Dori Durbin: [00:00:00] Welcome to, that's Good Parenting, the podcast that searches for simple steps to reduce your parenting stress. I'm your host, Dorie Durbin Children's book illustrator book, coach and Podcaster. Parenting today is. Full, it's busy emotionally, mentally, and even physically. And for many parents listening, the hardest part isn't what is happening on the outside. It's actually what's going on in the inside. That constant thinking ahead, the emotional regulation, the pressure to stay calm and be responsible even when you are exhausted.

So if you've ever wondered why parenting feels so heavy, even when you love your kids so deeply, this episode is for you. Today we're talking about some of the hidden emotional labors of good parenting. Not to give you something else to work on, but to name what's already there and to help you carry it with more support and less blame.

I'm joined today by Calvin Day. A trauma-informed coach, educator, and author whose work centers on [00:01:00] helping parents, caregivers, and educators feel seen, safe and supported, especially those who are used to being the strong ones. So let's get to it. Kalan, not all our listeners may know you yet, so could you tell them more about you and what you do?

Calvalyn Day: Absolutely. Thanks so much. I'm so excited to be here. Dory. So my, I always say I took the scenic route to, uh, the space, kind of the mental health space. I went to college initially to be a psychologist and veered off into marriage and children and all the different things and came back around and became a school counselor.

So my background is in school counseling, um, working at home-based therapy situations with families, and that's when I really started to. Learn how easy it is to be a, a parent who really loves your kids and struggle to take care of them, um, or to, to reach kind of like a hard part of, of taking care of them.

But that is where I developed my love of supporting people through that as well. And so now I typically, am working one-on-one with my, coaching clients who are, um, therapists and helpers and healers in [00:02:00] that area, balancing all the things like entrepreneurs and balancing all the life. But I still get to dabble a little bit with teachers and youth serving organizations and parents who are, um, looking for those skills that they need to really move in the right direction.

Uh, my, uh, my passion is probably working with people who are kind of setting their own course. So maybe some countercultural parenting. They maybe learned what their parents did, wasn't exactly right, and they're trying to figure out what is gonna work for them and their family. So I have a really special place in my heart for those people.

Dori Durbin: Yeah, and I think it's really, this is something that I, I mentioned before we started, this is a topic. We've talked all around on our podcast. We haven't talked straight about how people feel. I think it's, it's not real common for people to admit, I'm really struggling emotionally with parenting right now.

I'm not just frustrated, I feel underappreciated. So what do you see when people come to see you and ask for help? Where are they at in their parenting journey? 

Calvalyn Day: You know, I think [00:03:00] we live in a wonderful time where there's tons and tons of information, but that's also super overwhelming because you have a thousand different choices and figuring out what's gonna be the right choice for your family is a big part of the process.

So maybe you have on one hand what your parents did. That was the best they knew at the time. But you know, you don't wanna do that. And then you have what maybe is the complete opposite, polar opposite of that, and that doesn't feel right because it doesn't feel authentic to you. So figuring out what is your journey of parenting going to look like, which is obviously super responsive to your kids' needs.

That piece of the puzzle I think is the one that miss, that people really struggle with. And it's not necessarily something that people are talking about because. There. I think there's a, you know, there's some vulnerability necessary to say like, I don't know what I'm doing. But there's also so much judgment around parenting.

What is a good parent? What's not a good parent? It's this person's fault, it's the teacher's fault, it's the parent's fault, [00:04:00] it's this, you know, it's society's fault. So that makes it even more of like a tricky conversation to have, I think. 

Dori Durbin: It seems like at least my, my kids are in their twenties, so when my kids were younger, I always felt like it almost looked bad if you weren't exhausted from running your kids here and doing this, and like doing all the things you could, and in the meantime.

I remember days where I don't even remember anything about the day. Yes. Like it was just so busy. Do you find that frequently, like there's like this badge of honor for 

Calvalyn Day: being super Oh my gosh, absolutely. And there's almost this conversation around if you're not that way, you're not doing it. Right.

Like, if you're not exhausted, you must be doing something wrong. And that's what I mean, kinda when I say this kind of counter-cultural parenting, you know, there's. There's, and this is no, disservice to them or shade to them in any way, but everybody's not gonna have, everything's not gonna be Instagrammable, you know, like everything, like I just, you know, we got [00:05:00] right out of the Christmas you know, perfect stocking stuffer in the 80,000 elf on the shelf ideas.

