DORI DURBIN: Welcome to, that's Good Parenting, the podcast that searches for simple steps to reduce your parenting stress. I'm Dory Durbin, children's book illustrator, coach, and podcaster and I help parents and family focused professionals, kids size their expertise into children's books that kids will understand and use.

DORI DURBIN: Today's conversation is for parents who are raising kids who navigate pressure, identity, resilience, and also happen to be athletes. Whether that pressure shows up in sports, schools, friendships, or family transitions, there always seems to be something heavy. So I am joined by Keno Wilson Fike, a life coach, Christian coach, family coach who works with youth, athletes, and families to help them build identity, resilience, and purpose.

DORI DURBIN: Kena is the founder of Radiant Joy Coaching a professional speaker and the creator of three positive each day journal, which helps kids and families develop a healthier mindset and stronger emotional resilience. Kena, I am so glad to have you here today. [00:01:00]

KINA WILSON: Oh, thank you, Dory.

KINA WILSON: I am so excited to be here. 

DORI DURBIN: I can't wait for you to talk about some of the questions I have, but before we even do that will you tell them a little bit about who you serve and what led you into the work you do? 

KINA WILSON: Yeah, so I have actually taken a shift. When I first started, I wanted to work with women in teen girls.

KINA WILSON: And then recently I started my master's program and I realized that working with athletes is where my heart just sits. And so now I am working with athletes. I am working with their parents as well. There are some times that I work with their parents. I really feel like God brought me to this in an organic way, and so I'm just taking that lead that he's kind of put in front of me.

KINA WILSON: Shifting the way that I need to, to be there for the athletes. 

DORI DURBIN: I think that parenting world where athletes have this pressure the parents don't always see they, they see the practices, they see the schedules, they know that there's an intensity there, but they don't always see the internal pressures that the kids might be carrying [00:02:00] themselves.

DORI DURBIN: So from your perspective, what are some of the most common struggles that you see the kids dealing with when it comes to their confidence in their identity? And they also happen to be athletes. 

KINA WILSON: Yeah, so I am recognizing that a lot of times these athletes are carrying the heaviness and the pressure that not only they're putting on themselves, but they may feel from their parents or from their coaches.

KINA WILSON: There are times people sit across from me and they're like, well, I don't wanna disappoint my parents so I'm not playing enough, or I'm not scoring enough. And I'm like, wait a second, wait. We can't let that be our driving force because if we do, we're just gonna get crushed. And so we walk them back and we get them to realize like, why do we play this sport?

KINA WILSON: What is the reason we're doing this? Right? Let's bring that back. And once we can like set a foundation for them to remember like there's actually joy in what we're doing. And when we let that pressure go, that heaviness, that all these athletes, especially elite athletes are feeling they can [00:03:00] have more fun in it.

KINA WILSON: I actually, you know, it just came to mind, the Pistons. I don't know if you've seen the memes and stuff lately. So the Pistons obviously are doing really good this year and their social media has done a great job portraying before the games. There is one specific athlete who comes out with a speaker and he gets all these guys with him just hyping and having fun.

KINA WILSON: And it's like, that's what we need to remember. We are here to have fun and enjoy the sport that we're doing and not the heaviness and the pressure that like they have to perform right now because they're number one. But if they carried that out there with them, it would be a crumble and fall. And the same thing is happening with our teens and our young adults.

KINA WILSON: So, that pressure is the biggest thing that I'm seeing . 

DORI DURBIN: Are they feeling the pressure from their own expectations? Is it a team expectation or is it like letting people down back home kind of thing? 

KINA WILSON: Oh, I've seen all of it. [00:04:00] I have noticed like the letting the parents down or for my college athletes, you know, the parents are coming into town this weekend, what if I don't even get playing time?

KINA WILSON: Like I don't know where I'm gonna fall. So there's the pressure that's kind of out of their control. Then there's the pressure of like, I'm a young captain. I'm supposed to be leading this team. How do I do this? I don't know how to lead people who are older than me. And all the way to my coach has these expectations,, how do I get past these pressures that I feel because I'm not getting the feedback I need from my coach. So there's lots of different ways that the pressure is coming onto these. And then there's the performance, right? And ultimately the performance on the other end is something that's affected by all these other pressures.

