[00:00:00.810] - Dori Durbin
Hello and welcome to the Power of Kids Books where we believe that books are a catalyst to inspire and empower change. I'm your host, Dori Durbin. When it comes to giving something to your kids, probably the word no is the toughest thing to give. And that's because we have a heart that wants our kids to love us and to feel confident with us. And saying no feels hard, but it's essential. I'd like to introduce our next guest. She's a life and business transformation coach. She's a single mom who has raised her son into his 30s as a successful and confident adult. She'll be the first to tell you that parents shouldn't be friends with their kids and that you need some firm boundaries. I hope you enjoy our conversation. That really is two moms conversing about kids life and how things work. Welcome to the show. Life and Business Transformation Coach, as well as Mama Danielle Schweiger Being a single.

[00:01:04.540] - Daniela Schweiger
As a single Mom, I thought I have to work, I have to bring money and all the stuff and I forgot to take care about myself and I was a perfectionist. And so I say I need to do this, this. And one day I just felt oh, my so much. I get gastritis first. That was the first step. And what we do go to the doctor. I'm a psychologist and therapist too. Give me something there because I have some struggles there and he said you should do something. No, come on, give me that. I don't have time for anything else. I need to do this. And unfortunately I get ulcer and my stomach broke twice in two places.

[00:01:50.690] - Daniela Schweiger
I don't felt the pain. You only say when you have gastric. Is the other one no. So one day being in the court, the accusate whom I was defending because I am a lawyer too, he was happy because I just fell down. Bone done. Yes. The doctor comes and say oh, my gosh. And then it's lucky that he watch in my eyes and say, oh, she got ulcer, she's broke, she's done. So I listen when the doctor say you are dying and that's it. I wake up after seven days.

[00:02:27.730] - Dori Durbin
My goodness. Yeah.

[00:02:29.570] - Daniela Schweiger
And I have to tell you something. Everyone is saying when you have problems in your marriage or with your parent, they say, oh, I stay because of kids. Everyone can say it's only because you don't like to be alone. That is the only thing really if I will go back, definitely my help using me. Me first. Because if you are not good, your kid is not good. My son, he was in domestic violence. Show me in these problems and this he was not traumatized. In Austria after divorce, you are forced to go to psychology therapist to see if your kid is traumatized because it's important. So the doctor say to me, I don't know what's happened. Just your kid is zero traumatized. Thank you. I try my best. I do my best. If his father do something, I just say that it's not about you, it's about me. And then I get in coma and. He gets traumatized from it.

[00:03:28.920] - Daniela Schweiger
He was afraid to lose me. And when I wake up from coma, my doctor, my colleague, my ex boss, it's a friend of mine, he said to me I want to ask you something. Then I was like okay, what the heck you want to ask me? Because I just wake up from it was a tunnel, black tunnel at the end of light. Such a wonderful light. I was like flashed. My face was in the light and one way say you are not done. In that moment I opened the eyes.

[00:04:02.270] - Dori Durbin
Wow.

[00:04:03.060] - Daniela Schweiger
And since then, definitely I am so spiritual. Just definitely. I do listen more to my gut, my instinct, to my feelings. So he said to me what is the most important thing for you? Do you have kids?

[00:04:17.890] - Dori Durbin
I do.

[00:04:18.900] - Daniela Schweiger
I don't know how you reacted. Just I say my kid, my son. And that was wrong. He say Daniela, you have two degrees, you have four different careers. You are working in diplomacy, in the war, in Syria, all these countries, you speak ten languages. You are the most intelligent woman that I ever met and you're still stupid. I swear I get so mad and so angry I could explode like atomic bomb or something like that. And you say before you say something or before you kill me, let me make a next question. And I was like if you are dead, you don't wake up. Who will take care about your son? I swear dori. That was like chuck. And I say thank you for kicking my to understand how important I am. That was 26 November 2005 was my new birth, my new things. And since then I am always first and then the rest. And that make me a great mother with a fantastic young man who say to me mom, I want to say thank you that you never wanted to be my friend. Always. You was the mother and you gave me something that no one can give you love.

