Dori Durbin: [00:00:00] Welcome to, that's Good Parenting. I'm your host, Dorie Durbin, children's book, author, illustrator, and coach and parents. If you ever felt at a loss for helping your teen handle anxiety or even just stand up for themselves. Well, today's episode is definitely for you. I'm joined by Becky. Fun.

, A teen confidence and anxiety coach who specializes in helping young people find their voice and build strong self-advocacy skills. Becky, I would love for you to talk a little bit more about yourself and share about your work. 

Becky Funk: Yeah, thank you so much, Dori, for having me on.

I'm so happy to be here. I am a mom of two young adults and a wife and a former high school teacher. And I found myself coaching teens because my son went through a period where he was really sick and I quit my job and I stayed home with him. And once he was doing better, I. What do I wanna be when I grow up?

Now that I'm in my forties, I didn't wanna go back to teaching. So much [00:01:00] had changed in the classroom since I was out and a friend of mine mentioned coaching. You should coach. 'cause I kind of naturally was already doing it and it just. Opened up a whole new world to me, and I am so thrilled to be doing this job right now and being able to help teens who were just like me at their age, find their voice so much quicker than I did and walk into adulthood more confident, you know, and strong and ready to face the world instead of stumbling through it for 20 years like I did.

Dori Durbin: I think you know, in that respect, a lot of us can totally relate because the parallels of our experiences are similar as teens. But we each have like a different, I don't wanna say a hangup, but we have different anxieties mm-hmm. About different things. I know sometimes, like when anxiety is a huge issue in a teen's life, it's not the confidence that they lose just in themselves, but it like shows up in school.

It shows up at home everywhere that they are. So, , what do you wish that [00:02:00] more parents understood about teens and anxiety in general? 

Becky Funk: Oh, gosh, that is a great question. I wish they understood. Like it's a real thing. They can't just get over it, you know? And, and I have parents on both ends of the spectrums who were like very serious about it and others that, you know, that it, you just stop wearing, just stop wearing.

It's what I was told growing up. You know, I think everybody, you know, when growing up in the eighties and nineties, which just. Get thicker skin, stop burning your heart on your sleeve, and I can't do that. So a lot of it comes down to just kind of respecting where they are. And there was a study that actually just came out in July at the University of Georgia that talked about how your parenting style can actually shape your teens, your child's anxiety.

And now every parent listening. Don't freak out and have the guilt. 'cause I know we're all Googling late at night. Like, did I cause my teens anxiety? You know, and it's not a. I don't want you to be down. [00:03:00] I was that person. I was that person. So what they found was if you tend to have a more cold controlling parenting style that's surrounded with like guilt and shame, then your kid's going to have a lot more anxiety.

And I think that kind of makes sense, right? Because when you're controlling, your teen isn't, or your child isn't realizing like. I can't make decisions for my own because the world is too scary, right? I need somebody else to do it for me, or I'm not okay being who I am because I'm supposed to be this person.

You know? And the guilt and the shame just kind of gets at us. They found that parents that have a more warm, affectionate, accepting parenting style tend to produce teens who have, you know, who can are more resilient, can kind of handle what life throws at them a little bit more. And all that to say.

What happened in the past can change, you know, doesn't mean that has to be what happens in the future, because I was that parent who was a little controlling. I'm a [00:04:00] perfectionist. I like to control things and you can't control toddlers no matter how hard you try. You know? It was tough. It was tough. So, you know, I, I got to a point where I realized on my own that this wasn't working for my kids.

And so I had to make some changes through that. And so that study, I think we all kind of know, but you can change that. And I think then what is most important for any parent of any teen to take away, but especially those that are anxious, that your relationship with your teen.

Should always be the utmost concern. Like you wanna discipline, you wanna, I know like there's a fine line between gentle parenting and you know, you have to find that with your kid and it's gonna be different with your first kid and your second kid and your third kid. But protect that relationship at all costs.

And through that is just a lot of open communication. Hey, I see you're really struggling. What's going on? And quite honestly what they tell you, you're gonna be like, what? [00:05:00] That's really what's bothering you. And you know, we have so much more life experience to know that this breakup that you just experienced is not the end of the world.

But to this girl this guy, it really is. 'cause they don't know any different other than this was my person and now they're not. 