And the next thing I know, I blink and it's like, oh, now it's time to order all the Valentine's things, right? So everybody has to have the perfect Valentine. So if you're not like always on. You feel like you are missing something or you're ch, you know, you're ruining your child's childhood kind of thing.

So I definitely think there's a lot more of that right now. It's one of the, the spaces where I have a lot of empathy and compassion for parents Today, my youngest is 16, so I'm super close to being an empty nester. But I know there's a lot of people that struggle with that, where they have definitely been trying so hard to keep it all together and to just.

Do the right thing by their kids. 

Dori Durbin: So when, when parents think of doing the right thing, is it social? Is it for the social norms,

Calvalyn Day: I mean like, I think it's definitely a combination. I think the more we know about the brain science and all the things that goes into parenting, there's definitely this [00:06:00] fear of, I don't wanna mess up my kid.

I don't wanna ruin my kid's life. So there's definitely that piece of it. There is absolutely the social component too, because we didn't, growing up we didn't know this stuff that was going on in other people's houses. I can remember being a young kid. Going to like one of my friend's houses to do, like to work on a school project or something, and her mom like made us a grilled cheese with tomato soup.

And that was not something my mother, that was not something that was cooked in my house. And I remember thinking like, is this what you guys eat? We never saw that. You just didn't, you saw what they brought for school, like peanut butter, jelly, whatever. But the fact that somebody's mom was at home in the middle of the day making, you know, grilled cheese and tomato soup, which became something I definitely made for my kid a thousand times.

But now we have constant exposure to what people are doing and it's a reason. Then it becomes like this internal judgment for ourselves. For sure. 

Dori Durbin: Okay. I've heard a lot of parents say, I am so tired. Should I really [00:07:00] be this tired? And I'm just wondering if they came to you and they asked that question, where would you start with that?

Like what would. Be at the heart of being so tired. 

Calvalyn Day: Well, I think should is a word that I try to avoid with parents. Hear the word should. I'm always like, because that it signals that you're judging yourself. And I want you to not be judging yourself first and foremost. What I would ask is what you want to feel, right?

What is it that you want to feel? And that's like a really important part of how I, I would say, I don't wanna say transformed my parenting, but how I developed into the mom that I am today. Is, what do I want this experience to be like for me? And what do I want this to feel like for my child? I can't control what their feelings are, obviously, but if you prioritize like what do I want their experience to be of me if I can't.

Um, logistically navigate these 77 things without being exhausted and grumpy at the end of the day, I think they would really prefer me not exhausted and [00:08:00] grumpy. So I try to focus on that piece of it first and then build from there. And I think typically what happens when there's when.

More of a stress or a strain where they feel like they're super exhausted. That's the piece that's missing. They're not focusing on, um, they're focusing on the stuff and not the experience. And it doesn't have to be a perfect experience, but it's like, what is I want, what do I want them to remember about this?

They're probably not gonna remember. The, Valentine they got in 2026, they got to pass out to their friends so you don't have to run to the mire at 10:00 PM to get you Valentine's. But they will probably remember that you remember to hug them that morning or that you had time, you know, to snuggle up on the couch with them.

So really keeping the main thing, the main thing I think is, is what typically is missing. So if they come to me exhausted, that's probably where I'm gonna start is what do you actually wanna feel? 

Dori Durbin: I bet there are a lot of parents that have a hard time voicing that, right? Mm-hmm. 

Calvalyn Day: Yep. 

Dori Durbin: It seems like [00:09:00] a simple 

Calvalyn Day: question, but it is.

But you'd be surprised if most people don't have an answer because we know what we don't want, right? Like, I wanna not feel exhausted. I want to not be, you know, the laughing stock of the neighborhood. Like, I wanna not have these things. But when you actually say, what do you want? Particularly for moms, I'm not gonna talk about dads.

'cause I don't really know specifically what dads always feel, but I know a lot of moms. That have put everybody else's wants, needs, and de desires ahead of their own, to the point where they don't even really hear their own voice. They don't even really know what they want. So that questions is one of the ones, it's one of my favorite ones to ask because it'll come back up two or three or four times because I'm like, I couldn't stop thinking about that question because.

Yeah, it's a little seed that I'm planting. 'cause I want you to start to become more aware of those moments where, oh, I, I like this feeling. I want more of this. Well, I don't like this feeling. I want less of this. Okay, what was I doing when that felt so good? And so you can kind of tune in a little bit.

