[00:00:00] Stacie Boyar: I think we forget as parents what it's like to be a teen and how much stress is involved. Sometimes our teens do tend to exhibit behaviors that we don't like. But that's when they need the encouragement and love and hugs more than ever is when you're noticing that negative behavior

[00:00:17] Dori Durbin: there's ample evidence to show that the pressures on our kids' lives are only compounded by society, their parents, and their own personal expectations, especially for teens. So as parents, how can we better help our teams navigate social media? Tune into their own personal anxiety and use easy techniques to help them manage stress. The answers to this and more are coming up on this episode.

[00:00:46] Dori Durbin: Today's guest is a licensed mental health counselor who is also an author as well. Her book, you're not the boss of me tips, tricks, and tested techniques to tame the brain and keep anxiety away, includes techniques to help [00:01:00] teens who are struggling with anxiety. She also has a podcast and I love this name called Namaste Stacey.

[00:01:07] Dori Durbin: Welcome to the show. Stacey Boyer. 

[00:01:09] Stacie Boyar: Hi there. Thank you so much for having me. 

[00:01:12] Dori Durbin: Oh, thank you for taking the time to talk to our parents and especially when it comes to teens, because teen life is such a struggle for a lot of people. And it just makes sense that anxiety is like one of the big number one issues.

[00:01:27] Dori Durbin: So what really is a number one source of their anxiety as teens? 

[00:01:32] Stacie Boyar: Well, I think one of the good things possibly that came out of COVID is it destigmatized maybe going into therapy or talking about anxiety and what's going on. And I think with teens, it's interesting with teens because there's so much going on and their frontal lobes aren't totally developed yet.

[00:01:49] Stacie Boyar: So their thinking is much different maybe than ours. But the stressors are so many, whether it's an older teen getting into college the S. A. [00:02:00] T. Scores, what's going to happen in the future? Of course, friendships and the girl friendships and their boyfriends and all of that kind of stuff. Things that happen in school home life dealing with parents.

[00:02:14] Stacie Boyar: But the number one is really friendships. In the teenage years. So I would say that's kind of top.

[00:02:22] Dori Durbin: Yeah. And do you think it's actually the friendships that they have or the friendships that they don't have, which tends to pop out more? 

[00:02:29] Stacie Boyar: Yeah. And I think also looking at social media, for example.

[00:02:33] Stacie Boyar: So our teens now are on social media. They're looking at TikTok or Instagram or whatever it is. And they're seeing all these things going on, which of course we know isn't really real, but they view it as real. And this person's doing this and this person has so many friends and this person's getting invited here.

[00:02:49] Stacie Boyar: And this person's going away on this trip. And it is upsetting to them, even though it really isn't reality. So of course there are some great things with social media, [00:03:00] but then there's the other aspect of it too. 

[00:03:03] Dori Durbin: I was shocked. I was just recently allowed, quote unquote, to get onto Snapchat and I was shocked at the amount of information that is just on that one app. What you can access, what you see, how often people are snapping each other, who's your best friend, all of those things add to some of that stress too, don't they?

[00:03:22] Stacie Boyar: I would think so. And, all the verbiage I hear from teens is they left me unread and, it's all foreign to us or they did this or that, but that's all, causing anxiety potentially to teens for sure. And, and there are so many wonderful things having to do with social media, so I don't want to discount it completely, but it also causes an additional stress.

[00:03:43] Dori Durbin: So it's that perfect balance, right? That you have to find for your kids. Do You feel like parents have a decent grasp? As to how their kids are feeling, especially in terms of like their anxiety levels and what's going on in their lives. 

[00:03:58] Stacie Boyar: I think we forget as [00:04:00] parents, we forget what it's really like to be a teen and how much stress is really involved in the day to day, getting up, going to school, being stuck. As a matter of fact, I just had a client say, it's like jail, you're just stuck there all the time, 

[00:04:14] Stacie Boyar: going to school, having to be stuck in this place, having to walk through the same halls, having to deal with tests and quizzes and homework, and then having to deal with friends, and then having to deal with home life, and then having to deal with sports, and there's just so much and we forget. And sometimes our teens do tend to exhibit behaviors that we don't like.