Dori Durbin: You just said so many things. I wanna go back to, I, I talk so 

Becky Funk: much. I'm 

Dori Durbin: sorry. All great things. I think, I think the big thing that popped into my head when we were talking was so many of us think that when we start being parents that we have to stay that same path as our kids get older.

Yeah. And I'm one like you, like I didn't like where I was. Yeah, in the toddler years, I felt so stressed and so overwhelmed. Mm-hmm. And then as they got older, I was like staking different perspective and seeing different things and like, oh, well I don't have to do that. And I think so many times we just get in that headset of like, this is how I was raised, this is how it's gotta go.

[00:06:00] And then that becomes, you know, they get to be teens and. You are fighting, literally fighting to have a relationship. Yeah. And on the other side of that, having kids who are in their twenties now, I'm like, oh man, I'm so glad I slowed things down and, and like figured things out before that got outta hand and we didn't talk to each other.

Right. That's like I, you put me in like the flash forward and flashback right away. But it's so true. And like what you said about the boyfriend's situation or the, you know, their first crush, their first love to us, we've had for, or whatever, whatever it is. And to them it's the first time.

Everything is the first time all the way through. 

Becky Funk: Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: And so, yeah, that just puts things in a totally different perspective. Oh, I love it. I love it. Great thing. So, so one thing that I think about too is you've actually taken all these observations that you've, you've created over time with your own kids and with your clients, 'cause you've had mm-hmm.

Multiple [00:07:00] clients I know for sure. Mm-hmm. I forget how many hours. A hundred plus hours. 

Becky Funk: Yeah. It's, we're up there 

Dori Durbin: hours. Yeah. And you've developed systems that you use with them. Mm-hmm. Um, so can you talk a little bit about that, because maybe parents don't even realize that there's a path that they can follow.

Becky Funk: Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, I'm not setting the world on fire with anything that's not a noon. But what I do with, with my teens when they come to me for help is, is exactly what I walk through. It's first having to take a look at who I am and realize what are my triggers, what are like, honestly thinking, what are my triggers, what's my personality?

I, years ago, got into the Enneagram. Have you heard of that at all? Yes. And I found out I was an Enneagram one and a perfectionist, and all of a sudden my entire world made sense, right? So I use that with my teens to help them understand where their anxiety comes from, because if you are an Enneagram nine, the people pleaser, your anxiety is different than [00:08:00] the Enneagram one the perfectionist or the Enneagram six, the overthinker.

You know, like we, it all kind. So that helps us understand like one. There are so many other people out there who think and act exactly as you do. You're not broken, you're not broken. We just have to figure out how to harness all of this energy in a more positive way. So that's part of that awareness is figuring out what their personality is and kind of where they fall in that range.

And then helping them build up like self-esteem and self-confidence of like you are worthy of taking up the space. So then we move into building resiliency. So a lot of times by the times I. I get these kids you know, they've been struggling for a while, a while, and their nervous system is a little f afraid.

So when I was, when my son was sick and my anxiety was at its worst, my counselor introduced me to Vagus Nerve. Have you, I mean, this was brand new to me at the time. Talk about that. Talk about that. Yeah. So the vagus nerve is this bunch of nerves that run from our brain to our gut, and [00:09:00] 80% of the communication goes actually from our gut to our brain.

And so it's. Sending all these signals, and when you're stressed, it's your vagus nerve, it's kicks on and there's a vagus break. You can think of it like a car break where it slows down your physical responses, so where your heart rate starts to increase and you start breathing shallow and your brain starts spinning and you can think straight, you know, and you're getting sweaty.

The break comes on and it was like, whoa, let's slow all of this. Down so that your prefrontal cortex, which in teens is still developing, you know, has a chance to kick on and think reasonably about the situation. And over time, when you're constantly stressed and constantly stressed, I tell kids it's like taking your fingernail and scratching the back of your paw, back of your hand over time.

If I do it for like a couple seconds, like it's not gonna do anything. But if I'm doing it for an hour straight, you know, two hours straight, rubbing that same spot, eventually I'm gonna break through the skin and it's gonna hurt. And that's essentially what it's like for your nervous system. When you're stressed all the time, you've, [00:10:00] it's kind of a little raw and it leaves a little TLC, I tell 'em it's basically like physical therapy for your nervous system. So we're gonna do some things to take care of yourself and it's not gonna be a quick fix. Like physical therapy can take weeks.