[00:05:42.160] - Daniela Schweiger
And I was not all the time with him home because I was to work. I have to work a single month. I had more income than he and I have to pay him and we have to stay in the same apartment because it was for two people. And I choose to move. You want to save something, then you have to move. Now we are friends over ten years. We are friends. Our son is not friend with him. He don't talk to him. And this will be something that maybe it's interesting for the people. No matter how hard it was your relationship, no matter how bad you felt, no matter how much hate do you have, you stop to talk about the other part. Never talk about my ex husband bad. I always say it's your father. You have to respect it. You have to do this and this. Listen, until you are underage, I would love that you respect what I'm asking you to do. If not, okay, just my ex husband, if he will not mess with this, he will be no friend with my son, with our son, because we have a great relationship with the ex family.

[00:06:57.560] - Daniela Schweiger
I have a great relationship with his family. My son, also our son. And the only person with whom he don't talk is his own father. He said to me, mom, listen, he have to apologize. He apologized. No, he have to apologize to you. I say, Listen, how many times I told you what is between me and your father? It's not about you because we love you both. And he said, if someone speaks about my mom attack, my mom is attacking me. And I say, oh, my gosh, please don't do that. And this is like very important. I am talking to you. A long time ago, ten years ago, I started to write a book about how to handle this single mom, a professional sport person and these emotions that come in between. And I start again to work on that book. So I want to say thank you for that. Yay.

[00:07:52.450] - Dori Durbin
That's awesome.

[00:07:53.830] - Daniela Schweiger
Many of people ask me, Daniela, you wasn't domestic violence and your relationship was not like anyone else. You not only was in domestic violence, you get cheat on the divorce, you get the gun on your head. That was like over the place. He played Russian roulette with my head.

[00:08:10.130] - Dori Durbin
Oh, my Goodness.

[00:08:11.070] - Daniela Schweiger
And you never say something bad about that guy. I say, Listen, I will teach you a lesson. That guy is the father of my kid. How I can talk about him like that? And I have to say Los Angeles, Hollywood Hills in 2017 when I was visiting my son, and 2018 again, we walk on these hills.

[00:08:37.880] - Daniela Schweiger
And you see me. I am a triple tsunami energy. I am 55 and people think I'm 20 because I have so much energy. I always was. No, I lie. Since I survived the comma, I get back to be me because I was lost in marriage and all the situation I choose back me. And my son said to me, mom, this is the long way. And this is like, it's hard. Let us go

[00:09:11.430] - Daniela Schweiger
And I was like, do you want to tell your mom is old? And he was, no, let's go. Yes. And we had such a great thing. And I used to pause, I used to make videos and I share with the world. And I will come to the point. My son asked me to say to me, mom, you should let go. I say what? I should let go.

[00:09:42.910] - Daniela Schweiger
Have any problem with him. Oh, yes, you have. I was like, do you want to teach me what I have to do? Okay. And we build a house. I built a house, €1.5 million. That is like over $2 million. In cost of so I don't have anything from that house. He's living with his new wife. And my son said to me, mom, you get angry when we talk about the house. You were like I said, I'm angry.

[00:10:15.990] - Daniela Schweiger
No, I am not. I swear. When I see my son and when I talk to my son, I see my mirror on the way I should be always. And then he said, I want you to scream here on the hills, on the Hollywood Hills. I forgive you. I let you go. I don't care anymore. You are no more my boss. I was like, he never was my boss. I say, mom, do it. And you know why he asked me that? Because I always talk to him. I say, if you let anger and disappointment to be always here, these people or that one special always will be your boss. And he took it and use it with me after we do this. And he said to me this, I want to ask you a question. Please don't get mad on me. Okay, no problem. Why did you choose this idiot to be your husband? When a kid asks you that, then you start to think. I was like, no. Thinking nothing. I watch him and I say, Listen, you will think your mom is stupid, crazy, whatever you think if I go back, I will choose the same man.