DORI DURBIN: It's so complex. You think they're just going to go play a sport that they love and they'll enjoy it and they'll get time. There's so many assumptions that go into saying yes to sports. And then they get in there and we are just talking actually before the [00:05:00] podcast about even the, structure of practices and the structure of how many games in a row and how much effort.

DORI DURBIN: So how do you teach these athletes to actually advocate for what they really need ? 

KINA WILSON: So something that I have been really, helping my students to see or guiding them in is they can have conversations with their coaches and we walk through what are proper ways to approach your coach, right?

KINA WILSON: So not going up to them and be like, I'm not getting the playing time I want, why can't I play? Instead, you can reword the conversation and you could go to your coach and say, okay, I would like to contribute to the team more. What do you need from me to contribute to this team more? So it's still asking about playing time, right?

KINA WILSON: But you're not putting it out there like a red flag, like, oh, I'm not playing as much as I want to. But if you approach the coach and say, Hey, what is it that you need from [00:06:00] me in a civil manner? Um, I'm a huge person of the 24 hour rule. We wait 24 hours after any big emotional outburst or maybe hurt or pain.

KINA WILSON: Let's wait 24 hours before we go have this conversation with our coach or another teammate or a friend, whatever it is. 24 hours is a good rule to let yourself calm down, 

KINA WILSON: but 

KINA WILSON: I love watching my athletes go have these conversations with their coaches or even teammates and then coming back to me and being like, that actually made me feel so much better.

KINA WILSON: Or, I see now I need to work on X, Y, and Z in order to get more playing time. So then they have goals that they can work toward and be able to reach rather than just guessing what they need to do. Right now they have a lead. And those conversations are hard to have, especially for people who maybe their parents have always had the conversations for them.

KINA WILSON: They've not been put in that situation yet to have that conversation. So I really coach them in like how this conversation could go and [00:07:00] what it could look like. 

DORI DURBIN: I love that. I love, first of all, you're teach 'em to advocate for themselves and have actual real adult conversation. Like Yes.

DORI DURBIN: In a respectful way. Though, like you said, they're not whining, they're not complaining. They're going to see how they can contribute at a higher level versus I, I'm not getting enough of what I want. 

KINA WILSON: Yes. 

DORI DURBIN: The other thing I thought about too is with your young leaders that you were talking about this is a huge piece, like leadership means.

DORI DURBIN: Being able to have the conversations that make change and open up doors to communication. So 

DORI DURBIN: Is that an intentional piece on your end with the leadership piece of that too? 

KINA WILSON: Yes, it totally is. And even like, not only communication, but relationship. If you're gonna be a good leader, you're gonna be in good relationship with those people that you are either serving as your teammates or even your coaches.

KINA WILSON: That comes with good communication, that [00:08:00] comes with good emotional regulation. We are not perfect, but learning how, when you're in those angry moments, having your 24 hours that you're waiting before you have that conversation it's learning to navigate those moments that you know throughout life, you're gonna get curve balls.

KINA WILSON: All the time things are gonna happen and things are gonna come up. And learning that you can work past these things is huge. Being able to, not just in sports, but in life, like this is not the end, right? Like it's okay, you're gonna be able to work together and be in that leader that can fall down and then hold people up with them as they rise back up, right?

KINA WILSON: And so I told one of my athletes like, listen, your team may be falling apart around you, but as the captain, when you see something good happening, you need to lift them back up. Like, Hey, that was a good pass, or We're gonna get the next one. Instead of being that, oh, why'd you ever do that? [00:09:00] I'm like, how you say those things really matters.

KINA WILSON: Like you have to, how you word stuff matters. So it's maybe teaching them how to say the same thing, but in a kind way that's gonna uplift their team instead of tearing them down. And so that's a leadership skill I've been working on with some of my athletes. 

DORI DURBIN: That's so good. And honestly, like in the chaos of the sport where your brain is working for the next move, the next thing like having those in your pocket to be able to pull them out.

