Dori Durbin: [00:00:00] Welcome to That's Good Parenting, the podcast where we search for simple steps to reduce parenting stress. I'm your host, Dorrie Durbin, children's book illustrator, book coach, and podcaster. I help parents and family-focused professionals take big ideas and turn them into books that kids can actually understand and use.

Dori Durbin: Today's conversation is one I think a lot of parents will really benefit from, because we're all raising children in a world that celebrates achievement. Everything is measured. But what happens when a child's sense of worth becomes so tightly tied to how well they're performing?

Dori Durbin: Well, my guest today is an elite mental performance coach, speaker, and founder of the House of Rise, Dr. Carla Katiria. Carla has worked with tweens, teens, young adults, and families, helping people build resilience, confidence, emotional intelligence, and relationships that are stronger without being consumed by pressure, anxiety, or achievement.

Dori Durbin: And there's something really special about this too, because Carla herself [00:01:00] was successful on the outside, but believed her value came from her accomplishments on the inside, and now she's helping families break that cycle. So Carla, welcome to That's Good Parenting. 

Dr. Carla Caturia: Ah, thank you so much, Dorrie, for having me.

Dr. Carla Caturia: I'm excited. Such a nice intro as well. Appreciate it. 

Dori Durbin: Absolutely. You know, the really cool thing is not only have you experienced it, but you can actually talk about the other side. Mm-hmm. And I feel like I'd be really curious to know what is it that when families come to you, what is that breaking point that helps them to realize that they really need the help from the outside?

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, it's interesting. It- it's a couple different things. It could be that, you know, they just can't... They've tried everything, and they can't see their child, uh, you know, struggle with the anxiety anymore, or the pressure they're putting on themselves, or they're overwhelmed. It's testing, it's sports, it's activities, you know.

Dr. Carla Caturia: It could be that, or it's either, like, pleasure or pain. So that's like the pain. And [00:02:00] then, or it's my kids, most of my kids are awesome regardless if they put pressure on them anyway- themselves anyways. But yeah, they're really doing good in their theater, and they do ac- uh, sports, and everything's great, yet we want them to move to the next level.

Dr. Carla Caturia: And it's not to perfection, it's just we can see their potential to the at the next level, that they can l- be in their, in grades. It could be in, um- You know, in their sport or maybe it's leadership or with their friendships. So, um, they might be doing well, most of them are doing well in many of the areas of their life, yet there's a few where they're like, "Hmm, I feel like we need some tweaks here."

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: Wow. Yeah. So is the kid realizing this themselves, or are they so caught in that, that cycle of perfectionism and achievement that they don't see that? 

Dr. Carla Caturia: So, for example, like, I have one teen who I have a couple that were, like, begging for someone like me. And little- Oh ... like, [00:03:00] 11-year-olds and, you know, middle school- Hmm

Dr. Carla Caturia: kids, and they, 'cause they were feeling it. They didn't like the way they were acting or reacting, or their emotions were just overwhelming to them and they were taking over and they didn't know how to handle these big emotions. Like, they couldn't just... you say, like, "Oh, just let it go," but they just couldn't, right?

Dr. Carla Caturia: So there, there's that aspect of it, and then there's other aspects where parents are seeing things in their children. Like, I met with a girl yesterday, and at first it was like, "No, I love myself. Everything's good. I'm great." You know? And it's... And a lot of kids I get can talk tons about school or their sports or, you know, just...

Dr. Carla Caturia: But then when I dig in and I ask them, like, interesting type of questions that they haven't heard before, it's like they haven't delved into their emotions. They know if they're happy or sad or angry or upset, of course, but really, like, when I start- It's- ... to dig down to the root cause of what's getting in the way of them feeling good on a regular basis or feeling better, they are like, "Oh, wait a minute."

Dori Durbin: [00:04:00] Yeah. I, I think when you have people who are high performers or want to be high performers, they get so caught up in the outcome of the goal that they lose their, sense of, how they're feeling and how they're relating to other people.