[00:11:34.990] - Daniela Schweiger
And you are like, Why? Because I want you as my child. And he was like, mom, you will get another one. No, I want you another man. I don't get you. So I want forever from today and forever that you never think about this. I don't care what the people think. Say I go back. I choose the same man because I want you, you as my son. And that moment was like when my son start to laugh, hug me, and I have to tell you something. He say it's first time when we do holiday without pressure, because he was not playing tennis anymore. So I don't need to work so much. I have a communication, a better communication with him. And we have, since he was 15, a great relationship. Just every time I started to work on the relationship, let's do more. Let's do better. Because I think the people, the parents forgot something very important. That kid is not your property. It's not your property. Will never be. And if the kid is your kid yes. You have to take responsibility until he's underage. Yes, just you cannot take the kid and leave your dreams and goals using that kid, because that kid have own personality.

[00:13:16.610] - Daniela Schweiger
He wants to be something that you don't make sense. And it's like everyone asks me, Daniela, I would love to have a guidance. I say, Are you sure? Because I am strict in guidance. I don't accept excuses. And when I find something because granted, when kids are small, you don't watch TV, you don't go this he was 16. I granted him because I gave him a phone. There was that time BlackBerry, the best phone we don't have. What up, fee, whatever. And I told him 10:00 P.m. You're at home, you can go to birthday party to your friend. 10:00 P.m., you're at home because you're still underage. And he said, yeah, I'm sure you listen this kind. Sometimes they can yeah, yes, ma'am

[00:14:12.050] - Daniela Schweiger
I was like, Listen, I am repeating you. You're not at home at 10:00 P.m. 1020, I will pick you up and I will find you. Trust me, mom. Yeah, okay. 10:00 p.m., he is not home. We had SMS, I called, he don't pick up SMS. I took the car less than 20 minutes. I found him. Yeah, working in the government, you know everything pretty fast. Yeah. And maybe other parents will react differently because 16, it's already like, yeah, young adults or whatever. I was not like that, a single mom. I always wanted my son to be great because I thought, I am great. And it's okay like this. So I pick him up, the parents of the other kid, they start to say to me, oh, you know, they're young kids. And I say, Listen, don't teach me how. I have to raise my kid. Check on yours and then teach me after. Yours is perfect. And to my son, I say, Move your ass now. Sit in the car, we talk home. I don't put nothing. And my son know me. If I explode, he know it's not so dangerous. If I don't talk, then you have to take a test.

[00:15:35.800] - Daniela Schweiger
We go home. I say? Your phone, PlayStation, everything. No TV, nothing. You go to school, home, school, home and tennis, nothing. And he was like, Mom, I do have a tournament in the weekend. Oh, that is not my problem. That is your responsibility. You should not lie to me. One week that coach calls the club, calls everyone, daniela, we will lose without him. I don't care. He needs to learn. Every decision that he do, every choice that he make have consequences. And he gets mad because I don't like him. Tennis, the phone, the PlayStation, and it was no problem. Tennis, because he was playing 6 hours a day, because he wanted to be a professional, not like hobby. And then he said to me, oh, I hate to go to my father. I said, oh, fantastic. No problem. It was like killing me. Just I don't show him. I say, okay, come on, we pack, we go. Then he was like, do you want me to go? I say, oh, not me. You just ask that we go. I think it's fantastic because so you will have a better relationship with your father. And you say, I don't go anywhere good after three days.

[00:16:54.070] - Daniela Schweiger
Mom, I want to apologize. And I was listening, I said, for what?

[00:16:59.200] - Daniela Schweiger
I said, okay, no problem, go. I said, until you don't understand why this happened, you cannot talk with me like that. And I really was hurting my heart because if you see my son, you will say, oh my gosh, how she could not talk with that kid. After two days he comes because he saw there is no solution for me and he say, Mom, I would like to apologize that I liked you, that I was not I just watch and say congratulations. Now you understand why you get granted, why your choices, it's your responsibility and what you choose, what you decide, it bring consequences. So I accept your excuses and apologies and I want to say I am proud of you because you understood. And he was like hug me and say, can I go play tennis? No.