Dori Durbin: Ooh. I like [00:10:00] that. 'cause I, my next thought was like, was there amount of time that has to happen for them to unravel enough to figure out Exactly. 'cause really, like I envisioned my early years of parenting, of being a mom, being like this spider that was making webs all over the place and holding onto them, and you just wrapped up in everything.

You're, you lose your identity, you lose your focus. And I think that happens pretty commonly to a lot of people. So you almost have to unravel to figure out what you even want. 

Calvalyn Day: Yeah. It, and it's, it's a hundred percent a process. It didn't happen overnight, and it's not gonna un, you know, UNH overnight.

It's definitely something that takes some time, but I think the first piece is really increasing that awareness. And then there's probably some skills and some tools and things that are necessary to kind of fill in the gaps, right. But the first piece is you gotta know what you want. You gotta know what matters to you, and you have to know that you're.

Very much worthy of being able to say, yes, this is what I am willing to do, and this is what I want to do, and this is, you know, this is a boundary for me. Like, [00:11:00] all of those conversations come from knowing what you want. And so that's a key piece of the puzzle. 

Dori Durbin: So when parents, when moms, especially when they tell you what they want, they get to that point.

Is it something that is like intrinsic or is it more like a career goal? Or is it all of those things that you're focused on? 

Calvalyn Day: It can be both, right? So I, most of the, the moms that I work with are entrepreneurs, so they are in at least some capacity of their, like their own boss, which sounds really great, except for it puts all this pressure on you to figure out every single thing, like you got all these options.

But now you have to like make the plans and do all the things that goes with it. So sometimes it can be really overwhelming to think of what the stuff is, but you know, it just, you, you don't, we don't try to tackle everything all at one time. We try to focus on what I think is like, what's the next right step?

Right in this moment? This is the thing that's really creating the most distress in your life or in this moment. This is the thing that if we worked on this one, like these other things [00:12:00] could fall into place. Like if we could do that piece of it. Then, um, that tends to work. So there's definitely like an intrinsic feeling.

The feeling is always underneath it. Like it's al it's always there, right? There might be some more superficial thing on top of it, like, oh, I wanna make more money, or, oh, I want this career status. But underneath it, it's always, I want to be validated, I wanna be chosen, I wanna be respected, I want to be appreciated.

I wanna feel loved, I wanna feel valued. So that's always there. It just might be covered up with something else. 

Dori Durbin: Okay, so if you have a, a mom who is going through this and they're trying to figure out how they feel, do they share that with their kids? Do they share the fact that they're tired?

Do they share that, the fact that they don't know what they want? Like how much is too much for kids to know and or is it beneficial? I honestly am not sure. 

Calvalyn Day: Yeah. So my rule of thumb is you. Work with the age and stage of the kid, right? So there's certain things that are, there's almost always [00:13:00] a developmentally appropriate way to say.

Most things, right? There's some things that kids may be like, don't need to know or whatever, but by and large, the vast majority of things kids can handle, right? Like they maybe can't hear that you feel torn and unappreciated, but they can, they can understand that mommy's sad, you know what I mean?

Like, so they, you use the, the developments the appropriate way. But I think especially. My, my motto for parenting is I'm parenting children and I'm raising adults. That's my motto. So I always wanna meet them wherever they are, developmentally, but I don't, I wanna leave them there. And I know that every single day, and this is probably the most exhausting part of parenting, they are watching me and they are learning about how to navigate the world by the way I navigate the world.

And what I, I have kids who have struggled with anxiety, so. The fun part? So that's, so I, I say that sarcastically, the fun part about it is that they are almost always telling an internal story that is not remotely true. So I've [00:14:00] found if I don't speak to things that what ends up happening is they create a narrative that I never really wanted them to pick up.

So it means that I do wanna be more explicit with like. Right now, I'm just exhausted and I need a break from you, and I don't wanna be nice right now, so I'm just gonna lock the door and that's what I need. Or and I did this when my kids were younger too, so when my kids were younger, I, I, when they got in that phase, that fun phase where they no longer needed an afternoon nap, but mom needed a break.

I started something called the choir box, and it was just a, a fun little box of trinkets that I, most of which I would get from Goodwill or yard sales, but they were toys that they could only use during that 90 minutes of the afternoon. And I would switch toys in and out periodically so they could get the choir box in their rooms.