Dori Durbin: Is that what you see, too? 

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. It's funny you say that, 'cause yeah, a lot of my athletes, um, may not be winning right now. They can win. Mm-hmm. They have the skill. I had a, a boy yesterday, he was working with a, like, a athletic coach, and they were like, "Look, you might not be winning the games or tournaments as much as you wanna be, but compared to others at your age, you're so far ahead because you're handling your mindset."

Dr. Carla Caturia: So there's, like, that void there of- Everybody goes, says, "Go to the gym so you can be healthy." But what about the mind gym? 

skip: Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. That's such a big thing. I feel like sometimes when you have a hangup like that, it follows you through everything.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, like, that's the thing. Like, it's just, if you play, if your kid [00:05:00] plays volleyball, they're probably not gonna be a professional volleyball player. But if they play it through middle and high school, it's just a vehicle to teach them these leadership and resiliency skills. You know, you're, you're losing or you're in a, you're in a slump, or, you know, how do you hold yourself through those things?

Dr. Carla Caturia: So there's that. And w- for example, like, I have kids that are like, "No, I just want to do it myself. I know..." Well, like, say we talked about group projects. "Nope, I don't want this girl in there, she did this, and this guy did th-..." And no, you're not, y- for the rest of your life, you're not gonna be working alone.

Dr. Carla Caturia: You're gonna work for a boss, or you're gonna start your own business, or you're gonna have peers that you work in, in manage. So working through the, like, maybe you need to compromise a bit, what would be okay for you to say to them, all those kind of things. As you stated, it's all about life skills, though we're using the vehicle of whatever that engages them, the activity, theater, dance, that kind of thing.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. Yeah. Now, most of our listeners are [00:06:00] parents who really are busy, they're high performers themselves. They wanna encourage their kids in all the right ways, right? Yeah. But I feel like sometimes as parents, we unintentionally discourage our kids by trying to say the right things. Do you hear phrases that parents use that maybe are giving, like, more pressure on their kids without realizing it?

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. And, um, I, like, as I was saying, a lot of my parents are super busy. A lot of them might not outwardly put pressure on their kids, but they, their kids have learned because they've modeled, they put pressure on themselves for their job or their, their business. And a lot of times it comes down to first taking a pause, like, when your kid's coming to you with a problem, or a concern, or just even talking to you, just straight up listening.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Because right away, the number one thing we wanna do is fix it if we see them have a problem, right? So also, their brain is still trying to problem solve. So if you, if you do it for them, you've just robbed [00:07:00] them of the opportunity to try to figure it on their own, on their own. And I think with parents, it's, it's that, and it's kind of like instead of correcting, maybe just observe.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Instead of reacting, try to regulate yourself first, because that makes a big difference. And then the minute you kind of feel like you need to step in, that might be the time to just step out. So it, there are specific phrases you can use, but a lot of times- It's more about your energy and how you say it than what you physically s- what you specifically say.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yes, there are ways to... On a sentence I always kind of like tell parents is say your kid comes home, they could be telling you anything. It could be stressful, it could be happy, it could be any kind of story. And do you wanna be heard? Do you wanna be celebrated? Or do you want me to help you fix this? You know?

Dr. Carla Caturia: So again, instead of just jumping right in and deciding what you think that other person needs, they are your [00:08:00] kid, so you think you already know. But sometimes, like most of the time they just wanna be heard and, and, and they just want you to say like, "Oh, that, man, that sounds like a really tough day." Or, "Oh, wow, I, it sounds like you really worked hard on that test."

Dr. Carla Caturia: That's it. So sometimes less is more 

Dori Durbin: You know, I am a fixer. I- that is my go-to. Mm-hmm. And my husband and I, both of us, and we have gotten to the point where we have to we have asked, "What do you need from me?" Mm-hmm.