[00:18:05.370] - Dori Durbin
Your time's not up yet, right?

[00:18:07.130] - Daniela Schweiger
No, seven days, one week. So he said, okay, since then, my son never lied to me, never wasn't punctured, never something he said in front. And you know what? Now is he's 33 years old, I don't know how many times. He always say mom, I am so proud to be your son. And you know what? He was a very strict mother. When I grow up, I understood that you are the real mother, not these moms. They are trying to be friends with their kids and this has make me strong with this because I think I have done a great job as a mother, single mom. And listen, my job was like 24 hours, seven working the government. You cannot just choose. My phone was like and everyone said.

[00:18:57.940] - Daniela Schweiger
Your son is alone at home and he don't do anything. He knows what is. If he choose something, he have consequences. And the people say to me, no, that is something better there. Okay, listen, I keep my word. I never promise if I don't keep it. And if he was like 1213 years old when he said to me, mom, do you know the kids started to drink, to smoke?

[00:19:27.610] - Daniela Schweiger
Your mom that smoke, drink, you can come home and tell me mom, I am starting this until you don't see me. I don't want to listen that. And he said, okay, no, he's 33 years old, never smoke, never drunk, alcohol, no drug. Our kids reflect us not how we are, like our personality. They copy what we do and they put it in different way, just it's our way. So we need to fill the steps of the shoes so good that that kid when his adult do better because you don't want to be less. It was not easy for me as a parent it was hard. And my ex husband called me last.

[00:20:11.160] - Daniela Schweiger
Me to talk to my son. I say I always was helping you, you don't use it. So he don't pick up my phone. You need to write him a letter. He is not these kids pick up the phone and it's everything done. No, this is someone who is an adult. He is adult, he have own personality. It's not me because you see, I talk to you, I don't care. It's like depend how you talk with the kids. No matter how old they are, they are still your kids and you have to be my place is telling you be the wall. And mostly of parents they exchange the role when they keep going like growing up. And my customers say to me I am the best friend with my daughter. And I was like you don't have friends? Oh yeah, just my daughter is my best friend. Really? And I am the best friend of my daughter. I was like tell me about this craziness. Are you desperate or what? Your daughter has to be free from you how she will grow up and you have to be the mother. That means the mother is not friend with the kid.

[00:21:23.370] - Daniela Schweiger
And my country is telling you if you want to be friend with your kids, bring them to orphanage because they are already orphan.

[00:21:30.770] - Dori Durbin
Wow.

[00:21:31.460] - Daniela Schweiger
Yes. Why is that? Because when they are kids you need to put rules, you need to give limits and when you grant them, then you have to keep your word not you go oh honey, let us go ice cream. No, you have one week. One week you say today is two days, you cannot break your word. And when I see these books for the kids, I will appreciate if the parents will be honest with what they say there. Because you cannot just say you are not good enough like that because go back, go back in your childhood. I listen from my mom 100,000 times, I am not good enough. And because I am a woman I am not worthy because a man is more worthy. My whole life and I try it my whole life until I was teenager to fit in her dreams I get customers, they come to me first, the kids and they bring the parent like 95% when they come they say I have this kind of life because of my parents. I listen because you have to listen and you have to hear what they say. I give them time to talk and then I say okay, how old are you now?

[00:22:47.700] - Daniela Schweiger
35 okay, so that means with in Europe 18 you are adult. So with 18 you have to take responsibilities for your own life. And I say Americans have 21 so let us take 21 21 and certified or 14 years. So why do you blame your parents this last 14 years. It's your responsibility. Oh, you don't know traumas and all the stuff. And they always say my mom or my dad tried to be my friend. I could not talk with them like a parent. My mom was with me in disco and in the party and I was like oh gosh, okay, so bring your parent here. This is very important what I learned on this. If I will not be a mother, I will not understand. This is very important lesson for everyone. I will never listen to someone that don't have kids to teach me how to raise my kids. Because you don't know you cannot learn that. It's not like we are now on the zoom and we learn. I explained to you this kind of stuff and maybe you have an idea I can do another book and do this and do that raising kids, you need to know this is like someone who is broke want to teach me to be millionaire.