There's no tv, but they could have this really fun thing that, and the key is that they don't need my help with at all. So there's nothing in there that needs mom's help at all. But [00:15:00] they could have that and be really excited for that 90 minutes. And I could take a nap myself 'cause I needed it. Or disconnect 'cause I needed it or what have you.

And so it didn't have to be mom doesn't want you, but it was, it's time for your quiet box. It's time for mom's quiet time. And that's the way that it worked for us. So there's always a developmentally appropriate way to have the right conversation. And they don't always need the details, but you just kind of frame it that way.

Dori Durbin: I love the quiet box id. I really, really love that. 'cause that's something they look forward to. You're both looking forward to that time. It's not a punishment for either of you. It's not Right. Casting them off to do something they don't wanna do. That's correct. I wish I had a quiet box when they're, 

Calvalyn Day: it's funny now is I have, you know, teenagers that do babysitting, they're like.

I'm basically, I'm packing a pride box to take with me too, because they want, like, they're gonna be babysitting for the whole day over Christmas break or something. They want to have something to break up the day too, because. I've now taught them that that's the appropriate [00:16:00] way to, you know, structure your time together.

I think some parents worry that it has to be perfect, that it has to be something that they could put on Instagram or Pinterest, and it doesn't have to be, I mean, 90% of the stuff that would be in those boxes. Was inherently not super valuable, but it was because of the way that I put it in a container and the way that that I switched things out and so they didn't know what was gonna be in there.

And sometimes they'd be surprised or excited. So it doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be intentional. 

Dori Durbin: That's a, I was thinking it'd be a really great thing for grandparents too, you know? 

Calvalyn Day: Mm-hmm. Yes. Absolutely. 

Dori Durbin: Absolutely. So another question I had in my mind was when it, you're talking about moms right now primarily and getting help.

How do moms explain this to their spouses? I think when most moms really like to feel strong and capable and like they've got everything together. And I think even reaching out to your spouse sometimes might feel a little bit like help me, I'm, I'm overwhelmed. It's too much.

And it's [00:17:00] probably hard. So. Is that something you encourage and how do they have those conversations? 

Calvalyn Day: Yeah, I'll be super honest. I wasn't great with that. It was, it was not something I was great with. I, um, definitely am a person that likes to do it on my own and do it my own way, and I. Didn't have a spouse.

I'm, I'm divorced now, but I didn't have a spouse that was always eager to help. Sometimes super eager, but always, but not always. So I just really developed the rhythms and the routines of my own. My sister is a relatively new mom and I always like laugh that she, her and her husband are super duper partners.

Like they are really, and we just, honestly, were talking about this morning 'cause there was this a season, my niece is like 15 months old, so she's, very young. And there was a season where she's like, I just hate every night. I just hate every single night. Because it was so stressful to feel like there was no rhythm and no routine, and it just felt like chaos all afternoon long.

And so today when we're talking, I was like, this sounds like progress to me. Have you acknowledged that this is progress? And she's like, [00:18:00] okay, it's fine. You know, like. It's like, it may not be perfect, but there's a new rhythm where it's like, okay, I do dinner and he takes the dog for the walk and then he comes in from the dog with the walk and then they go hang out in the basement.

You know, it's like, there's just like a rhythm and it's not something that she specifically has to like. Direct 'cause I think that's a challenge that moms have sometimes is like, I asked him for help and then I ended up doing half of it myself. So that is something that they've worked really hard to not have.

And it, I know it's a, because he's really super invested in being a dad, but it did require some effort on her part too, because it is. Very natural, especially if you're a natural caregiver to just get up and do all the things. So sometimes you have to step back and you have to invite, and you have to allow, and those are not always the fun things for a mom who wants it done a certain way.

And I really probably struggled with that more than I recognize that the time. But if I was given some advice to a new mom, I, I would just say like, Hey, [00:19:00] the kids will have a really valuable relationship with their dad. And the fact that dad doesn't do it perfectly or even the way you think is right, doesn't really matter for them, but it really matters for the relationship that you allow that to happen.

So good enough is definitely good enough, especially when it comes to dads, and that's not always the way the moms get treat it, but I think for that father and child relationship, there's a lot of benefit in allowing good enough to just be good enough. 

Dori Durbin: I think you're so right and I think later when the kids are older moms really want dad to kind of help and give them a break.

And I, I agree. Yeah. Well, let's talk about if moms don't ask for help what are some of the fallbacks of that? Let's say I'm, I'm debating like, I, I'm struggling and I'm not sure if I need help or not.