DORI DURBIN: Yes. And almost like, like at a no brainer moment, like you can just respond positively instead of that negative, that's gonna turn the whole game sour for everybody. Yeah. 

KINA WILSON: It's like the moldy apple effect, right? It takes one bad attitude to start just leaking onto all the other teammates.

KINA WILSON: But the same thing can happen with a good attitude or somebody who believes in that moment, right? If we take a good attitude and we start to overflow that into our teammates, it will shift an atmosphere and it will change a [00:10:00] game. I have seen a team come back, my own son, actually. It was a really cool experience, so he was in, let me think.

KINA WILSON: Third or fourth grade, he was playing baseball. Their team hadn't won a game yet this year. They were down nine runs in their last inning. And I am clearly this fun, upbeat person, right? And I played softball in college, so I was like, let's get our rally caps on. So we put on our hats, like inside, out and up, down.

KINA WILSON: And I got all these boys cheering. It was fun. I got all these boys cheering with us and we're having this good old time. And a run comes in, right? And we're like, yeah, okay, we got this. Another run comes in, another run comes in. So all of a sudden now it's like, oh, we've got this momentum, right?

KINA WILSON: Like we're building, we're going. Now mind you, they were down by nine runs and they hadn't won a game yet this year. And these boys just kept cheering and going up with this confidence that was overflowing from their [00:11:00] bench to the next person. And, we ended up getting bases loaded.

KINA WILSON: My son was up to bat. He had two strikes on him, hits a grand slam home run to tie the game. The other coach loses his mind because he cannot believe like this. They were up by nine going into this last inning. How is this happening? And we're the home team. He lost his mind so much they ended up calling the game and they ended in a tie.

KINA WILSON: But these boys thought they won. So we just like let 'em have their moment and glory. But that just goes to show like it's not over till let's over, and you get to continue to uplift your team and overflow and it will grow into it. So the same, it can happen negatively and you can all crumble and fall apart, but it can happen in a positive way too.

KINA WILSON: And you can all just fill off of each other that we're gonna be able to do this, and then your confidence will build as [00:12:00] your team as well. So it just, it's a cool, I don't know. That is a great story and it's a true live story. You can ask my son about it. It's still one that we talk about to this day.

KINA WILSON: It was pretty cool. 

DORI DURBIN: That'd be so fun to see too, to see just the momentum going and the positivity growing. Yeah, that is awesome. You actually brought up something that I wanted to ask. So in that moment, your son with two strikes yeah, he could have gone to a mental head space of, this isn't working, I'm gonna be the one that ruins this.

DORI DURBIN: You know, and talking internally to himself. And I, the reason I bring this up is 'cause, you know, his kids book illustrator, I think about all the dialogues, right? So our kids. Have these stories in their head where they're talking to themselves, how do we teach them to stay positive in moments like that or positive where they do fail and it is their turn again to turn around and come back in a like fresh, new way?

DORI DURBIN: How do we teach them to talk? 

KINA WILSON: Well, yeah, so what I teach my kids I have six kids. So what I teach my kids is am my [00:13:00] I coach as well, like basketball and baseball and things like that. If you think you can, you will. If you think you can't, you won't. And what you say to yourself actually matters. And so I have told my kids and my little teammates all the time, like if you go up there and you're tell yourself you're not gonna hit the ball, you're not gonna hit the ball like.

KINA WILSON: You can't walk up to that plate saying, I'm gonna miss the next one because if you do, you're going to. I'm like, but if you walk up to that and you're like, I'm gonna crush this ball, you have a much better chance of hitting it. And if you don't, that's okay. Because a professional hits the ball maybe three out of 10 times and they get paid millions of dollars to do that.

KINA WILSON: Like it's okay to not be perfect. And so this is what I like to reiterate to them, like, what you think matters. So that is often what I will tell my kids and people that I work with, that you have to talk to yourself in a way that is positive. You have to tell yourself that you can do these things even [00:14:00] when you may not believe it.