Dori Durbin: Because our job we think is to fix. Mm-hmm. But what has been interesting and more complicated is conversations via text or Snapchat where you hear the information and trying to keep that in your mind that this is still a verbal processing opportunity for them. And I always, it, it feels even more intense on text for some reason, like there needs to be some sort of reaction from the parent, and do you, do you find that that's harder for parents? Yeah. 

Dr. Carla Caturia: I mean, you can a- you [00:09:00] can affirm just like, "Wow, that sounds," blank, "happy, sad, frustrating, annoying." I, I don't know, anything. It's, it, I think the step one is validating their emotions. Mm-hmm. So you don't know what their emotion is through text, so if you automatically go into stress mode and they weren't stressed about it, the, right?

Dr. Carla Caturia: Mm-hmm. So it's more of, "Wow, that sounds," blank, how you interpret it. And then they could say, "Yeah, it was a really hard day. Thanks for listening." Or, "Oh, I wasn't really concerned about that," and you're like, "Oh, great. Awesome. Sounds good." So you may have created something that wasn't even there. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. 

Dr. Carla Caturia: Um, so yeah, text can be interesting, of course.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Um, but if you think to yourself, like, just validate what they're saying. Y- you know, just even, uh, like mirror their response. Like sometimes just mirroring it to the best of your ability, and then they just, they just wanna be heard. You might not understand them, but they feel heard. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. That's really [00:10:00] great advice.

Dori Durbin: 'Cause I, like I said, fixing is kinda what we're wired to do. Yeah. And having that pause to let them j- just even explain. There's so many times where there's phrases that, um, either of my kids will use that, that just inspire me to feel like it's stress, and it's probably not. It's probably just they're just reacting and, like I said, verbal processing.

Dori Durbin: So those are really great tips. Yeah. Really great tips. And it's really, 

Dr. Carla Caturia: like, you, like you felt a certain way. You don't know how they felt. Or, or, you know, so you're, like, it's just figuring out what they want and what they need versus trying to put your own- a spin on it, per se. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. Yeah. Let's, let's go back to the whole, um, solving, letting the kids solve their own problems.

Dori Durbin: I'm assuming, first of all, that that's really common for parents to try to do that and to rob their kids of that experience. How let's say that I have, let's, a five or six-year-old who's starting into sports, or they're, they've [00:11:00] been proclaimed to be really good at something, whether it's art, dance, music, whatever it is.

Dori Durbin: And I'm coming into the story, and I am injecting all of my perceptions of what their experiences are. One, how do I stop and recognize that I'm doing that? And two, how can I support them in a way that's beneficial that's not going to morph their experiences right away? 

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. I have, I have a, a family going through that now where, um, the dad was a professional athlete, and the son is a great athlete.

Dr. Carla Caturia: And- Yeah ... Dad is all trying to just to support and say like, you know, "You're awesome," and, uh, and he lectures his experiences in a nice way- Mm-hmm ... but it's a lecture, right? Yes. And I think the kid definitely, um, idolizes him, wants to be a pro athlete, yet has dropped a bunch of sports that he's been really good at be- you know, and, and we're, we're working now on like, "Well, what's getting in the way of you doing X, Y, and Z [00:12:00] sport?

Dr. Carla Caturia: Like you started it, you stopped. You started this other one- Mm-hmm ... you stopped. And, did the pressure you're putting on yourself, Dad might not put the pressure on you, he's just trying to share his insights, yet it feels like pressure even... You know, it's how the son is interpreting it. Yeah.

Dr. Carla Caturia: So I think as a parent, oftentimes you just need someone looking from the outside in. And Mom sees this, 'cause I could tell, but Dad and Mom are great, but, you know, like they're too close to the situation, yes. And so sometimes you need someone to say like, like we're doing, "Hey, maybe say it this way," or, "Hey, shift it to this way."

Dr. Carla Caturia: And yeah, I think, um, when kids are at that age and they're really good, it's just Again, like we originally said, like, it's not about the outcome, it's just, like, the progress and the growth that you make. And it's really, um, it isn't necessarily, like, easy, but you kind of have to let them handle it. Like, [00:13:00] I think the more pressure you put on them, the more you try to motivate them or, or like, "Maybe you should be captain," or maybe...