[00:04:35] Stacie Boyar: Maybe they're angry or a little volatile or whatever it is. But lots of times that's when they need the encouragement and the love and the hugs more than ever is when you're noticing that negative behavior. So it's it's certainly a tough, tough stage. 

[00:04:50] Dori Durbin: Yeah. Do most teens tell their parents exactly what they're feeling?

[00:04:54] Stacie Boyar: I don't think they do. I think it's very rare for the most part that they, and that's why it is [00:05:00] so important to have a nice group of friends, because when you see teens with, that have nice friendships and they can share things and they feel comfortable with their group, because lots of times teens don't feel comfortable sharing everything with their parents.

[00:05:10] Stacie Boyar: And what I notice is when parents constantly question, which we all do, ask questions and questions and that almost. pushes them away more. So it's almost our job just to be there. And when they want to offer information, of course, inside, we're so excited, but just kind of, Oh it must be difficult what you're going through.

[00:05:27] Stacie Boyar: And I'm always here if you want to talk. But it seems as though when we pry and pull and question that kind of shuts them down even more. 

[00:05:37] Dori Durbin: That's such a hard concept as a parent, because, up to a certain point, we were able to ask questions and it was easy because it was like this natural conversation. And then as they get older, they're a little more protective and they want to have that independence. And you're right. The harder you poke the less you get, it's like the reverse of what you would 

[00:05:55] Stacie Boyar: And sometimes they don't want. Your [00:06:00] input, I guess, and advice and I think lots of times just saying, wow, that must be really hard or yeah, that's a difficult situation, even though we're biting our tongues, exudes more information from them. I find that even with couples counseling and I know we're not talking about that, but sometimes with couples and with family counseling and with teens just saying, okay.

[00:06:19] Stacie Boyar: Before we start this conversation, do you want advice or do you just want me to listen? And sometimes a teen will say, I do want advice at this point. And sometimes I'll just say, no, I just want to vent. I don't want to hear your nonsense. So sometimes starting with that question saves a lot of anxiety for everybody.

[00:06:36] Dori Durbin: I think that a lot of teens don't feel like they can say that, And I think that, and maybe it's just my area. Maybe it's just a Michigan thing, but I do feel like. Having a teen say, I just need you to listen would almost feel like you're usurping authority.

[00:06:51] Dori Durbin: You're telling an adult, I need space and it's just different. But I think it's really important because then it's addressing how they're [00:07:00] feeling and they just need that moment for somebody just to listen. Again, it's that in between being a kid and being an adult thing going on.

[00:07:06] Stacie Boyar: And that reminds me, what you say, they're on that precipice of being an adult and being a kid. And so they're in this hard middle area. So sometimes I could see how it would come off as being perhaps a little disrespectful, but maybe they really don't mean it that way. 

[00:07:20] Dori Durbin: All of those responsibilities that you crave as. A kid and you want to become an adult suddenly it feels different. It seems different. There's like this the anxiety, the fear of what am I giving up so that I can have this thing that I don't know? And so it's that in between that you forget about as adults. 

[00:07:39] Stacie Boyar: And I think before they go to college, I tend to see a lot of parents are issues with teens, I guess, older teens that they really are pushing away and they are exhibiting really real negative behaviors.

[00:07:51] Stacie Boyar: But the truth is that is developmentally appropriate because they are pushing away to, test the waters of adulthood. So that's completely normal [00:08:00] when, teens started. Don't act as you would want them to right before going away or going on a big endeavor like college. 

[00:08:08] Dori Durbin: Yeah, that's good for everybody to know for sure.

[00:08:11] Dori Durbin: So when it comes to anxiety, then with all of these different emotions that the teens are already dealing with, how does a parent recognize if it's anxiety or not anxiety? And even then, are there signs that are maybe less common. You just wouldn't recognize right away as being anxiety itself.

[00:08:30] Stacie Boyar: Lots of times procrastination is linked to depression, but also anxiety, like the fear of getting started. So if there is extreme procrastination, if there's a huge change in behavior, if they're really on edge, if they're over fatigued, if they are extremely irritable, and sometimes I'll mention muscle tension, or if there's lots of sleep disturbance, maybe that's It's time to really get involved and say what's going on.