Like this is something that's gonna take time. And so I part, the second part of the program then is building the resiliency and it's helped calming down their nervous system. So that they can work on the resiliency and, and realize the world is a safe place. It's just that I have made it in my head an unsafe place.

So we're coming down their nervous system, pushing them to do some things that are a little out of their comfort zone to kind of build that faith in themselves. And then the last part of it is advocacy. 'cause I think. We all need to learn how to ask for our needs to speak up for what we want and and I always tell my parents what they always relate to.

When you ask your kid to clean their bedroom and they. Yell or scream or roll their eyes and stomp their feet, and it's so unfair. What I help them do is instead of reacting that way, calming down and [00:11:00] responding and saying, I know it's important and I'll get to it, but I am in the middle of something. Can I do it later?

And every parent's like. Oh yeah, I'm okay with that. That's what I want. You know, so that process that I walk them through helps take them, you know, through an understanding and a, and calming their nervous system and building their resiliency so that they can use their voice to stand up for themselves and just say, yeah, I'm not a bad person.

I just, I just need, I need a little bit of time, yeah. So. 

Dori Durbin: Okay, go back to the vagus nerve. Okay? Sure. So if that is raw, let's say as you, yes. Then some of the smallest things are going to cause the biggest reactions. Right? 

Becky Funk: Exactly. Exactly. So asking them to clean their room, which you don't think is a big deal, is huge.

'cause they can't handle it. They can't handle it. Like a change of plans. Like, oh, we're gonna go to grandma grandma's for dinner tonight. You know? Oh, well now you know, their world's falling apart. 'cause they were planning on doing X, Y, z. Like [00:12:00] it does. It's, it's huge. 

Dori Durbin: Okay, so that is a reaction from a team that is like visible. Mm-hmm. It's something that is more like explosive or reactive. Right. Could you ask a different team that same question and they have like a totally different reaction and still have. They're still under the same amount of stress.

Mm-hmm. Like, what would that look like for another team that may not 

Becky Funk: visibly react? It's gonna be the exact opposite. They'll shut down. They just shut down. They're, they tend to be more of the people pleasers, you know, who don't wanna cause any conflict. They don't wanna cause any, you might see some tears.

You could see them fighting back the tears, but they may even just hide that, you know, and be like, okay, fine, I'll go clean my room and close their door and just. Break down, these are the teens who they're, they're not lazy. They look lazy, but they're not, they're overwhelmed. Like they just cannot handle anything else before they break.

Dori Durbin: Yeah. There's probably a lot of [00:13:00] parents that would identify with the reactive 

Becky Funk: Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: But maybe fewer ones that would. You know, identify their teen as having anxiety in the other extreme. Yeah. And so then as a parent, how do I know if my teen is.

Overwhelmed. And at this point, so I know the extreme are either, I'm assuming there's some in the middle too. Yeah. So what should I be looking for? 

Becky Funk: Yeah. Uh, what you look like. Look for. Look for Always lazy. Like always on their phone. Do I mean everybody's doom scrolling nowadays, right? Yeah. How, how much time are they really spending on their phone?

As moms, I think we often tend to like have that little check in our spirit, like something might be off and ask them. Just how I think sometimes we get too quick to assume and not wanna ask because we don't wanna call, you know, they're just gonna roll their eyes anyway or whatever. And they might, but they need us asking and prying and it's asking the right questions.

You know, it's [00:14:00] not just, Hey, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. But I can see you're a little off. I can tell there's something that's going on right now. Do you wanna talk about it? They might not want to, they might need a little bit of time, but you know, then it's here when you're ready, you know, and just being that gentle presence for them to help pull them out of it if they're sleeping a lot more than they used to be.

If, you know, getting out of bed is really hard when it wasn't before, if they're not eating a lot. You know, a change in appetite is a big one. If they're having stomach aches and headaches and, you know, the physical symptoms, that's another sign that, I mean, obviously you wanna go to the doctor and get it checked out and make sure it's not something else.