You know, what does it look like if I keep going like that? 

Calvalyn Day: Yeah. I think the worst case scenario, and I'm not gonna go to extremes obviously, but [00:20:00] I think the worst case scenario is that your kids begin to get the message that they are a problem. I think that's the worst case scenario for me as a mom.

Like if my kids somehow create a narrative that. I don't have time for them or I'm not interested in them or that they make my life harder. Like that narrative, I think is the worst case scenario when moms don't allow themselves the space and to get the help that they need. And I know that no mom wants that.

Like that's not like I've never met a mom that wants that to be what their child experiences of them. But having had like really good conversations with my kids and you know, we have a super open. Relationships where you know, they get to process and talk and all the things. That's one of those things that I realized that.

That's what you took from that. You know, like that's not something I ever said or thought, and I don't remember necessarily thinking that as a child, but I wasn't an anxious child either. So, knowing what your child's personality is and any of their, you know, specific diagnoses like I have child with children with anxiety and children with A [00:21:00] DHD.

And so navigating those things has definitely, um, been a learning curve for me. But understanding. That their thoughts aren't necessarily logical to my brain, but it makes perfect sense to them and trying to be aware of that helping you does help them. It really does. So that's I think, the thing that I would want the mom to know.

Dori Durbin: Yeah, that's great. I was just talking to somebody recently and we were writing a children's book and talking about how different situations make you act differently and I was thinking about this as far as like.

Mom's being exhausted and at home there's the home mom, but away there's also kind of the mom that goes to school and has communications with school, and I know that you also kind of coach people through some of that. Um, what do you see when they shift for locations and they're moving into the school area and are overwhelmed, exhausted, and aren't getting help?

Calvalyn Day: Yeah. So I would say, and the funniest story is when, like when I [00:22:00] first started in my business, I was doing like parent coaching. So I was really helping parents with like behaviors and things like that. And one of the reasons why I did that is I was working with a mom who I thought to be one of my more engaged moms, and she was like.

We had a conversation where I was facilitating a, a, a conflict resolution between the student and teacher. And it was great because I knew that this teacher was super, compassionate and was totally open to it. But the mom was like, how did you do that? How did you get him to understand, like, I, I talk and talking, talking, talk, talking.

It's like he never understands what I'm saying and I thought. Oh, okay. Interesting. So as, as, as I'm trying to explain her how, you know, like, the, the process of facilitating a learning is not something that you are naturally born with. That's not something that you're naturally born with.

And so. Teachers tend to have more of those skills, but parents don't always feel comfortable to ask either because they don't wanna be seen as not knowing how to take care of their children, or you know, they don't wanna put more pressure on the teacher. [00:23:00] I think the greatest gift that you can have is a partnership with your children's teacher, and that sometimes requires you to put yourself out there to make it happen, but I think that that can be really beneficial.

What teachers want more than anything is for parents to feel like a partnership. And so they're generally very open, to that. And obviously there's, outlining conversations, but in general, what they really want is that partnership. So if you have a conversation, they're willing to have a conversation, they really will work with you.

So I think that's the piece is just like keeping that communication open and being honest about where you are and what you're trying to, to accomplish. And maybe even what you've tried that's like not working or is working because kids benefit from that shared, partnership too. 

Dori Durbin: I remember learning the most from their kindergarten and first grade teacher.

And just 'cause I was coming into it with, like I said, the spider with the webs. Mm-hmm. And this is a new web that I haven't formed yet. And I went in and I was scared to death that. I didn't do [00:24:00] a good enough job that, um, maybe my kid's not gonna succeed in classroom 'cause it's different than what we do at home.

There were so many fears going into school and he did great, but. I also spent a lot of time talking back and forth. It was almost more for me and she was awesome. So I, I love that you say that. I think too, so many parents jump at teachers because they hear something about what happens at school and that doesn't happen at home.

So they are frustrated that this control that is at home doesn't extend to school.

Calvalyn Day: Right. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah, 

Calvalyn Day: so my rule of thumb is your kids are always gonna do something different because of the setting. Like that's, you know, the circumstances are just different.

And so, so it's not at all uncommon for a parent to, there's a, some maybe like wild outlandish behavior happening at school and they're like, this has never happened. And the first instinct teacher's like, of course it does. And I'm like, no, it probably doesn't because the demands at home are different.