[00:08:58] Stacie Boyar: But also knowing it's not [00:09:00] forever like any of these things when you're in it and you're feeling anxious, you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel or depression as well. You don't know, you don't feel like it's ever going to be over, but the truth is it is. And reminding your teens, you are, you've been successful a hundred percent of the time you've worked through so many issues growing up.

[00:09:20] Stacie Boyar: Your record is a plus and whatever you're going through, you're going to get through this. To and of course they will, but giving them these little tips and tools might help the process. 

[00:09:32] Dori Durbin: And that's the focus of your book too, right? Is giving them those tips and tools.

[00:09:36] Stacie Boyar: Yes. And I wish even starting in kindergarten, there would be a time to learn certain techniques for anxiety.

[00:09:45] Stacie Boyar: For example, breathing techniques, you think breathing, it's, we all do it, but how many people are doing it correctly for anxiety? So if the first day of kindergarten or whatever it is, the teacher teaching them breathing in through your [00:10:00] nose, not in through your chest with shallow breaths, because that makes your breathing worse and quicker and causes more anxiety, but breathing through your nose, getting that air all the way into your stomach and puffing out your stomach.

[00:10:13] Stacie Boyar: Nobody's looking, nobody cares, holding it there. And then breathing as slowly as possible through your mouth and really practicing that when they're calm, so you can easily draw upon it when you're not calm. So that's just one simple sometimes not so simple, but one technique, breathing that is so important when really feeling anxious.

[00:10:36] Dori Durbin: It's funny you say that too, I never realized, I hold my breath when I'm anxious, and I think that, other people probably do that too, without realizing it, that it's just like a natural control, mentality or reaction? Is that kind of what it's going on?

[00:10:51] Stacie Boyar: I think for some people they need more of a tactile thing. So sometimes I teach the, using your fingers and your hands to feel it. [00:11:00] So breathe up towards the tip of your thumb, hold it, breathe down, breathe up towards the tip of your pointer finger and down, using all the fingers so they could really feel yourself breathing.

[00:11:10] Stacie Boyar: But you're absolutely right when we're stressed or nervous, wherever we are as adults. Wherever we tend to hold our breath instead of really the breathing, but truthfully breathing and doing the belly breathing is so, so helpful. 

[00:11:25] Dori Durbin: And that's, so that's one of your breathing techniques. And I know your book covers the breathing, but there's also mindfulness and what is in store for somebody using mindfulness techniques?

[00:11:35] Stacie Boyar: Yes. So of course, where does happiness lie? in the moment. When we're thinking future, that's where the anxiety comes when we're thinking of the past. Potentially that's where the depression lies, but the future and the what ifs and the what ifs and the what ifs. And we think if we could, what if everything we'll be able to know what to do in that circumstance.

[00:11:54] Stacie Boyar: But of course there's so many variables we could never what if everything. So the important thing [00:12:00] is to be in the moment and one important skill for a tween is grounding. And using your five senses to pull yourself back into the moment. So you're not in the future, you're not in the past, you're right here.

[00:12:17] Stacie Boyar: So using your eyes to find five things you could see right wherever you are, your bedroom, your classroom, the doctor's office, if that's what makes you nervous. Four things you can smell, three things you can hear, two things you can touch, one thing you can taste or want to taste, just to pull yourself back into the moment.

[00:12:37] Stacie Boyar: And of course, with practice, when you're in a calm state, it's helpful. But pulling yourself right to the here and now is so important because we do, when we're anxious, we're just constantly thinking of the what ifs. And if we spent that worry energy in mindfulness energy, it would be so much more productive.

[00:12:56] Stacie Boyar: So we're wasting so much time and energy worrying [00:13:00] where it could be brought to the present where we could be happy and enjoy and grow and prosper. 

[00:13:06] Dori Durbin: That's fascinating. I love that concept of the grounding. And maybe that's common to other people, but I've never heard of that before. And I think that So would something like that work for somebody who Is worried about, let's say, maybe they have a sense of guilt of doing something, or they have just anxiety about I guess it would still be the fallout.

[00:13:28] Dori Durbin: The situation would that work for them? 

[00:13:31] Stacie Boyar: Absolutely. I was just trying to think of, guilty about not studying for a test or something. Yeah, like, yeah, they're waiting for the fallout. Oh, okay. Right. Like, oh my goodness, am I going to get an F on this? And the truth is, like I said, worrying is such a waste of time.

