[00:00:00.970] - Dori Durbin
Hello. Welcome to The Power of Kids Book Podcast, where we believe that books are a catalyst to inspire and empower kids. I'm your host, Dori Durbin. And today we have an honor experts edition. Someone who is meant to keep your kids in that joy filled, unlimited potential that they have with their true greatness within. I'd like to welcome Solutions key online technology virtual assistant and author Juan Arroyo to the podcast. Welcome, Juan.

[00:00:32.000] - Juan Arroyo
Hello. Hello. Thank you for the intro. That's a good one. I like that one.

[00:00:36.220] - Dori Durbin
Well, thank you. You're definitely a jack of all trades, for sure. So I think you should tell us a little bit about what you do.

[00:00:44.350] - Juan Arroyo
What do I do? I think I usually answer that with what do I not do? I would say my schooling. So my schooling is actuarial science and that's something that's not very known out there. But what that is, you can Google it, of course, but to me what it is, it's a merge of math, statistics, probabilities and some finance in there. And all we are doing is trying to put value to things that don't generally have a fixed price or a fixed value. So risk is one of the terms that we use. And that's what I learned by schooling how to do just because I was good with math. And my mom said, hey, I know some people in the insurance industry, maybe you should do this. And I said, well, that sounds different, I'm just going to go do that. And that's just part of that story is in my book, The Greater Hussein Within. So that's part of it. And then what I've actually discovered later on is that I'm just good at many different things. So I got good at doing tools or anything with technology related things. I learned them very well, so I started teaching them and then currently I just help people with different things related to online businesses.

[00:02:00.090] - Juan Arroyo
So that could be some copywriting redesign of websites, integrating tools. I do some sometimes I do image editing, like not anything fancy, but I will do video and image editing. So there are all kinds of different tools I just got into and that's kind of what I've been doing on the side by accident and looking to expand that. Well, we shall see how that business looks. I'm still not sure how it will look like because I also like my passion on the life. Coaching could be one way to describe it specifically, it's just really me or you creating life based on who I am. It's just unique to me, not to what society says it should be. And that's hard, which we can get into that in the conversation. But yes, that's where I'm at at this point in this journey so far.

[00:02:59.130] - Dori Durbin
And we were chatting before the podcast started and you have one book that's published, but you have two that are kind of in the middle of publication as well. And they're all kind of on the similar related themes, I would say.

[00:03:14.400] - Juan Arroyo
So I think they just take a different perspective. So the first one greatness within which is the published one, I only did it because I wanted to put in paper how I approach life from a I don't know if I could say tactical is not right, but it's just more the practical way I do it. And that's where I drop the five things that I tend to do in almost everything that I do lifewise. So there's the challenge, everything, specifically everything I know. So that would be things like what I think about myself, what I think about the world, everybody else. Then it falls into, okay, once I challenge it, what do I do? What do I do? Because I have blind slate. So now I need to discover who am I, what is mine, and what do I want to do then after that, it's okay. Once I know, okay, I need to go do it. Like I need to express. So it's claimed your space. Once you start claiming your space, you get your critics. So you have to learn how to filter that. So I go through that process. And lastly, it's not really a step, but it's just more like an attitude, which is welcoming the journey.

[00:04:25.050] - Juan Arroyo
And it's just understanding that it's not a goal, it's an adventure. It's just an always continuing process. What I found from that book, though, is that as I started writing it, I was writing what I really wanted to say. And somewhere in the middle of the book, I started doubting myself in a way, because I started thinking, is anyone going to read this? This seems to be valuable for somebody, so I need to go put some exercises in there. And it became like a mix of different things. And I said, I published the book. That's awesome. I don't think I wrote the book that I wanted to write. So a year later, I kind of said, okay, let me rewrite it, and I start rewriting it. It became a whole different book. And that book. I'm calling it Joy. That is enjoy the journey of you. And the idea behind that was actually the same five steps that I mentioned before, but it came more from more like a mindset spiritual perspective. So it was more around, okay, how does Joy show up in each of these stages? And then what is the journey I take in each of these stages?