But it could be a physical representation of anxiety. I have had, I've heard so many times, um, you know, I was just talking to a, a teen yesterday. It was like my hand is shaking, like I feel like I'm anxious. But I'm fine and a lot of times there's even a [00:15:00] disconnect in teens and adults of my brain says, I'm fine.

I am not worrying about anything, but my body is sending so many signals that things aren't good right now. So it's looking for some of those physical symptoms too. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. Yeah. So when, when parents bring their teens to you, is it because of the physical symptoms that they're bringing them, or is it. More common issues that, that they're bringing that 

Becky Funk: Yeah, it's a wide variety.

I, I get it all. I've had, you know, she's having stomach aches and issues and we don't. Doctor said it's just anxiety. Can you help? Yeah, absolutely. They come to me, um. Sometimes they know it is. I had a girl who couldn't look me in the eye. The first time I met her. Her anxiety was about, she's shaking, you know, she's not talking to me.

And by the time I would like to say I completely was this, but I, well, I give her all the credit, but by the end, she was the lead in her school's play. It was a huge change. I like to say that one. But yeah, they, they come to me for a variety of different. [00:16:00] A variety of different reasons.

A lot of times it's the, I can tell there's something wrong and I don't know what it is, and I'll get, she doesn't have anxiety. Can you help her with X, Y, Z? And yeah. You know, like I can help her like. Like, I can't, she won't get out the, out of the house on time. She's missing assignments. She's fine. She doesn't have anxiety.

And I was like, okay. She asked some questions. Okay. She's probably a little bit of a perfectionist. Like there's gonna be some underlying anxiety, you know, and Okay. Yeah, there's some social anxiety that we're dealing with now, which is normal for many teens, but it, it's a, it's a wide variety that bring them, and I'm, I say that like I told my kid the other day, I was like, what I do, I'm always looking for anxiety, so I'm always gonna be my first go-to.

Because you're probably anxious. But, um, you, you know, wanna make sure, you know, it's any of those other things. It, it tends to be what I, what I look for just because of what I do. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. And we had talked before the show a little bit that your own background kind of leads you to that. That's looking for anxiety [00:17:00] anyway.

And I think being a mom tends to put you in that category too, just because you're always looking for, is my child okay? Are they functioning? Is something wrong? Like Absolutely. Yeah. So let me ask you about this too. I know that a lot of kids, especially teens as they're getting ready to approach college and they're thinking about grades there's a lot of anxiety on grades, exams, peer pressure.

So again, I say there's some normalcy, like you said, but where do I start to get worried? Hmm. And I know some of your symptoms you mentioned but when, when do I start to worry for my kids at 

Becky Funk: that? Right. I, it's funny because the kids that I help are the ones that go under the radar, right?

They're not causing problems in school. They have so much pressure on themselves to be perfect. Parents are like, I don't care if she gets a C, but the girl's like, I got a 92 and it wasn't an a plus, and you know, I'm beating myself up. And so it, it's watching for having it's, [00:18:00] again, it comes back to.

Communication, like talking to your kids. If your kid's beating herself up and wanting to redo a test because she got a 92, not understanding. If she redoes the test, the best she can get is an 85. There's some problems, so a lot of times it, like they're gonna go under the radar 'cause they're, they're gonna mask it.

They're gonna cry quietly in the room. But how much time are they spending doing their homework? Do they let themselves have fun? I had a girl one time say I wanna go prom dress shopping this weekend, but I have so many things that I need to do. Am I allowed to go, girl? Yes. You're allowed to go prom dress shopping and have fun like so you know, is your teen.

Not taking time to have fun or is she going out with friends but feeling guilty, you know, while she's out with them and coming home and you know, staying up until two, 3:00 AM to then work on her to-do list. You know, just to not feel guilty about taking time out. So those are like little things to that you [00:19:00] can definitely look for.

Decisions is a big one. If you ask her, where do you wanna go to dinner tonight? And she's like always, I don't know. That's a, that's a red flag. You know? It's like, yeah, she's easy and low key, you know, and doesn't really care. But she's like telling you I cannot make another decision. I don't have the bandwidth to think I'm afraid of offending you.

What if I make the wrong decision? That's a very silent cry for help. Wow. Wow. 