[00:13:47] Stacie Boyar: What's going to happen is going to happen. And what do we as teens or adults have control of? We have control of our thoughts and we have control of our actions. I think we can control this friend and we can control that boyfriend and we can [00:14:00] control that teacher and we can control our parents, but we can't, and it's important to for them to know that you, which is a wonderful thing, you have control of your thoughts, your thoughts can be happy, your thoughts can be positive, or they can go the other way, and you have control of your actions.

[00:14:15] Stacie Boyar: What's done is done. We can't do anything about that. It's just the here and now. So I think grounding would really be helpful for that. I also think, I talk a lot about meditation, too, and people say, Oh, my goodness, I can't meditate. I can't. My mind's all over the place. But there are active meditations, which sort of is like the grounding where you could do a walking meditation.

[00:14:38] Stacie Boyar: So when you're outside, maybe jogging or walking or walking your dog or whatever you're doing. And your mind starts to go where you really don't want it to go. A walking meditation or a nature meditation is really helpful for some people. So, they notice their thoughts are not, meh. So, they, oh, let me notice the clouds and let me look at the shape of the [00:15:00] clouds.

[00:15:00] Stacie Boyar: And, oh, let me focus on a tree. And try to look at all the aspects of the tree and the leaves and the colors. And then when they muff. find their mind going drifting somewhere they don't want. Oh, let me focus on the bird or something else in nature. So really practicing that could be helpful too for anxiety.

[00:15:19] Dori Durbin: Oh, that's great. Cause that's taking that focus completely away from that repetitive thought that's going on, right? 

[00:15:26] Stacie Boyar: Yeah. And there are so many, I teach the younger ones and the older teens too, to have a safe space and for adults to really if you can. Access your safe space, whether it's the beach or a park or the mountains and really get a feeling of visualization and visualizing the colors and the smells and what you're hearing in your safe space.

[00:15:50] Stacie Boyar: And your own bedroom. So we're wherever you are, if you're in a classroom and you're feeling anxiety, if you're in an airplane and you're feeling anxiety, wherever you are, you can access [00:16:00] that safe space in your mind's eye and kind of get yourself. to relax. So that could be helpful. That needs practice too, to really feel that you're in the mountains or wherever you are, but it works.

[00:16:13] Dori Durbin: I've always heard of visualization with sports and like the anxiety of a sports or, trying to push yourself beyond a specific level. Do you ever see that with your therapy sessions? 

[00:16:28] Stacie Boyar: I don't really do sports psychology, but I actually know someone who does, and yes, I think that's a huge one visualizing manifesting, picturing yourself in this situation.

[00:16:39] Stacie Boyar: Absolutely. Yes.

[00:16:41] Dori Durbin: I think teens have a lot of pressure, especially, if they've been in sports and they want to continue sports, but that starts to get them to a spot where maybe they can't perform because they're so worried that if they perform badly, they're not going to be able to. Grass.

[00:16:54] Dori Durbin: And so I, that just made me think of that.

[00:16:56] Stacie Boyar: I think that's a huge one of the sports psychology, the tennis [00:17:00] players that have their own sports psychologists. I think that's huge. Really important. 

[00:17:03] Dori Durbin: How about acceptance from other people? Let's say we were talking about social media earlier. Let's say there's the friend issues that go south and you're dealing with somebody who is anxious because. Friends are mad. Friends are around you. Friends are everywhere. What would be a recommended approach with something like that?

[00:17:23] Stacie Boyar: It's interesting with teens and sometimes with young adults too, we think that everybody's looking at us and focusing on us and talking about us And the truth is, and sometimes it's a hard truth, but sometimes it's a relief to know that people, and I tell this to my clients all the time, people really don't care, that they do.

[00:17:42] Stacie Boyar: You think that they're looking at you in the cafeteria and you're walking funny or your shirt is on inside out or whatever, but the truth is because of social media and such are. Fast world. They're onto their necks so quickly. So yes, maybe it's hurtful to think, wow, people really don't care about me.

[00:17:59] Stacie Boyar: But in a way it's [00:18:00] freeing to know that, wow, people really. Don't care and aren't hung up and aren't really talking about me. So that's kind of a good thing. And the truth is if somebody is talking about you, not you, you, the teen or whoever, it shows more about their character, of course, than yours.