[00:05:40.580] - Juan Arroyo
And that's what I started recording. And at some point I said, I'm still simmering through some of this because this is a journey. It was very fresh, so I kind of have it on hold. And then from that one became I kind of just took it a different perspective. And this is more on teens, and it doesn't touch on the same concepts, but it is a mindset approach to it. It's not the usual, here's how you deal with depression, here's how you deal with bullying, here's how you deal with college anxiety and all these things. It really becomes more around what is the experience you're creating for yourself in each of these issues? And that's what I'm kind of just putting down on paper, because these are things that I would like to know about life before I started adulting is how they call it now. Yeah. Before I started college, this would have been very useful to know. And there are things that I don't necessarily think people are talking about a lot or at all. I don't know. I haven't seen anybody talk about the same things I want to talk about. So it's going to be interesting where this journey goes from here.

[00:06:52.930] - Dori Durbin

I think if I step back and just look at your process right now, you're really living what you're talking about because you're diving deep. You're finding out you're enjoying the journey of creating. And for a lot of people, they feel like they have to produce something that's perfect and get it out there as soon as they can. But what you're going through is actually a real honest to goodness writing experience where you're really living what you're trying to create and trying to create what you live. And so I think in that respect, it's very admirable the way that you're approaching this.

[00:07:29.470] - Juan Arroyo

Yeah, thank you for noticing. I haven't thought about it that way, but it is true. And I do wrestle with the idea that, oh, if you're going to publish something, it better be polished, it better be great or good, and then I also go back and say, no, sure, that's a good warning. But at the end of the day, I sometimes think we publish things that are way too polished and it doesn't seem real anymore. And anyone can just copy paste stuff from anyone else's books and come up with theories and put them in their books. And it sounds all great because there's research around it, but I'm more like, okay, what is your journey through that and what are you learning from it? Not just regurgitating knowledge, because we all know everything out there is already known. Technically, I'm not going to say anything new, but I can say in a different way that helps somebody look at it differently and maybe send them in a different direction altogether when they say.

[00:08:36.600] - Dori Durbin

Too, that your own voice is going to attract certain people and those people that are meant to hear it. So, yeah, like you're saying, your experience of the same events is going to be completely unique. So you had me really curious. You said this was material that you wish you had before you started adulting. So can you give us a little bit of an example of what you mean?

[00:09:00.030] - Juan Arroyo

Yeah, the first chapter of the book, at least the first thing I wrote down was it's okay? How do they name it? I title this. I'm like it's. Okay. You don't have to know all the answers. I'm not sure since I come from a different country and a different culture, but for me, adulthood was at 18. So 18 in Panama, where I'm from, you could drink, you could drive without permissions or a permit or somebody looking at you. You could do different things at 18. So as we are raised, or at least as I was raised, I tended to absorb this idea that since high school ended at 18 or 17, and there was also this societal reinforcement that 18 became, you're an adult now. You go to trial as an adult. I kind of assumed that that became, oh, I become an adult at 18, and that means the adult has to know all the answers. And I had to learn I guess I had to go through a decade or so of live experience to realize, oh, there are 60 year old people that have no idea what they want to do with their lives, and they essentially got there by pure luck.

[00:10:27.190] - Juan Arroyo

And then I realized, oh, I don't have to have all the answers because obviously I've done well so far without knowing all the answers, but nobody ever told me that. So I put a lot of pressure on, oh, I need to know what I need to study in college. I need to know what my profession is going to be. I need to know where I want to live, what my wife is going to be like, how many children I want. And all these questions that seem totally absurd now, but I'm sure they're still real these days, and maybe even so earlier now, because the world has changed a little bit on that scene, but that's one of the ones. What else did I talk about? I talk about college, and I have a different perspective on college, and I don't necessarily think everyone should go to college. I don't think anyone should go to college if they don't know what they want. So I approach that from a perspective. Okay, if you're going to go first, I need to address you don't need to stress about making it to college. That's one and then the next one is if you decide to go

[00:11:32.910] - Juan Arroyo

Here are some ways that are more useful to you than just getting the degree because you feel like you need the degree. Because the reality is, I had a degree in a profession that was relatively in high demand and very specialized, and I still had issues finding work. So if I'm in such a position that I should be okay, why am I still having issues finding a job? And I realize, oh, that's not all of it. There's more to do to that. So those are concepts that I never heard from anybody, and I don't know if I hear other people say it either. We can just assume. I think sometimes if you talk to adults, every adult I mentioned this book to, they go like, oh yeah, that makes sense. Well, why are you not talking about it with your kids?