Dr. Carla Caturia: You know, like, all of these things. Like, you're just saying it 'cause you see their potential, but sometimes it's, like, already too much. So I think, like, really, um, just their... What drives their behavior is their identity. So it's, it's maybe just seeing where, them at that next level where you see them.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Like, "You're such a leader on the team." Just leaving it at that versus, "Why don't you be captain next year?" You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just kind of the way you frame it, and if they, if they say, "Yeah, that sounds awesome. Thanks for the compliment," wonderful. If they get frustrated, then you're just like, "Okay, I I'll back off."

Dr. Carla Caturia: But you gotta really be in tune with, with what they're feeling, and I think open communication is the key because they can share that with you. If they can share that with you, great. If they f- if they shut down, then you know you've pushed too hard. Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: So how, if I'm a parent listening right now and I'm trying to weigh out, is [00:14:00] this my child, how do I tell if they're basing their, their whole identity on the achievement piece of things versus they just love it, like where's the difference? 

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. I think it's when it really becomes their identity, and if they're like, "I'm getting As and it's no big deal if I get a B," and they're kinda just, like, floating around and you don't see a lot of pressure, anxiety, or overwhelm, and then they go p- but if you then see them to, you know, they're, like, perfectionism steps in, or they're really overthinking it, or they're constantly asking about these things, or you can kinda see...

Dr. Carla Caturia: A lot of my kids have a fear of failure, but a lot of them almost more have a fear of, winning, because then they have to keep that up. Like, "If I win this match," or, "If I get the lead part," or, "If I do the dance perfect," or, "Then I gotta do it next time." So I think you start to see them lose some of the joy or drop some of the activities, or you know, it's, it's...

Dr. Carla Caturia: I wouldn't say it's a lack of [00:15:00] motivation. It's more of just, like, a disinterest, but the disinterest means that they've kind of, like- I don't wanna say given up on themselves, but disconnected with themselves too a bit. And then it just becomes about... or they overly, you know, like take all the classes and can't ha- You know, it's so much, and now they don't even know who they are or can't trust themselves because they're just on this busy schedule, and they're building their resume and da, da, da, and that's it, right?

Dr. Carla Caturia: So they, like, overdo it. Um, so it... I might not have answered that clearly, yet it comes, it shows in many different ways. I have some elementary kids, and there might not be any, any parent conflicts at that time. But as they, get older and become teens, then it's there's just, just a lot of, like, angst.

Dr. Carla Caturia: It's not a bad relationship, but it's just that angst between, you know, like every, uh... There's nagging, or every, um, kind of interaction becomes a problem and they, because they haven't handled what's really going on inside. It's just kind of coming out 

Dori Durbin: A little thing [00:16:00] that popped into my head was do kids unintentionally self-sabotage so they don't have to have those expectations placed on them?

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, it's like subconscious. It's like, yeah, they... So like whether they tried the sport for a year and quit it because it got tough or because they didn't know how to communicate on a team, or... And this is, you know, there's, there's bad coaches out there, and things go wrong, and I understand things happen out of kids' control and they have to start and stop activities.

Dr. Carla Caturia: But if you see them stopping activities or you see them like in pra- a lot of kids in practice, like it's not a problem, I can do X, Y, Z, but when it's a tournament, it's different. Or or they rise to the occasion in a, in a match, but then during practice they're like falling apart. You know, it could be either way.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Um, but it's all a matter of I can see myself like winning the trophy or, or doing, you know, getting the lead part, but I have to be s- now I, now if I get the lead part, I'm not just [00:17:00] singing in the shower, I'm, I'm on stage and I'm being seen, you know? Or, you know, or what if I'm playing volleyball and I completely miss it, and I'm supposed to be like one of the best players on the team and win this tournament, so being seen is a big thing, too, even though they might not see it that way. 