[00:18:17] Dori Durbin: So that's a great point. Yes. Yes. And I know that's always like kind of a sticking thing. Especially with girls, I guess more than anybody else but it is. Yeah. So when it comes to your book, I also noticed you had really fun subtitles and one of them was, it's you, it's not me. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:18:39] Dori Durbin: And I think I had to deal with friends as well, right? Yes. Yeah. Can you tell us a little bit about that chapter? 

[00:18:45] Stacie Boyar: like we were sort of saying, everyone's behavior. Everyone's behavior is about them. It's not about you. If a friend's going to roll their eyes at you or be [00:19:00] mean to you or hurt your feelings, it's important.

[00:19:04] Stacie Boyar: And it's important for teams to sort of learn this, that it's not just you, people have lots of other issues going on in their life to make them behave that way. So reframing is a biggie. So if you feel that a friend has rolled their eyes at you and given you a dirty look, in your mind, to make you feel better, which really is probably the truth, say, wow, I wonder what happened that morning to that friend.

[00:19:28] Stacie Boyar: Or maybe she got into a fight with her mom, or maybe she didn't eat breakfast and she's really hungry, or maybe her dog's sick or put, reframe things so you don't put it on yourself because it is about them. It's not about you usually for the most part. 

[00:19:44] Dori Durbin: I love the fact that it all comes back to that perspective.

[00:19:48] Dori Durbin: It's that limited perspective of being stuck on you versus being out in the outside of the world and like realizing that so much more goes on besides you. 

[00:19:59] Stacie Boyar: Yes, which is really [00:20:00] hard for teens. Oh yeah. And I think that's part of what is the ultimate goal self actualization, knowing that it isn't about you, that it's other things are transpiring and looking at a different view and understanding somebody else's perspective or where they've come from.

[00:20:13] Stacie Boyar: So reminding teens that other people have much different lives and different things going on in their lives. to cause them to behave a certain way. And I think lots of times teens and adults too we have expectations, which is like a big no, no. If we could teach our teens not to put expectations on their friends.

[00:20:32] Stacie Boyar: So your friend didn't say hi. Well, that's something you would do, but you can't expect them to do it because you don't know what's going on in their life. So getting rid of expectations that you put on others is really important too. 

[00:20:46] Dori Durbin: Now your book, if I remember correctly. Your daughter was a part of this. And then I know that you've used her as kind of a test model as well. So can you tell us a little bit about that background from your book [00:21:00] too?

[00:21:00] Stacie Boyar: So I started doing a little podcast with all these tips and she went to sleepaway camp Which is a kind of like a big thing down here. I know not all kids do that, but she did go to sleepover camp, and it was during COVID, which was crazy, and the kids were super stressed, and they were stuck in this group of nine girls together for a long time, and they were talking about, Oh my gosh, what's our world going to look like?

[00:21:22] Stacie Boyar: Are we ever going to go back to school? Are we going to be able to meet new friends? All the things. And I guess, unbeknownst to me, maybe someone snuck their phone in or something, and they, and my daughter said, Oh, listen to my mom's podcast. And I did not know this. And much later we have a camp reunion at our house.

[00:21:39] Stacie Boyar: And one of the little girls said, Oh, I love listening to your podcast. And I listened to it with my mom and I listened to it before I go to bed. And when they left, I said to my daughter, first of all, I had no idea this was going on, but maybe we should make this into a book. So maybe more people can learn about these tips to help them when they're anxious.

[00:21:57] Stacie Boyar: So it came from that. We went from there

[00:22:00] Dori Durbin: [00:22:00] it's such a cute book. I mean, the outside of it is cute, but then the table of contents, it reads like it really is addressing straight to the teens, which I was really impressed with. Cause it'd be really easy to put together something very technical and science y, but it's not it's approachable to them, which makes me think they're just going to want to grab it and read it.

[00:22:19] Stacie Boyar: Oh, I so appreciate that night. I wanted to put easy things. So sometimes when we're feeling anxious adults and teens to questioning yourself and there's a checklist after every chapter. Did you drink enough water today? Yes or no. Did you exercise a little bit today? Yes or no. Did you get enough sleep? So just reminding ourselves. And I'm also really into journaling and I know not everybody loves that, but I think getting those thoughts out and writing them down is really important for teens. 