[00:12:25.150] - Dori Durbin

It's funny. I have a high school senior, and I have a sophomore in college. And I think at least my first one, when he went into college, we said, okay, what's your major going to be? We tried to drill it down, and he's one of these that kind of also likes to explore. And he said, I'm not sure, and I will find out. And so we said, okay, go ahead and go to college. And then now my daughter is, like I said, a senior, and she is dialed in like tight. And we find ourselves telling her, take your time, find things out, learn something new. So it's funny how even with different kids or different situations as parents, you still feel like there has to be a right and a wrong when in actuality it's their experience. It's not my experience anymore. It's their experience to come out and feel like they know who they are 

[00:13:19.070] - Juan Arroyo

That's a good example of the differences between kids because some can figure out right away, like very early, okay, I think I'm going this way and that's the way they go. And even if they're wrong, they're so confident in it that it just works for them. And then there are others that they have no clue. And I think the problem comes in is when the parents try to force something or not just the parents, it's just the people around them. Oh, you don't know what you're going to study, what's going to be your major? You need a college degree because that's going to give you a job. It's like, no, you don't need a college degree. I guess most of the degrees nowadays that are out there will probably go away because technology has gotten so far. A lot of that stuff is just becoming obsolete now

[00:14:07.860] - Dori Durbin

Yeah, it's definitely a lot different, for sure. Do you think having a sense of self is also part of the decisions that the kids make if they're going in? There's some beliefs about themselves that might be stopping them from pursuing things or making decisions.

[00:14:26.390] - Juan Arroyo

Yeah, I guess the purpose statement I use these days how do I say it? I believe we not only have the right to control our lives, we deserve to create them. So I wake up every day seeking ways to help you or others create a life worthy of them or rediscover their capacity to create a life worthy of them. So I'm very passionate about self awareness and self knowledge because to me, it's like if you don't know yourself, I have no business trying to decide what my past should be because all I'm going to be doing is randomly picking something or choosing because somebody else that's an influence in my life decided that that should be the right way. So I just picked that because I don't know any better and I go with it and then it might go well. But for the most part, I think a lot of people start that path and they find themselves dissatisfied and they don't know why.

[00:15:38.430] - Dori Durbin

Yeah.

[00:15:39.550] - Juan Arroyo

And to me, I think it's usually because they don't know themselves well enough to know to make a decision either way.

[00:15:47.790] - Dori Durbin

So how would you direct parents to help their kids figure out how to know what their values or their abilities are that they should follow?

[00:15:59.010] - Juan Arroyo

Yeah, so one of the things, like I think I touched on the bogus for parents specifically, because that's one of the things I touched first. Now that I have a four year old now and I catch myself getting angry at something and it usually has to do with a belief that I have, she should be doing it this way because that's the way I think is the right way. So the first step for any parent is to stop assuming their answer is the right one. And that's simply because we're all different people. So if we believe that we're all unique, then that means that my way doesn't work for you and it doesn't work for anybody else. It may work, but it's not a guarantee. So I have to come from a place of, okay, I think I have one way to do it, I just don't know if it's going to be the best way. So I have to assume that all I can do is suggest something. But I cannot be expecting that they follow through with it because at the end of the day, what is the objective? The objective is for me as a parent, to develop a self sufficient individual.

[00:17:14.650] - Juan Arroyo

So there is a specific goal, but the way they get there doesn't have to be my way. And we have parents. As parents, I think we have to humble ourselves enough to understand that. And that's the tough part because we always think we have an answer. We're older, we're going through more, and we think our answer is the right one. That's human, I guess, but it's not necessarily the right thing. So those would be my points on that for sure.