Dori Durbin: Well, okay, so if you have a kid that is struggling with that, like you were describing the lead role in a play, um, or a musical where they're singing, they're performing. How do you help your kid get through that where it's not such a stumbling block?

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. So it takes time. I mean, it's not a like, "Hey, come, come call me in an emergency," and like we get on a call- ... and it fixes it, right? Yeah. So it's kind of just like they learned how to sing or play that sport practice. Um, so I do something that's called shift. I always start with like their state.

Dr. Carla Caturia: So it's regulating- Mm-hmm ... your emotions and your state and how you show up. Then it's creating really strong habits. So at first, you know, it's habits, then [00:18:00] habits become routines, then routines become your life, and that's how you integrate- Into your every day. From there then you've... Okay, so now you have this foundation you're building and it- we connect it to your values, we connect it to your this, your standards, what your family what your beliefs are.

Dr. Carla Caturia: And then that's when you start to see them transform into their next identity. Once they get their emotions under ch- in check, they build their routines, they're integrating, then they're able to connect, like, "Oh, am I really acting in alignment with my beliefs or, or not? And if not, I need to shift these things."

Dr. Carla Caturia: And so they'll shift some things and then, then they transform, and then they're like, "Ooh, I think there's this other thing I wanna shift. Like I, I worked on my relationships, now I wanna work on my school," or, "When I worked on school and now I wanna work on my activity or my leadership." So it, that's, so then they are building their new self 

Dori Durbin: That's really cool.

Dori Durbin: So each, each new habit that has formed, it, it's become a lifestyle, [00:19:00] then they f- they get the confidence to build it into another area and continue to, to build. Yeah. 

skip: Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: That's pretty empowering. 

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, that's kinda why I named my business The House of Rise, because it stands for- Yeah ... like resilience, identity, self-confidence, emotional intelligence.

Dr. Carla Caturia: So kind of just- Awesome ... what I laid out there. But, you know, as they become more- Yeah ... more confident, they have that lifestyle, they like realize, "Oh, like oh, I can do hard things. Like I, I d- I've been getting in my own way, and now I have this whole new identity." And then it becomes slightly addicting.

Dr. Carla Caturia: They're like, "Ooh," like, "I wanna, I wanna work on this other thing." 

skip: Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: That is, that's awesome. Well, you know, with my background working on kids books, I always think about life lessons and like the information that kids really need early in life. Right. So if you're thinking through this, we just talked about habits.

Dori Durbin: Is there a habit that you wish every kid had early in life that they could build off of? 

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, absolutely. I think, um, I [00:20:00] think it starts with their, the way they're talking to themselves, their self-talk. So it could be putting a note on the mirror, uh, on a sticky note on their mirror. It could be in their phone.

Dr. Carla Caturia: We c- we, we use all kinds of techniques of getting these n- new thoughts into their brain, because it's really about rewiring it. So- Mm ... with that they should... You know, it doesn't just, you don't just say the affirmation and then like everything changes. You have to put more work in. But I think it starts with recognizing the negative or not so good thoughts you're having right now.

Dr. Carla Caturia: So even, even if you just sit for like a couple minutes, you know, like, and you write down everything that goes through your head, and you look at it, you're like, "Oh, wow, I didn't realize like I was even having these thoughts." And then how do we begin to shift them into more powerful thoughts? Because the more powerful you think, the more powerful you feel, and then your life is just, period, better, period.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Like you spend more time in a powerful state. So I think it starts with [00:21:00] rewiring the thoughts and the, the way that you're talking to yourself. 'Cause you wouldn't go and talk to a teacher that way or a parent that way or, you know, you would... you're... With teens it's more their friend. Would you tell your friend that they're like that?

Dr. Carla Caturia: And no, I probably wouldn't tell her that. Okay, well, why you tell yourself that? What, like... Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So if you had somebody right now who was like- I, I can't do this thing. I'm not capable of doing it because I might have to do it again. How would you re-channel that? 