[00:22:54] Dori Durbin: And every other you have worksheets within it too, as well, don't you? 

[00:22:58] Stacie Boyar: Yes, like little [00:23:00] blueprints about changing your thoughts, questioning your thoughts for every negative thought, adding two or three positive to change it because we can change our brains.

[00:23:12] Stacie Boyar: We can think more positively if we continue to practice some of these tips. 

[00:23:18] Dori Durbin: Oh, that's fantastic. I think the more that you practice it, probably the more natural it becomes, right?

[00:23:23] Stacie Boyar: I think so. Yeah. I think the more you practice positive thinking, the easier it comes.

[00:23:29] Dori Durbin: Now is the book, it's specifically for teens and I'm sure parents could read it as well.

[00:23:35] Stacie Boyar: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, for sure. Teens, adults, anybody. There's journaling pages, so anybody can journal in the book as well. Yeah. 

[00:23:44] Dori Durbin: And your podcast, I listened to a few episodes of that as well. And it's focusing on the visualization aspect of the anxiety reduction, right?

[00:23:55] Stacie Boyar: Yes. Gosh, there's so many in there, but some of them [00:24:00] rainbow breathing container is a great one. I like where you put those negative thoughts. In a little container that you visualize and you put it away for an appropriate time to take it out. The power of visualization is really huge coupled with deep breathing, potentially yoga, meditation, all those kinds of good things.

[00:24:21] Dori Durbin: Okay, perfect. If you had one piece of advice for a stressed out parent. Who really wanted to help their kids get the anxiety, calm down. Even if it's just like in that moment, what would be your best piece of advice for them to try? 

[00:24:37] Stacie Boyar: a hundred percent, the breathing, the deep breathing to relax the grounding, knowing that none of this is going to last forever.

[00:24:46] Stacie Boyar: It is going to get better. I think all the safe space and getting yourself into visualizing what you want and what you want to manifest. I think, lots of times [00:25:00] it's like a fake it till you make it thing. And almost visualizing where you see yourself, where you want to be. I had, for an example, I had a client once who had to make a speech in front of a thousand people and was super nervous.

[00:25:14] Stacie Boyar: And her tactic to do that was to visualize a person that To her seemed super confident and had it together and I got who it was. Someone like it wasn't beyond. Maybe it was beyond saying she said, Oh, when she stands, her head is up high like this. Her shoulders are back. She has a smile on her face and I'm going to pretend that I'm that person.

[00:25:35] Stacie Boyar: So visualizing that. And I know it sounds silly. The fake until you make it or the visualization, but it really works. And she got up there and pretended she was this person and it really helped for her too. So that could be something to help with. 

[00:25:49] Dori Durbin: Yeah. That's easy to do right away. 

[00:25:51] Stacie Boyar: Yes, exactly. And all of these are, you don't need any tools except maybe a book to journal and you don't really need anything to do any of them.

[00:25:58] Dori Durbin: So that's [00:26:00] good. That's perfect. Okay. Tell us the name of your podcast. One more time. 

[00:26:04] Stacie Boyar: Namaste Stacey. And that's. Spotify or wherever you find podcasts. 

[00:26:10] Dori Durbin: And then where can we find your book?

[00:26:12] Stacie Boyar: Amazon is probably the easiest place but barnesandnoble. com, walmart. com, booksamillion. com, but Amazon's probably easiest, 

[00:26:22] Dori Durbin: you just Google, you're not the boss of me tips, tricks, and techniques. You probably will find it. 

[00:26:27] Stacie Boyar: Exactly. Yes, yes, yes. And how about you? If they want to contact you or work with you, where should they look for you? You can find me at namastacie.

[00:26:39] Stacie Boyar: net. And yeah, I'm there. 

[00:26:44] Dori Durbin: Stacie, you've given us some great advice, some tips and tricks, and I've seen that book and I think they need to go out and get it. So I appreciate your time today. 

[00:26:54] Stacie Boyar: Oh, and I thank you so, so much for having me. 

[00:26:57] Dori Durbin: Absolutely. Thank you.

[00:26:59] Dori Durbin: Thank [00:27:00] you. Have a good day. You too. Thank you. Bye Dori. Bye bye, Stacey.