The structure at home is different. There's 30 kids in this classroom and there's, a very [00:25:00] rigorous schedule and you know, routines and rhythms that. Kids really do need, like I I people really underestimate the amount of support that it gives to a child's development to have some routines and some rhythms in their lives.

And so if life at home is kind of chaotic or you've just got a lot going on, or you know, you're really, really busy in the afternoons, especially if there's like older siblings or anything like that, it can create an environment where you don't see the same things happening. So it doesn't necessarily mean that there's something wrong, it just means that maybe.

Trialing, some of those supports at home could be beneficial or giving some of those resources at school could be beneficial. So it's not necessarily that it's not true or it couldn't happen, it's just the settings really can impact a kid's behavior for sure. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. Yeah. And that's, if you don't understand that it can be different or you don't have that perspective, it's, uh, frustrating to say the least.

Calvalyn Day: It can definitely be frustrating and it can be really frustrating because you're at work or you're, even if you're at home, you're like. I [00:26:00] don't wanna feel like I'm being called to the principal's office because my kid's having a behavioral issue. But it also, IM, it immediately puts you on edge.

It's like this, that somebody thinks you're doing something wrong too. So that's, I always try, when I, you know, when I was working directly in a school, I would always try to have like conversations with parents that were not shame inducing. Because that's a very natural and organic thing that can sometimes happen, especially if they've had any trouble with school themselves.

Like if they've ever had trouble at school on their own, like just the call from the school feels like I'm in trouble and that's not what I want them to ever feel. So I definitely tried to, you know, have those conversations be less of that and more like. Let's just work together. And that was probably some, those were probably some of my favorite things, you know, doing in the school.

You know, having parents that felt like they had a partner in our office. That was a good thing. 

Dori Durbin: So one of the things that I wanted to point out to our listeners, Kelin, was that, you have one-on-one coaching, but you also [00:27:00] have other offerings for parents so can you talk about some of those? 

Calvalyn Day: Sure, sure. So my, typically, my work that I do one-on-one is with, parents who also happen to have a business, and they're looking for support of figuring out a way to make those two things mesh in a nice way. Um, but I am really, really fortunate to have, uh, a, a practice, a counseling practice that I still work with in my Indianapolis area.

And while we can't serve everyone around the world, one of the things that we came up with, something called I Am Well University, which gives you access to parenting classes. Workshops and sometimes, you know, structured and supportive conversations with mental health professionals so you get the resources that you need in a little bit more of an organic way so it doesn't feel like you have to rearrange your entire life.

A lot of them are on demand. And it was really designed to be able to help people get the resources that they need in a really affordable way, because we really knew that things were shifting in terms of how people's. Finances around healthcare work. So we wanted this to be something that can supplement the work that you do at home or with [00:28:00] the therapist of your own.

And so that can be really beneficial. I typically do most of the parenting classes that are in, in that, uh, portal. So, um, things that I've done over the years from, you know, learning from my own experiences as a parent, but also in the work that I've done with schools and youth serving organizations too.

Dori Durbin: That's awesome. So they could start that, like they could sign up and start right away. 

Calvalyn Day: Anytime. Yeah, anytime. It's always open. And the great thing is that it is not, not meant to replace anything therapeutic, but it is a great supplement if you have that, have that option, or you can use it just kind of as a freestanding way to just kind of give yourself a little tuneup so it can be really helpful.

Dori Durbin: That's awesome. And where was that again? Can you give us the address? Yep. 

Calvalyn Day: It's called I am Well University if you, uh, and I'll make sure that you have the link as well. If you, uh, go to the, well counseling group.com is the website and you can get signed up for the I Am Well University through that website and it is a really great tool so.

That's awesome. 

Dori Durbin: Okay. Okay. We'll definitely include the links for that one last question for you. [00:29:00] If parents are listening to this podcast, they're feeling the feels, they hear what we're saying, they're totally tying in.

What action would you encourage them to take today to make a change? 

Calvalyn Day: Oh, that's such a good question. So I think the very first thing I would encourage them to do is create their own vision for parenting. What is your vision for what you want to be and have and do and experience as a parent? And it should be just the, the real root of what you want.

And then anything that you're getting ready to do, whether it's signing the kids up for another afterschool activity or. Planning a different, vacation, it should all be filtered through that vision of what you want this experience to be like for yourself. When my kids were younger, I have four daughters, and so when they were younger, I had this rule.