[00:24:11.950] - Daniela Schweiger
I am like going crazy when I see this kind of stuff. And in Europe we have a lot of these wannabes, you know, it's good to take to copy Americans, just at least copy the right one. Not that they are not good. And you have a lot I learned it from Tony Robbins coaching. I am now with Brendan Busha cardone. Grand cardone is about selling and I love that. I will never go to students when I have the master there. Because you cannot just copy something. You have to be too. And you want to teach kids. How do you teach kids? Real world. Not this literally. When you don't have a kid. Definitely you forgot the time when you was a kid. Everyone forget that. When you get a kid, then you relieve it again. That childhood. And then you see okay, that was my mom. Oh gosh, let me check how to change it. That was my dad. And it is like the girlfriend of my son told me this daniela, I never saw someone like you. You support your kids for whatever he do. You always come and say listen, next time you can do this better.

[00:25:29.720] - Daniela Schweiger
I'm sure. I am proud of you. My door is open always you need something, I'm here for you. You don't come here and say do this, do that. I say oh, why should I do that? How old are you? It's just like let go. Maybe you have some outpours there. They could as parents to make a guidance kid parent to say hey, and this age you have to stop to be babysitting your kid. Because they have to be an adult, a real adult, not this kind of babysitting adult. Bad expert on this. How is possible that we have such a modern world with so much tech, with so much freedom? Because we have a lot of freedom and 55 and I know 30 years ago it was not so much freedom. It was better because we could pick out what we think today. We can. You get stop. So how it's possible that these young kids are so aggressive and so violent?

[00:26:33.150] - Dori Durbin
I think it goes back to what you were saying with the parents. I think the parents want to be friends. It's too hard for them to say no. They don't have a lot of respect from their kids. And I think it continues as they get older. There's no respect for anyone, not themselves, not anyone else. And so to make sort of a statement for themselves, sometimes they go to that other extreme.

[00:26:58.430] - Daniela Schweiger
I do appreciate that honest statement you gave me. And if you was a teacher or you are a teacher, I will give you something from my friend. She's a professor she worked with 14 to 18.

[00:27:13.600] - Daniela Schweiger
And last week we had a chat because I am coaching her. I help her because she mentally is almost broke. And I start to work with her because she needs my help.

[00:27:28.290] - Daniela Schweiger
Biggest challenge in the school right now? And she said, Daniela, this 1416 years old are horrible because the parents are coming and say my kid want to be this, let him be. And my kid is good. You are not good teacher. And for me that is like no, go your kid, it's not perfect. My son was in the school, he used to complain about the teacher. I say oh, really? Do you think the teacher have a reason to say that or to punish your mom? Because I'm foreigner and without that he knows I go to school and talk to the teacher. I don't put my son on the throne to show him oh, you are powerful. No, because the teacher for me is someone who invests time, get a lot of years to learn something. And the teachers say to me you are only one of the small number of parents that don't come here to kill us. I say why should I?

[00:28:33.240] - Daniela Schweiger
It's important to respect. If you want respect, you have to give first.

[00:28:38.420] - Dori Durbin
The whole point of even, just even this podcast is to help parents to know about what is it that their kids really need earlier in life to succeed later. And I think when you're 30 and you're trying to backtrack and pick up the self help books to figure out what happened, that's almost tragic. Earlier in life, they can have tools. Would you agree?

[00:29:01.810] - Daniela Schweiger
Oh, yes. You need to do this before they get in teenager age. With teenager, you already are locked because teenager is the worst part of the life. And I have to tell you something. I'm so grateful that I have a son and not a girl. Because me as a girl teenager was awful. And I'm grateful, thank you, God, that I get a boy because I had to get the kid to understand and my mom was talking like this. You will understand when you were a mom. And I was like, yeah, I will be better mom than you ever was. Oh, yes. Then he thought that you got to be overprotective to work on myself as a mother. Because being a mother or being a father, you are not expert. And I start to ask my mother in law, because my mother in law was a great teacher for me. And she always say, make put limits, do this, do that. And I was like, okay. It was not easy because you love your kid to say no and to show him no matter how much he's screaming, crying and begging, you stay with that no.

