raised, depending on, you know, what beliefs you have, like you do kind of settle into a pattern and a system and keep it even if it doesn't work. Which- 

Alyssa Smith: Yes ... 

Dori Durbin: I know seems ridiculous, but it's true. We do. 

Alyssa Smith: It's what we know. It's what we're comfortable with, which is why people who've been through abuse end up with partners who are abusive, right?

Alyssa Smith: We, we seek out what we know, what feels familiar because it feels like, "Oh this is just the way it is." I love challenging clients to say, "What if there's a different way?" Or, "Says who?" It's challenging now. "Oh, it will always be..." Always, watch out for that word, right? What if it doesn't have to always?

Alyssa Smith: Let's have a little more hope. Let's get creative and playful and resourceful. Come on and invite your kids in. [00:28:00] Let's go, and we put our heads together, and we sit on the same side of the table, Dorie, right? It's always connection and relationship first. And we end up blaming each other. Kids are blaming us, "I hate you."

Alyssa Smith: "You know what? I hate you." Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Whoa. No, we don't. There's actually so much love. We don't. There's love, and we're fearing we're not doing good enough, right? And when we fear that, we end up in opposite sides. I help families first connect, and then number two is collaborate. We end up actually iterating, creating together, and then after that come the systems.

Alyssa Smith: Then come the systems that we put into place and eventually have to go back and collaborate on. But connection first. Then teaching people its leadership skills, and it's teaching collaboration. Then we move to systems. 

Alyssa Smith: We wanna start 

Alyssa Smith: with systems, Dorie. We want 'em fixed, right? I want my kid ticking off his tasks and out the door.

Alyssa Smith: And first, we start with the love you have for him. We start with him feeling like you're on his side here. [00:29:00] "Hey, buddy, I've noticed mornings are tough. Do you agree? Gosh, they're tough. Ugh, we even said mean things to each other yesterday, didn't we? Yeah. I wanna change that. Do you wanna change that? Ugh, beautiful.

Alyssa Smith: Let's get on the same team. Can we sit down for a minute? Not now? Cool. Later, can we talk about it? Can we talk about ways we might change how our mornings start?" Boom. Okay? It takes one conversation. It doesn't take months of healing. It takes you coming at it like a human being, like you would talk to your partner or a friend or a bestie, right?

Alyssa Smith: Mm. Our kids are so receptive, and they're so forgiving, and they're so used to being in the learning process. We're not. Yeah? Invite yourself back into that because that's what parenting's all about. 

Dori Durbin: So good, Alyssa. I hate to say it, we're running out of time but you have shared so many really valuable lessons and thoughts today.

Dori Durbin: I'm sure some of the parents right now are thinking to themselves, "Well, how do I get more of this? Dorie didn't give us enough. How do I get in contact with Alyssa?" What are the best ways they can do that, Alyssa? 

Alyssa Smith: [00:30:00] Aw, I love that. You're so sweet. It's been so wonderful being on with you. What a gorgeous space you've created for parents, truly, Dorie.

Alyssa Smith: If you wanna, if you wanna get in c- contact wi- with me or follow what I'm, I'm doing at work, you can find me at Alyssa Smith, M-E-D, at, on LinkedIn, Alyssa Smith on Facebook. I am Same Team Families on Instagram. I'm finally more active there. And finally, I have just a little, my little newsletter.

Alyssa Smith: It's Simple Wins. I send you one simple, clear win, something you could try out with your fam at home every Friday. You can join that for free from, through, um, alyssasmithcoaching.com. 

Dori Durbin: Awesome. I love that. I love you do that every Friday. That's amazing. 

Alyssa Smith: Mm-hmm. Keep it simple, and right before you hit the weekend, and you're like, "Oh, here it comes."

Dori Durbin: Yes. 

Alyssa Smith: Yes. 

Dori Durbin: So let me ask you this, ' if we could give parents one action step to start trying a habit that's gonna take some of the stress off of them in parenting, open up the communication, make life a [00:31:00] little simpler, what would be a step that you would recommend to do as soon as this podcast is over?

Alyssa Smith: I love it. Make it immediately relevant and actionable. I love it, Dorie. Okay, here's it. Here it is When you're faced with a challenge, like a mess, like something that you would normally take on as your problem to fix for your kid, stop. Turn to your kid, maybe even physically sit with them, and ask them, "Hey, buddy, what do you think we do about this?

Alyssa Smith: What do you think we do about this? We're a team. I want your thoughts." They might look at you like you have five heads the first time you ask, okay? But by the fifth time you ask, oh, there comes my thumbs up, by the fifth time you ask, they're ready for it. They're like, "Well, maybe," and just sit there and nod and be quiet, okay?

Alyssa Smith: Turn towards the challenge, sit beside them, invite them they can do it, and you're with them. [00:32:00]

Alyssa Smith: I love it. 

Dori Durbin: I'd be so curious to hear what they would come up with, too, because they're 

Alyssa Smith: so 

Dori Durbin: creative. 

Alyssa Smith: Oh, they'll blow you away. And I wanted to say this final thing. Whatever they come up with, even if it fails, it's better than your idea, because they are so invested in their own ideas.

Alyssa Smith: And if it fails, who cares? They will come up with another bright, shiny idea, okay? So don't replace their ideas, because you know they'll fail, okay? Let them, and then let them come up with a new one. The, the payoff of that is, like, endless. 

Dori Durbin: So awesome. Oh, thank you, Alysa. Thank you so much for that, for everything that you've given our listeners today.

Dori Durbin: It's amazing. 

Alyssa Smith: Thank you. What a pleasure to be here. Thank you so much for having me, Dorie. 

Dori Durbin: I hope our listeners have a small sense of freedom today after listening to this conversation, being released a little bit from the, the demands of coming up with so many options for our kids and trying to support and direct everything they do.

Dori Durbin: And if you do have that, it's [00:33:00] a small triumph that we really, really need to create. So while we're celebrating, also, let me tell you, if you're a parent who does want to continue to control things and have a say, I have an opportunity for you. It would be to be a part of That's Good Parenting Club. That's free.

Dori Durbin: It's a club where you get to have your say in the children's books that professionals create. So people just like Alysa, who have their own books based on their content. What I'm looking for is for you to help the experts craft and shape their books, get sneak peeks, and be first to know about this whole book creation process.

Dori Durbin: And lastly and most importantly, listeners, remember that good parenting doesn't mean doing everything perfectly or at all at once. Sometimes it just means trusting your child to make one more opportunity, taking one more step, one more decision, to let them grow. So until next time, I hope you end your day looking back at one moment and saying, "Now, that, that was good parenting."

Dori Durbin: We'll see you soon.