There was one sport and one activity per child at a time. That's it. And the reason for that is I knew that I could navigate more than eight things in any given week [00:30:00] and not lose my mind. So there would be times where they're like, but mom, I'm really, they're like, once your kids get to like middle school and high school and there's even more now that they have access to, and they would come home with these slips and I'm like, which one are you giving up?

Which one? You know? Are you giving up this activity in order to do this activity? Well, no. Okay. Then I guess we'll have to put this aside until next week, next month, next year, next semester. What have you? And at the time I think they might've thought like, oh my God, my friends can do it. But it, number one, it was, it matched our budget at the time, so I didn't feel like I had to work astronomically more hours to try and cover all these different expenses.

It meant that we weren't having dinner in the car every single night, which was not what I wanted them to do. And it taught them the skill. That like, Hey, in life you're gonna have all kinds of options and you have to choose what fits in your life and what doesn't. And none of them, have missed out on anything in life because I [00:31:00] didn't let them have 17 different activities.

But I know so many parents that they make decisions in a more of a fragmented way as opposed to the overall. Picture of what they actually wanna have. So get clear about what you want that to look like, and then filter every decision through that. And if it doesn't match up, then get support to find the alternative.

If maybe you need some help on that. But I think that really does make every single thing in parenting easier. Not necessarily easy, but easier. 

Dori Durbin: That's amazing. I love the matching up piece of it, because I think just having the vision isn't enough. 

Yeah, 

Calvalyn Day: having the vision is a great place to start, but if you have a vision board that stays in, you know, in the back of your corner, behind your bookshelf or whatever, and you never pull it out, it's not super helpful.

You have to figure out how to live it. Like you have to figure out how to live the vision and, you know, if my vision is, I wanna be a well rested, well nervous, you know, nervous system, regulated mom. Then [00:32:00] I do have to say no to some things that disrupt that. And it really is just when it, when it becomes that it's not about, well, mom doesn't love me.

Well, mom won't let me try this thing. No, you can try it, but are you giving up this other thing or are we gonna wait until next year? And that is. Gives them an opportunity to make some decisions and those, that's so critical for kids to have the ability to make good choices and think through the consequences of those choices.

So many times we think of parents will come like, well, what's a good punishment for this? I'm like, stop trying to come up with random punishments. Let life be a natural consequence. Like the consequence of choosing too many things is that you're miserable. The consequence of choosing. You know, to not do your work is that you are gonna get, not, you're not gonna be able to play in the game this weekend, right?

You've gotta give people, give the kids that, that space for those safe ways to get those natural consequences early so that you're not having to try and come up with, [00:33:00] you know, something punitive enough when they're 17. So. Having them learn those things, the way to think through things and the ability to make those decisions, that I think is probably one of the best things.

I saw a dad recently who was, um, taking his son. It was on TikTok, and he was taking his son to the grocery store and he'd given him like $10 and he wasn't using dollar bills. He was using like, um. Some sort of replacement item, but he's like, okay, this you, he's like, you get to choose whatever you want for your $10.

And so he, you know, chose apples and oranges and all these different things. And then he got around to the boxes of snacks and he's like, well, wait a minute. And so he is like, well, if you wanna put away your apple, then you can get this. You know, and so he went back and forth and I think the little boy's, maybe four.

So super, super young, right? But that's a decision. That's the easy way to start this process because at some point as an adult, he is gonna have to budget his money and decide what he wants and what have you. And so many times we haven't given our kids room [00:34:00] to have to get to build those muscles.

So when you practice that in front of them. Guys, we said we wanted a big vacation this year, so I don't know if soccer fits into the budget because we're, you know, the vacation is the same price as soccer, so which one are we gonna do? I think that bringing kids into that is so beneficial for their development.

Dori Durbin: That's amazing. Just thinking through all of those things. And you're right, when they get older, they're gonna make all these decisions. But they'll have had all this practice before that instead of just starting to make decisions as 20 year olds. 

Calvalyn Day: Absolutely. Yeah. 'cause they have so many options then, and, uh, they're not, they, and at that point, they might, may or may not, you may still, like, hopefully you're still in their circle of influence.

Right. When they get to be 19, 20, you know, 25. Would they all be like, mom, what do you think about X, Y, Z? But you may be farther in the background of that circle of influence. So your opportunity is when they're younger to give them that practice. 