KINA WILSON: What you are saying to yourself will start to change those pathways in your brain and it'll be easier to do it. And then once that momentum comes, your brain is already thinking, I can hit this ball. So I think like getting out of those mental slumps, you have to do words of affirmation for yourself.

KINA WILSON: You have to tell yourself you can do these things. You can write it down, you can put it on your mirror. I like writing with expo markers on my mirror, like the words of affirmation I need for that day, right? Like, you can do this as a mom. You got six kids, you didn't sleep last night, but it's okay. Like you can do this.

KINA WILSON: So like, there's just different ways that you can mentally prepare. For me, I like to pour into my athletes and let them know, like I believe in them. I like to make the comparison of like the major league person only hitting the ball all three times out of the 10, or only making it on base three times out of the 10.

KINA WILSON: And they get paid a lot of money to do that. Don't hold your standards up to [00:15:00] something that is not reachable, right? It's okay, there's gonna be good pitches, there's gonna be bad calls. And you have to be able to have your moment and let it go. So that's the other thing I teach them a lot.

KINA WILSON: Like you can have your second or two to be like, oh man, but then you have to like let it go. If you stew on it, the rest of your game is gonna be done. You have to just let that mistake roll. You gotta be like rubber and not glue, right? Just let it bounce out for you and you gotta move to the next step.

KINA WILSON: And as a coach, I'm always behind them like, it's okay, you've got this. Remember who you are, you can do this. Don't stop. If you stop, I lose you. I gotta take you out and put somebody else in because if you're mentally gone from the game, you're not coming back. So like it should be somebody else.

KINA WILSON: And it's not like, oh, you can't do this. Like, no, genuinely like we just need to move on to somebody else because mentally I've lost you. So until I can mentally bring you back, you're not gonna be able to benefit in the [00:16:00] game. And then they could be the moldy apple and we gotta be careful with that.

DORI DURBIN: Oh, so true. So true. What do kids need when they're in that moment of not being sure or maybe maybe failing, you know, maybe it didn't go the way that they wanted to.

KINA WILSON: I've done lots of re shirts on this and there's different things that people say. Some say like, just don't talk about it at all.

KINA WILSON: Wait 24 hours and then have a conversation. Okay. Yeah, that can work too. But sometimes your kid may need. To have that conversation earlier. So I think you have to kinda gauge your child. If you come at them at the end, they might be in fight or flight. Anything you say to them anyways at that moment's not gonna work.

KINA WILSON: It's just gonna be blocked off from their fight or flight. So I would say waiting until your kid is ready to have that conversation and let them speak about the game. You know, how do you think it went? What do you think you did? What could you have done differently? Where, how could you have reacted differently?

KINA WILSON: And so when you start to walk through those mistakes, they had during their game, let them try to tell [00:17:00] you what they feel they could have done differently, that kind of opens the door that you could be like, well, I think in that moment I would have maybe passed the ball to so and so because. They were open or they were doing a back door.

KINA WILSON: I don't know, just like kind of walking them through what you would do in those moments. I think reiterating to our children that it's okay to fail and that we learn from failing is huge. Like just because you failed doesn't make you a failure. Like you can actually still do this sport. And what I tell my athletes often is like, you are still the good athlete even before that bad game.

KINA WILSON: And so as a parent, reiterating to your athlete, they are still a good athlete, whether their coach didn't play them, whether they missed the last free throw, whether they completely just weren't even there, that game. Like have a reset with them, pour into them and remind them of who they are and the athlete that [00:18:00] they are and the work that they've done.

KINA WILSON: And that one moment doesn't define them at all. So my would be like having a genuine conversation. Let them ask. Ask them questions they can answer. And then when you answer back, making it an example that doesn't so much tear them down, but like what I would've done or what you could have done. Like giving them examples of things that then they can think about and stew on for the next time.

KINA WILSON: Or maybe what you can practice with them in the yard the next day. Like, Hey, I noticed you, I don't know, when you were shooting, you weren't flicking your wrist, so when you wanna go out and I can pass you smalls and you can try to work on flicking your wrist. Just different things like that. 

DORI DURBIN: Yeah. And that doesn't feel personal.