Dori Durbin: Now you've got some parents really thinking right now. Yeah, it's true. I think you're right. You know, there's a difference between like, I can't choose between these two things. Mm-hmm. Um, you know, do I want hamburgers or tacos?

You know, but Right. But if you don't care at all, that's what you're saying. That's when you choose. Yeah. 

Becky Funk: Yeah. If you, it's either, what I often see is they don't know what they like, you know, the people pleasers are gonna. Lose themselves for the sake of everybody else, right? So they, they don't, I don't know what I like to eat.

I don't know where I [00:20:00] wanna go. The perfectionists are always gonna be afraid to make the wrong decision. And like child, you cannot choose a wrong restaurant. Just choose. But that comes back to what you said about college. You know, like there's so much pressure on, on, you know, going to college and doing this, and a lot of times they just get paralyzed.

What if I. Even getting a job, I was working with a teen who wanted to, to get a job, and she was like, but what if it's the wrong one? And I was like, then you quit and you find a different job and you've learned you don't like working at that restaurant. You know, like, yeah, 

Dori Durbin: that, that would be a huge fear because then again, if they're perfectionist, they've made a mistake and it's in front of everybody and everyone knows.

Yeah, exactly. So both my kids went to college, and I think about this all the time, like choosing the college was huge decision. Mm-hmm. Then once they get there, they all go through that shift of you know, I'm, I'm doing what all myself, you know, that reality shift [00:21:00] and then it moves into the grades and the social piece and there's a lot there.

So. I see some real benefit, and I'm sure you would agree of having this figured out before they make those kinds of decisions. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, yeah. Um, so if I have a student who is maybe a sophomore or a junior who's starting to consider colleges 

You have some advice for like how to even make the decision of whether to go or what college to go to?

Becky Funk: I am. I, I can always, I'm always, my answer is always like, you need to talk. Yeah. You just need to talk to them. Let them know what your expectations are. You know, like some kids are gonna be so driven. My youngest was like, I am leaving. I, my oldest commutes to the local college and my youngest was like, I need to go, I need out.

And that was fine. They're very different. But we started those conversations, early, like you said, and letting them know, like. There is more money in trades right now than in going to school. You don't have to go to college. You know, taking a gap year is a very [00:22:00] healthy thing. There's no guilt in taking a gap year.

So I think having the conversation and laying out the all the possibilities, is, is a great way to start. And then starting to prepare them ahead of time. Sophomore year is great of people skills. That's what I constantly see in the Facebook parenting groups of like kids off at college and they don't know how to be social with other people, how to have a roommate.

And those are the types of things that I think cause probably the most stress when kids go away. So it's starting early of like, okay, yeah, we all have phones, they're not going anywhere. And you communicate on your phones, but let's also have everybody over and put your phones away, and how do we interact, how do we work through a difficulty with a friendship, you know, instead of just like ghosting and the, and the friendship's over.

Like how do we work through that? How small talk is huge, like. Let's figure out some small talk cues, some questions you know, that you can have in your back pocket. So when you're standing, waiting for class to start at [00:23:00] college, you feel much more comfortable saying, so what dorm do you live in?

What's your major? What town did you grow up in? You know, what's your favorite animal? Whatever. Instead of like, now you're out on your own, like you said. All of these other things that you have to struggle with, like managing your own time and your classes are harder and everything, and now you have all this social stuff on top of it.

That one we can take care of so easily, much earlier. I love that idea of having those 

Dori Durbin: in your pocket. Do you practice them ahead of time then? 

Becky Funk: Is that Yeah, I have some, I have some right now. I'm like, okay. And I, we may always make them do the research, like go on Google and find out what is some good small talk questions, you know, and I have them pick some of their favorites and we talk about the pros and cons of having some of those, some of the limitations, you know, of what those questions that they've picked may have.

Um, like. I can't even think of one right now, but I just was working with a client on it and you know, she found some limitations in what her favorite go-to question was gonna be. So now she has a second question that kind of, you know, when that one doesn't work, she's got other [00:24:00] ones to go to and it's getting them used to it now while they're in high school.

Putting themselves in, positions where they're around different people, like clubs or whatever. And having to have that first conversation in person, IRL and have to like say things, helps break the ice and builds that confidence so when they go off to college, they can make friends easier.