[00:17:47.400] - Dori Durbin

It's so tough. It's so tough because you do have this parental protection sense that you're trying to save them from making the wrong decision or making a life altering negative decision. And really, in all honesty, it's them that have to make the decision and be okay with it. And you, like you said, give advice and kind of step back and let them take the step forward. And it's so hard. It is so hard. I agree.

[00:18:14.190] - Juan Arroyo

Yeah. I think the part that we miss especially because we're in that state, we're in focus on protecting them. I think the part we miss there is that if we're always keeping them in a bubble, they will never develop resilience, they'll never develop confidence because they don't get to do any. Everything's easy. And as soon as they encounter adversity, a challenge, something they don't know, it's going to be way too easy for them to just be heartbroken discourage and go through all these negative emotions that we hear about all the time. And that's usually because they're just being protected. We forget that our failures help us, or our challenges and failures helped us become who we are now. And we somehow take that away from our kids when we protect them too much

[00:19:06.910] - Dori Durbin

Do you think there's something that's common for kids who maybe don't go after their goals or their dreams? Are there like, common characteristics or common experiences that they've had that has caused them to doubt their ability to make some of those big decisions like that?

[00:19:23.750] - Juan Arroyo

Yeah, I don't know if there is a common thing. My observation would be that a lot of them bought into the idea that their value comes from external things. So from the approval of their parents, from how good I look on a picture or a post on how many likes I get or how much money I make. I think nowadays we're in such a fruitful period that we don't really have any worry and somehow we have so much free time that we just kept going with the oh. In order to be somebody, I need more things and I need more approval. And I think for the most part, I see that in a lot of them. They don't trust themselves enough, or they don't know what they like, dislike, what skills do they have, what have they learned? Unless somebody is liking their post or giving them an encouragement thing, they seem to track it all based on that, and that's just wrong. But society as a whole seems to be enabling that behavior for sure. It's everywhere for me, at least. I see it everywhere.

[00:20:46.440] - Dori Durbin

I feel like the older I get, the more I feel like there's less value in hard work and more value in quick access or quick rewards.

[00:20:56.350] - Juan Arroyo

Right, because everything's faster. But then I also think that's connected to this idea that since we're protecting people so much and it's been now two or three generations, so I guess since the 1950s. So those kids had a lot, and their heart labor wasn't as hard as before, so they have more freedom and it just keeps adding up. I think it's just piling now. Kids are born these days. They already have access to the Internet. They have electronics, they go to Starbucks. They don't have to do anything. You have Uber to drive them everywhere. You have babysitters, so they don't have to do anything. So why would as a human, I'm like, okay, if I'm raised with all these comfortable things, why would I value hard work? I don't need to. So what am I going to go to? I still need meaning. That's one of the principles I believe we always seek for meaning and a way to create. So if I'm not really being challenged, I'm just going to find another way to feel meaning. And that one way. It could be just popularity and all the things we hear about social media and how it works.

[00:22:23.060] - Juan Arroyo

Yeah. To me, I think it's just something that it's been adding up for it for a while. So some people say, what is it? Easy times make for weak men. In this instance, weak humans, and then weak humans create hard times. So there seems to be a cycle, and we're at the point where it's probably getting close to being it's time for a hard time to come, and we're kind of seeing it in a different way. But it's likely to happen soon because I see it everywhere. I see parents asking questions that I'm like, Are you dumb? How is it that you're letting your kid do these things? How is it that you're not ready to have a conversation about responsibilities, delegation, handling emotions and all these things? You're the parent. You're supposed to know these things. But I'm seeing it in groups where like, oh, my gosh, these parents are not prepared. Obviously their kids are going to be a mess, and it just adds up.

[00:23:31.090] - Dori Durbin

Yeah, I think the more the kids have freedom, the harder it is to rein that back. One thing that I know your book mentioned, and I think it ties in, you were talking about inner critics a little bit with that too. And I wonder sometimes as parents, we're worried about putting too much pressure on our kids because we didn't do it right or too much pressure on our kids because we don't want them to not be up where everybody else is. And so I'm just wondering, in general, are there a couple of pieces of advice that you would have for parents as far as how they can equip their kids so that they know that greatness within themselves and can continue to hang on to that as they get older?