Dori Durbin: [00:35:00] Yeah. Can I ask you one more question? I'm gonna put it into the um, podcast a little bit earlier, but you mentioned a well rested.

Mom. 

Calvalyn Day: Mm-hmm. 

Dori Durbin: Okay. Some people may have lost sense of what that means. Yeah. What would you, and how would you describe a well rested, emotionally stable mom? 

Calvalyn Day: Oh, that's such a loaded question. I think first and foremost, I think in terms of nervous system regulation, so do you feel like you can sit and be still and be quiet?

You know, like the, we think of meditation as this cr, you know, crazy thing that you do and you're humming and all the things, but it's really, can you peacefully sit for five minutes? And not have your mind racing in 10 different ways and not have your body actually feel like you're going to crawl out of your skin.

If not, there's a good chance that you are running around with your nervous system dysregulated on a regular basis, and that's. [00:36:00] Comes from a lot of different things. It can come from, you know, a history of childhood trauma. It can come from, you know, biological conditions. It can come from a, you know, just stress of life.

But every choice that you make to honor your nervous system, everything from pausing to, you know, casually allowing yourself to not rush. Like that's a big one. Like the, the number of people that think it's totally normal to just rush everywhere. No, you really, you really shouldn't feel rushed 24 7.

And if you do, that's probably not allowing your nervous system a chance to rest. A lot of moms I know do not get great sleep either because they are in that season of life or the kids are not sleeping great and they're waking up every few hours or because they can't turn their brain off to get a good night's sleep.

And so practicing a little bit of meditation. As simple as five or six minutes really can benefit you. The, the data is very clear on that. A little bit of meditation in the morning and a little bit in the evening, even if it's just [00:37:00] a short chunk, actually does a lot to regulate that nervous system.

If you're in those childbearing years, the hormones can go all over the crazy place. If you're in the perimenopausal years, they get even worse. Talking to your healthcare providers about the things that you're experiencing and making sure that you have one that really listens to you and cares to help support that, whether it be through supplement or treatment or what have you.

But paying attention to how your body feels is a big one. And I think a lot of moms just don't. I can definitely remember when my kids were younger, like not. There's period whole periods of time where I really don't remember like going to the doctor or checking up on myself or paying attention to how much I was sleeping or what I was eating or what have you.

So arrested mom is gonna always make better decisions because she's making it from a stable place and not from this like reactivity, but the choice to be rested is a choice. Because there's things that you will allow and, and not allow, um, that will allow you to [00:38:00] be rested. So I think that's the real key is making those intentional efforts to not rush, to slow down, to allow yourself to be present.

The multitasking is so hard. It's so hard. But, I sometimes will see a, a video that'll come across social media, and it'll be a mom who like. Sits down to eat dinner and she, it's like getting up every two seconds to get something for somebody else. You are allowed to say, I'll get that when I'm done eating.

You're allowed to say that, right? You're allowed to say you know, you can use the step stool, or you can wait for mommy to get up. I'm gonna finish my food. Or I'm, you know, I'll get to it when I get to it. Like, you're allowed to say that. So making those types of choices allows you to be more rested and less dysregulated, and it absolutely will help you feel like a better mom and your kids will have a better experience too.

Dori Durbin: I just love that, I love the description because I think that it, it gives us more insight into what's really going on in our bodies. 

Calvalyn Day: Oh, yes. Yeah. Yeah. I think moms [00:39:00] don't pay enough attention. Like we worry about every little bump and bruise on our kids. We want them to never, they have even a little stitch of an illness.

We are jumping on, you know, to, to make sure that they're good, which is wonderful. But the number of moms who just don't prioritize their wellbeing, like that's, that's not a requirement to be a good mom at all. It's just not. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. Wow. Kel I just know that our listeners are probably on the edge of their seats wanting more, and I'm gonna have to say, when it comes to moms and support, it's really important to have some sort of community, some sort of support to make you feel a little bit more sane and take better care of yourselves for sure.

Calvalyn Day: Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. 

Dori Durbin: So listeners, if this episode resonated with you, I want you to hear this. If you're feeling tired, overwhelmed, or unsure, and you feel a little bit like you're failing, it's not that you're not a good parent, it's that you just need a little more support [00:40:00] and allow yourself some time.

So contact Calvin Lynn and find out more about what she does, and we'll have the show notes for you and all of those links in the show notes. So thank you so much for your time today, Kelwin. 

Calvalyn Day: Thank you so much for having me. It was great.