DORI DURBIN: You're not attacking them as a person or they're decision is something that they can just execute in a different way. 

KINA WILSON: Yeah. Hey, you weren't perfect with this and that's okay. Let's go work on it. Because that's what we do when we fail at something. We work and see if we can get better at it.

KINA WILSON: Like my kids, I make them dribble with their left hand. You can ask any kid I've ever [00:19:00] coached in basketball, I make them do all the dribbling drills left-handed as well as right-handed. And some of the coaches have looked at me and they're like, they're in third grade. I'm like, yeah, but if they learn it now and I give them this space to fail and it be okay, and I will tell them that from the beginning.

KINA WILSON: I will never be mad at you for messing up or missing, or I just want effort. I just wanna see that you're trying and that you're doing the best you can because it just takes practice and it just takes time. So I think the same thing with parenting. You can approach it the same way. Yes, I know this is hard, but this is the stuff we need to work on.

KINA WILSON: And that's just with life in general. If you're not good at something, do the work. Try it a different way. See what you can do. Like you can learn the skills of anything. It just takes time. 

DORI DURBIN: Yes. I love that. I mean, that's a whole purpose. Like, if I were to ask you what is the purpose of an [00:20:00] athlete being in a sport, what would you say?

KINA WILSON: Oh, man. Learning life skills. Hands down. Yeah. You learn so many life skills, how to work with other people, how to overcome hard situations. Even how to celebrate in a respectful way when you are the winner. I say we win with class and we lose with class. That overflows into life in so many ways.

KINA WILSON: I just feel like athletes are really good bosses because they've learned to be leaders in hard situations and good situations. They learn to work as a team and not just by themselves, although some sports are individual, but usually I have a coach still that you have to learn from. So learning from others, like there's so many life things that happen in sports that it just, like, I could list those for an hour.

DORI DURBIN: Let me ask you this. I wanted to highlight your books. 

KINA WILSON: Oh, yes. 

DORI DURBIN: And the whole focus of them is to look at things from a positive perspective, right? 

KINA WILSON: Yes. 

DORI DURBIN: So tell us a little bit about them and what they can do for our kids, especially for our athletes who are [00:21:00] struggling right now. 

KINA WILSON: There is a lot of background in work that people have done about doing three positives each day.

KINA WILSON: It was something that was brought to my attention, I wanna say, five or six years ago. One of my own children was really struggling with negative thoughts all the time. And in order to undo that mindset, his counselor was like, Hey, I would like you guys to do three positives each night. I'm like, okay.

KINA WILSON: Like, we'll give it a try. We were supposed to write him down. He could not do that. So we verbally did it and it worked. And then we've done it for at least five years every single night together. Even if he's not home, he will still call me and we'll still do our three positives every night together.

KINA WILSON: I tell them mine and they tell me theirs, which creates relationship there in conversation. But finding the positive in each day, it actually directs your brain to find the positive the rest of the day. 

DORI DURBIN: Mm-hmm. 

KINA WILSON: A lot of times they say what you're looking for, you will find. So if you're looking for things to go wrong, if you're looking [00:22:00] for negative things, you're gonna see that in the world.

KINA WILSON: But if you're looking for positive things, you're trying to find the positive in the day, it's gonna shift your mind to start finding the good in things instead of the bad. And so, three positives each day is just a simple way to start seeing the positive of every day.

KINA WILSON: And then there's a reflection question. And the girls or in the teen girl and the women's, I have reflection questions. And the teen boy, my son was like, I'm not doing any more things, so don't you ask me an extra question. Believe that it's funny. I know. So that's why the teen boy one, I think I'm gonna revamp that so that there is, '. And I have a family one that I'm still waiting for Amazon to approve. I have a kid, one that's out there .

DORI DURBIN: That's awesome. I love that you, are able to knock that down for the kids who need it. That's what we'll say about that boy one. 

DORI DURBIN: Yes.

KINA WILSON: Yes. Three positives is enough. And then there's a thoughtful section where you can list your three positives for the day, and then there's a reflection area.