[00:30:18.140] - Daniela Schweiger
To understand, here are the limits. No more. Because if you don't put the limits, you make them worse. As an adult, mostly of my clients, they come because they don't have never a limit. And they say to me, daniela, if my mom will stop me, she is fault that I don't succeed. No, she was fault. Yes, you got to be an adult. Stop to complain, stop these pity parties and do better. It's your responsibility now. Yes, but how can I do this? Oh, no problem. I show you. I am not afraid to say no because it's my responsibility. Because the kids grow up and how much time, how many times we get that to hear, no, this is not this. And then we get like and you. Want that if you are not you don't know the limits. You don't have the boards. It's like hurting more.

[00:31:18.970] - Daniela Schweiger
And you get depressed, you get anxiety, all the problems, because you don't have the limits as a child. And for you, when someone say no, then you say, oh, she or he don't like me. It's not she or he don't like me. In that moment, it's not possible. So you have to understand, just if you grow up with everything, it's simple. Be the mother. Don't be the friend. With the friend, you fight, you say you are not good with a parent, you don't do that. The parent is the boss. If it's underage kids, it's your responsibility for everything they do. My son told me one thing because I asked him I needed to make a task for Tony Robbins and I say. What are the three things you love about your mom?

[00:32:25.230] - Daniela Schweiger
And he say, oh, she's punctual. And he starts I say, Three. And now is the next question. What are the three things you don't like about your mom? He was like, mom, you should ask me this when I was 16. I was like, okay, so we assume you are 16. Oh, you was controlling. Just I have to tell you something. You teach me, you show me. And because of that, I am so good now. And he always say to me, I am grateful that you never tried to be my friend. When I. Was a kid because as an adult.

[00:33:19.770] - Daniela Schweiger
I understood how big is your love. When he was in Tarantino, they make an interview with him. It wasn't some journal, there some whatever. And then I come 2018, they pick me up, make a party and make an interview and at the end of the inter say and now we want to interview the Wonder Woman who create this wonder Kids. And I was like, no. And they say no. To have this kind of young men definitely have to be a strong mother behind a mother who invest a lot, who put a lot of energy and we listen that you rate him alone. I said yes, so we want to give you credit for that. I say this is his part, not mine. It's very important. My son said to me mom, you are part of my life, so please. I said okay.

[00:34:23.970] - Daniela Schweiger
And guess what? I am talking when it's about talk about him, about my work. When I was taught, they asked me what was this? And I was like yeah, you don't like to give credit to your I say Listen, I have done what was my. I consider it. It's my responsibility that every mother should do. Because to be a mother you have to say no. You have to put limits and that is painful. Every master once was a disaster. No one is born with degrees, with whatever is there, everyone learns. And I would love to be a part of life of the kids that they understand. When the parents say no, it's not because they don't love her. Because they love her and they show them that it's okay. Because as an adult you will get a lot of no's. And I think this is my legacy when I see parents with kids, the kid is the future adult. The kid is kid until he's 1821 max and then it's forever adult until he die. So your way to act, your way. To race, to talk, it's reflected in that adults later, if someone would love to know more, no problem. My mission is to help them to understand how important is this parent. You are not just a parent. You are the creator of the future of that kid with not forgetting.

[00:36:08.370] - Dori Durbin
That's very important for people to understand. Are you okay with them approaching you or emailing you?

[00:36:14.960] - Daniela Schweiger
For sure you can email me, you can Instagram messenger, no matter. I am on LinkedIn too. It will be a pleasure and it's an honor to talk to you here.

[00:36:26.880] - Dori Durbin
Thank you so much for your time and I just have loved meeting you, Daniella.

[00:36:31.920] - Daniela Schweiger
I love meeting you too. Thank you for inviting me.

[00:36:35.320] - Dori Durbin
Thank you.

[00:36:35.920] - Daniela Schweiger
You too. Thank you.