I'm gonna say making friends is a. That's another one. We, I think they go off to school thinking they're gonna find their bestie within a week. And that's not how that happens. Like, it's a slow process. And so giving them, setting that realistic expectation, you're just, you're speed dating for a few months to find your bestie, is really what it comes down to.

And eventually you'll find your people there, but it, it might take you a little while and that's okay. I love 

Dori Durbin: the idea of the mission, small talk, and then shifting over to, um, actually reaching and exploring the people there, I guess is what is running through my head. Yeah, [00:25:00] because really, like, I think, and I, I'm just guessing Becky, so correct me for sure if I'm wrong, but if you're already anxious going into school, you're gonna stay in your little bubble that worked back home.

Yeah. And that little bubble is broken, so then your little bubble becomes your room or your library, or wherever your safety event is. And then you probably aren't gonna talk to anybody. 

Becky Funk: No. Yeah. You hear so often of like, my kid won't even leave her room. You know, I, she's not going out because it's not a safe place.

You know, our bodies, our brains are always working to keep us safe. We tell it what is safe. And when you have anxiety, you just, you make your bubble very, very, very small so that it becomes your dorm room and taking a step out of your dorm room can feel unsafe. So helping them peel back all the layers of that anxiety, onion, you know, so the world feels a little safer by the time they leave is, is really helpful.

Dori Durbin: Okay. So, you know, I'm a children's book author and illustrator. Yeah. And I love to help people make stories. So. One [00:26:00] of the main reasons I do that is because I like the idea of generational change over a long time. 

Becky Funk: Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: You are doing that as well. And so one of the questions I have for you is what do you hope the long-term impact of what you're doing will be for teens and their families? 

Becky Funk: Yeah. I think that I want them to. Live harmoniously together.

Like if we're talking, the impact of short term while the teens are still at home is I want them to have a healthy, thriving, fun relationship. Not the typical, it's always like, Ooh, yeah, you got teenagers. Good luck with the next, few years. But I want it, it doesn't have to be that way, you know?

I want you to enjoy that time and for it to be great before they fly, you know? Fly the nest and, and leave the house. Long term. I want these, these teens to be like. Thriving adults that aren't gonna spend their first 20 years. [00:27:00] I always say 20 years. 'cause for me it was 20 years, you know, of adulthood trying to get a hold on their anxiety, but to know that they are worthy of taking up space.

That their voice is important. So whatever job they're in, you know, and they're sitting around the, the conference table, they feel confident speaking their mind. They know how to have those conversations and they aren't just getting looked over, but because the world needs their voice. So that's like the long legacy I think that I wanna leave is like people that aren't afraid to go out into the world and spread love and kindness and you know, and stand up for themselves.

Dori Durbin: I love that. It's what every parent wishes they could give their child as a gift. Yeah. Okay. I hate to say it, but we're getting close to the end of our time. And so one thing I definitely want to do before we go is to have you tell the listeners where to find you. What else they should be doing to be able to contact you. 

Becky Funk: Cool. Yeah. I, [00:28:00] my, on Instagram, my handle is Becky Funk Coaching. So come give me a follow, shoot me a DM and let me know where you found me. 'cause I love to talk to people in the dms and just hear what's going on in their life. I also have a website the becky funk.com and you can check out my resources.

I have some free resources on there for parents and my services are also listed in there. Um, and there's a contact me. Paige you can contact me through the website too. Awesome. Okay. Do you have time 

Dori Durbin: for one last question before we go? Yeah, I do. Okay. So, if a parent who is listening today remembers just one thing from this whole conversation, what do you hope that one thing is?

Becky Funk: Communication is key. Communication is key. Talking to your teens, and I didn't say this, but what I wanna add to that is letting them know where you failed, like letting them see you stumble and how you overcome it, because that's. How they learn at this age, [00:29:00] is not so much by being told, but by watching.

So communication and protecting the relationship at all costs is, is gonna bring that harmony to your household. 

Dori Durbin: Love it. Great advice. Becky, you are amazing. I think people are silly not to reach out to you if they're struggling right now. Um, I really feel like it's so crucial, like I said, having older kids.

I am grateful for taking the time just to pause and figure it out a little bit better. So, yeah. Yeah. Awesome. So thank you again and thank you for listening to, that's good parenting