[00:24:15.650] - Juan Arroyo

Yes. I think my biggest one of the ways I can summarize it is stop giving answers and start asking. So I think as parents, in the beginning, especially in the early stages, when the kid cannot critically think, they're just going with the flow, we tend to try to manipulate the surroundings. So we give an order, we expect them to follow it, and we kind of train them to do whatever we want. That's pretty much what is happening. But as the human evolves, they're trying to make sense of the world. And if we continue to pound on the carrot and the stick idea of parenting, where if you do as I say, you get a reward, if you do it, if you go against the rules, you're just going to be punished. And that doesn't work because you're putting more stress on the mind of a kid that's still trying to figure it out. But if you turn it around and ask rather than, we are going through a situation now with my daughter, he has a light ear infection, and I noticed my wife would say, Where does it hurt? As in assuming she is already in pain

[00:25:42.750] - Juan Arroyo

It's like, oh, it's interesting because we could be essentially inducing a specific response because they don't know what pain is, or they may not know what it is, it may not be painful, but they assign it, they attribute those things to it. So if you were to ask, okay, it looks like you're crying, you're whining. Does it something bother? And I asked her like three times, and she said, no, Donald, like, why are you whining then? And I'm sure there's something in there, but it wasn't pain. So the same way I cannot just see it. If you just ask, you look angry. What's going on? Or did something happen? Or you can simply say, I just want to hear it, like, share it with me. I'm not going to give you an answer or a solution. I don't really care. I just want to know what's happening. What issues are you having? What is the problem? What are the obstacles you see? What are you thinking about doing about it? And just allowing them to process the situation altogether and just letting them try things. I mean, if they're not going to do something that's going to kill them right away, then why not let them explore?

[00:26:59.110] - Juan Arroyo

And we tend to cut those things out very quickly. Yeah, I think stop giving answers, stop giving solutions, start asking questions, start asking them things, because chances are they'll figure it out if they have somebody to help them process through it. But at the end of the day, I think if we find a way to help the individual get through their solution, that's a lot more useful than giving them an answer.

[00:27:27.860] - Dori Durbin

Yeah, that definitely is a huge component of them being able to cope later in life with problems and not just shutting down or running to us to solve them. Yeah, I remember my son was probably about five or six, and we tease him now about this. We were trying to help him make a decision, and he knew more about the situation than we did, but we didn't realize it, and we didn't give him credit for he's five, he doesn't know. And he got so frustrated with us, and he looked at us and he said, I know stuff, and it shut us all down because we were like, oh, my word. We just romped all over his ability to make decisions based on what he knew and didn't even realize that we were doing that to him because we were in such a state of wanting to solve the problem. I think you're right. I think having that holding on to the sense that you can do things, that you can make decisions that seem like they probably are a big deal comes down to having practiced it first and knowing that you could take that risk and things would end up okay or you have to backtrack and fix things.

[00:28:32.050] - Juan Arroyo

Yeah. Yes. I mean, if you never allow them to think through their problems, when are they going to learn? I think we tend to assume that they're turning a certain age and they'll just know that just doesn't happen. It just never happens. They have to practice it and test it, fail doing it, but if they don't go through it, they'll never learn.

[00:28:56.170] - Dori Durbin

Agreed. We only have a couple of minutes left and I want people to know where to find you and approximately when you think your book is coming out.

[00:29:03.680] - Juan Arroyo

Yeah, so they can find me everywhere, I guess. Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn. I started TikTok. Now I think most of them are through one on one coaching. That's J-U-A-N-O-N-O-N-E coaching. And my book, I mean, I'm trying to release that soon, and hopefully by June I'll have something out and start talking about it. If anyone wants the chapter or read the chapters, they can go to oneononecoaching.com book draft and it should take them to a dropbox where whatever, the latest chapters are in there and they can read it freely. I'm not asking for emails or anything either

[00:29:45.900] - Dori Durbin

Okay, that's awesome. Well, thank you for your time today. This was great

[00:29:50.890] - Juan Arroyo
Yes, it was a good conversation. Thank you for having me. Absolutely.