KINA WILSON: [00:23:00] So if they did want to write more about their day, there is still space for that. But like in the women's one, it'll give you a reflection question either from the day or maybe from your week. It kind of bounces every seven days. There's a weekly question, so yeah. 

DORI DURBIN: I like that.

KINA WILSON: Yeah. 

DORI DURBIN: Awesome. Okay, so we have just a couple questions left. So, okay. One thing I wanna ask you is if our listeners want to know more about how they can find your book, how they can contact you, and more about what you do, where are the best places to find you? 

KINA WILSON: Alright, so if you wanna find me personally, you can find me at Radiant Joy Coaching on Instagram.

KINA WILSON: That is the best way to find me right now. I am in the works of getting my speaking page up online, my website, so I'm in the midst of designing that. Hopefully soon that would be done. And it would just be my name, pina Wilson Fike. And Pina is KINA, Wilson What? L Pike is F-E-I-C-K, the hardest name [00:24:00] ever.

KINA WILSON: If you go to that now, it's kind of generic, but in the coming months it should have a lot more stuff on it, and there'll be links to the books so this is, you know what they look like three positives each day. There's a teen girl, teen boy, and then the women's one. So each one of those are found on Amazon.

KINA WILSON: You can type in three positives each day and they should pop up. But if not, type my name in 'cause they're under my name. So put in Kena and you might be able to find it that way too. 

DORI DURBIN: I love it. Okay, last couple questions. For a parent listening today who wants to help their child grow into confident and a resilient person, what is one simple step that they could take as soon as this podcast is over?

KINA WILSON: One simple step would be do the three positives each day. You could absolutely do that each night with them, asking them three good things, maybe even that happened at practice with them or just throughout their day. I would say I would work on your relationship with your child. I would work on connecting with [00:25:00] them in a positive way, whether it be through having dinners with them, going outside and throwing the ball with them.

KINA WILSON: Doing the three positives each day, I would go in and create a relationship with them that is not pressure or perfection, but something of support and confidence. So that would be my first thing. 

DORI DURBIN: Love it. Okay. And if there was one thing that you wish all parents taught their kids, what would that be?

KINA WILSON: It's okay to fail. I wish parents would teach their kids that it's okay to fail and then help them work through the emotional feelings of failing. How do we get back up and try again? How do we continue past feeling like the biggest failure? So when I was in high school, I missed the last free throw that could have tied the game up for us.

KINA WILSON: And if I would've made both, I would've won the game for us. And we lost our only regional game that was so close and I had to walk away from [00:26:00] that and then start the next season like. Oh my gosh. I could have just won it for our team. But I looked back and I thought, you know what? No. We had a whole, however many minutes we were on that court, that last minute didn't matter.

KINA WILSON: It was a whole team effort. It wasn't just me. Yes, I had a moment. I could have helped us and I could have won it for us, but all that pressure technically wasn't on me. So I think like helping your kids to learn it's okay to fail and how to stand back up after we do and use that failure as something that helps us progress instead of keep us back.

DORI DURBIN: Chills. Just chills. Yes, absolutely. Because like we were saying before, it's not just in sports that you have to know how to do that. It's in everyday life and everyday situations. 

KINA WILSON: Yeah. Whether it is relationships, whether it is schoolwork, right? If you fail the test like how do we study better?

KINA WILSON: Maybe we didn't study the right way. Like there's so many things, or you know this, I lost all my friends. These friends don't like me. Okay, well let's go back and let's see, were [00:27:00] they good friends? How do we find good friends? Right? Like you learn from your failures. You learn from the mistakes that you make.

KINA WILSON: And even going back and apologizing, right? Learning how to be repent full too is there's just so much. So learning how to fail and that it's okay to fail. 

DORI DURBIN: I love it. Keno Wilson Fike, you are amazing and I am excited for people to find more out about you, be coached by you and to become the athletes that you see in our kids.

DORI DURBIN: So thank you so much for the time today. It is wonderful to hear your perspectives. I know our listeners appreciate it too. 

KINA WILSON: Oh, thank you so much. You were my first podcast, so I appreciate you entrusting me to be on here. So thank you so much, Dory, . 

DORI DURBIN: Absolutely.