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, so there's all their limiting beliefs.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Because they, you know, "I love myself, I'm the best, I'm the greatest." That they rate everything 10 out of 10, and then they tell me all the things they can't do. And it's like- Yeah ... okay, and, and 'cause it's subconscious, they don't even know it. They don't even realize they're saying it. And then it's like, "Oh, okay, well, who told you you can't do that?"

Dr. Carla Caturia: "Oh, well, I did." And I was like, "Well, is that true?" No, well, k- yeah, well, this time I couldn't, this time I could," and they kind of go back and forth. And then [00:22:00] we just build evidence around all of the ways they can do it. So, like, you and I were talking about triathlon. I'm like- ... "You can do this. There is, you know, you can swim, you can do, you know, tell me all the times you swam this distance.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Tell me what, what it's gonna be like, and you know, you visualize it and all this." So I think it's, it's a, a matter of getting them to realize what their brain is telling them isn't true, and they have the con- the, um, ability to control how they think. We just think that's just what's happening. But we have all the control in the world.

Dr. Carla Caturia: That's pretty much all we have the control over is how we think and, you know. So as soon as we can shift that and you start to notice, like, how successful you are in these areas that you didn't think you were, then you s- it, it starts to show up in your, the outcomes that you're receiving. Yeah.

Dori Durbin: Yeah. So you mentioned earlier that parents model a lot of what our kids learn. And so I was sitting here thinking, well, if there was something that a parent could teach their child early [00:23:00] and model it, what would it be?

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. Well, a- and it's funny you say that, 'cause I remember my mom used to not think she was pretty, and I knew that, and then I just grew up not thinking I was pretty. And she would just say things like, "Ugh, my hair," or, "Ugh, this," you know? And, and it, it was just day to day, like you think, "Oh, who cares? I'm just saying this stuff," right?

Dr. Carla Caturia: But why do you think I didn't think for so long that I wasn't pretty, right? So the modeling thing is... So it's ju- it comes down to the same thing. It's, it's the parent being, like, have the awareness of how you are treating yourself or how you're talking to yourself. Like, you might say to your kid, like just to take that as an example, "Oh my gosh, you're so gorgeous.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Look at your hair." You know, from day one, you know, all these things. Mm-hmm. But you saying that and then them hearing you talk to yourself or s- you know- Mm-hmm ... your energy that you project about yourself just overrides all the things that you said to them. They... So then, then it's, like, confusing.

Dr. Carla Caturia: They're like, "You say I'm pretty, but then you're kinda like talking to yourself poorly." [00:24:00] So I think it's like the whole package. You have to like, you have to implement it as well for yourself, and you have to show up as the best version of yourself, and that's, that's the 

Dori Durbin: modeling 

skip: piece. 

Dori Durbin: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: Wow. If I would've known some of this when I, my kids were little. I'm so sorry, kids. I'm so sorry. 

Dr. Carla Caturia: Well, and, and Dorie, that- that's the thing, like I, I knew this at, in my 40s. I didn't know this at 14. I didn't... You know? So when I say this to parents or, like, I'm on this podcast, it's, it's... So you, you know, you have to give yourself grace, and you did the best you could with the knowledge that you had at that time, and that's it.

Dr. Carla Caturia: You know? Yeah. Like, and so it's never too late to make a change or make a shift. You know, I know you have, like, more adult kids, and- ... I'm sure you're still tweaking the way that you interact with them. It doesn't mean you were not a good parent. It just means you learned something new. Like, "I'm gonna try this with them."

Dori Durbin: Yeah. Yeah. And that's really kind of the secret to life too, I [00:25:00] think, is trying new things and trying to see what works best for you. But I think we put so much, again, we put so much pressure on ourselves, and that is part of what they learn. Yeah. Interesting. Interesting. Well, one thing that I definitely want to cover really quick is what you do and where people can find you, because I think what you, you had in the House of Rise is such a cool concept.

Dori Durbin: So will you talk about that, and talk about, um, how people can reach out to you and what you offer them? 

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, yeah. So I mean, really what I do is help kids, um, remove resistance around their limiting beliefs. And we help them to, you know, unlock the deeply rooted things that are getting in the way of them living in a more empowered state.

Dr. Carla Caturia: So they're always... They're gonna feel the big emotions, and the goal is, 'cause we're never gonna stop feeling emotions, to just be able to feel them, know they're there, okay, thanks for showing up and let them go, and not, have them not become a roadblock for them. So in addition [00:26:00] to, you know, I mean, we can talk leadership, relationships, you know, all the different areas, but the core of it is that.

Dr. Carla Caturia: And then over time, um, it's just helping them to become more emotionally intelligent, confident in all areas. So they might already be confident in some areas. And also be resilient. Resilience's a thing that comes up quite often. Um, everything's very much more easier today than it was before. You have Apple Pay, you have the...

Dr. Carla Caturia: You know, like, everything's just, like, at our fingertips, YouTube, whatever. And so not that kids need to work hard, but they're, they kind of see a, a little, little, like, a bump in the road, and it becomes like a mountain for them. Mm-hmm. And so to teach them that, you know, to work through those things. And yeah, and then inadvertently, like, what usually happens is the relationships between the parents and the child become stronger as we work together.

Dr. Carla Caturia: I work with the whole family primarily the teen, but I see a lot of parents every week, just like I see their kids every week. So I think it's both things. Are kind of working [00:27:00] hand-in-hand. And to connect with me, I mean, social media is pretty much the best place. Instagram or Facebook, it's Dr.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Carla Coutura. I have all, all my videos and information up there. Um, you can see you know, some testimonials and just kinda get to know my vibe, and if you grab anything that's valuable for you, love it. That's the reason why I'm on social media, so yeah. 

Dori Durbin: That's awesome. Yeah. Awesome. I love it.

Dori Durbin: We have one more question before we leave. I always like to ask about an action step that parents can do as soon as they get off the podcast. They're like gone, ready to go. What are a couple things that parents can do to take some of the pressure, or help take the pressure off their kids who really are feeling the weight of trying to be perfect and achieve?

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, I think, um, one is the self-regulation. So not to do anything with their kid, just to handle something with themselves. If they haven't gone to the gym in a while, make it a point [00:28:00] to get there. If they take a walk or whate- read a book, whatever it is. And I basically recommend help slowing down. Slow it down.

Dr. Carla Caturia: You know, it- there's so much noise out there. There's so many people in the community, and school, and all the activities, and I understand that you want your kid to be a part of everything, yet are they grounded in what they're doing? So it's basically are you living your life according to your values as a family?

Dr. Carla Caturia: Um, so I think them grounding themselves, and I think also helping your teen to build autonomy. And really, the only way that they're gonna have a high sense of confidence is by not controlling them. 'Cause if you, if you control every little thing that happens, that just destroys it for them. So I think any kind of autonomy you can give them give them choice.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Let them fail. It's okay. And help that... Then they have to work through it and problem solve and learn, "Okay, I learned from [00:29:00] that. I'm gonna, I'm gonna do it differently next time." So I think handling your own state, doing something for yourself, and giving your teen some choice, and let them rise or let them fail, but let them learn from that experience.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: Oh, I love it. That's great advice for all of us, Carla, you are amazing. I can't wait for people to find out more about you, to reach out, and get the help that they've been trying to figure out it's such a blessing that you have that, that gift to help us.

Dr. Carla Caturia: Well, thank you so much. I, I really enjoyed my time here, and I hope I helped a few people along the way. 

Dori Durbin: Absolutely. Well, as parents, it's easy for us to focus on what's visible, all of the accomplishments, the successes, but beneath all of it is your child actually answering the question, "Am I and can I be enough?"

Dori Durbin: And really, when it comes down to it, it's taking that one small step to just explore the ideas and slow things down, like Carla said, so that at the end of the day, we can proudly say, "Now that, that was good parenting." [00:30:00] Talk to you soon