Dori Durbin: [00:00:00] Welcome to, that's Good Parenting, the podcast that searches for simple steps to reduce your parenting stress. I'm your host, illustrator, coach, ghost writer, and podcaster, Dori Durbin. Parenting in today's world is not simple, and I think many of our listeners would love to end with more days feeling like they make good parenting decisions.

So how can they do that when they have girls? Simply put by asking others who we know, like and trust. It's my passion to provide that's good parenting as an easy tool for parents, as well as giving you this free expert content for your parenting. I also help the same family centered experts, kids size their amazing content for your kids. So let's get to this. Today we're diving into a topic for families with teen and college aged daughters.

And if you have a daughter really of any age, you'll know what I'm talking about and why this is so important. I'm incredibly excited to welcome our guests today.

Suzanne Hanna, she brings unique and approachable advice for our girls. Suzanne [00:01:00] is a life coach for teen and college girls, and she's here to share how she helps our young women feel more confident and understood

I know that say working in education is challenging, and that's an understatement. There are so many demands on adults and the students, and I know, Suzanne, that you are a former high school assistant principal, and that actually led to your career as a teen and college coach. So if you had one piece of advice for parents who have those high school daughters and want them to live full, confident and empowered lives, what would that advice be?

The number one piece of advice for. Parents of the teen girls would be, how you respond now determines what she's gonna tell you in the future. Mm-hmm. So if we can really work on as parents to, to control our reactions, because sometimes they can come at us with high emotions. They can come at us and say some very piercing things, some triggering things.

Um, girls have a tendency to do that. But if you can take a deep breath and respond to her rather [00:02:00] than react, what you're doing is setting the stage for her to feel more comfortable to share with you in the future. So I think with girls, how everything we do right now determines how she's gonna talk to you in the future.

So if you just remember that there are very high stakes with how we respond to our groups, and if we meet their emotional, heightened state with a reaction. Then they, they document that in their heads. Girls are like little detectives. They, they keep score and they're gonna wonder in the future if, if they want to share something with you because you might react in that way rather than responding like she needs you to respond.

That's so powerful. I, I'm actually going through my mind right now thinking of conversations where I did react at the high level. 

Suzanne Hanna: Yes. And 

Dori Durbin: to 

Suzanne Hanna: backpedal, it's so tough. And it's tough because I have a teen daughter myself, and there's a mother-daughter relationship, has a level of complication because of the, the heightened emotional state we both feel.

And it comes from a place of deep love and caring. There's nothing [00:03:00] like the, the anxiety that we feel is just from love, but that anxiety translates into our tone and, and how we approach the girls. And so if we are in, in a reactive state with a tone that is aggressive or, um, I guess girls don't like to be accused.

So if we're accusatory, then we're really like making them wonder, am I gonna tell my mom anything else in the future? Like, what's, what's the point in telling her if this is the reaction I'm gonna get? And, you know, and the thing is, we as adults do that as well. Like my friends and my family, like the people that react to me are like re that aren't responding thoughtfully.

I don't tell 'em things. And so it's basically what we do as adults as well. It's just girls are very attuned to our tone and our responses. 

Dori Durbin: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Your, your comment on tone is really, really key too, because we don't even realize sometimes that the tone that we have is really reflecting something we're thinking, even if it's not directly [00:04:00] related to what our answer is.

Absolutely. And I 

Suzanne Hanna: think we as like humans, we're mimics and so we naturally mimic the tone that's given to us. And we know team girls they love, they can get that high pitched tone and they can be aggressive and that's just how they are. And it's hard to not mimic their tone. So it takes a second just to take a breath and say, okay.

I can have an adult Tom and a response that's not, you know, I, I'm not demanding and I'm not judging her, shaming her. I'm just meeting her with a calm tone and I'm not meeting her where she is. And it's tough. I'm not saying it's not tough and we're gonna make mistakes and we're gonna stop. That's just part of this wonderful parenting journey.

Right. But I think that that's a key with, um, having our teen girls feel comfortable talking to us and talking to us in the future. 

Dori Durbin: That's probably some of that is the consistency of how we reply too. Absolutely. For instance, you get pulled over driving fast and whether you get the ticket or not, they come in jacked up and freaking out because that happened.

[00:05:00] Right. If we go to that same level, we've just escalated their emotions that much more. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And we may never find out again if they ever pulled over again. 

Suzanne Hanna: Put it in that teen vault and then it's over. It's so frustrating. 

Dori Durbin: So true. So true.

So as a children's book illustrator, the very first thing that I do when I work with people is to create the main character of their book. And the character is what leads the story for the whole entire book and, you know, tells us what the story's gonna be about. So in your experience, how would you describe your college and teen clients, in terms of who they are and what they struggle with?

Suzanne Hanna: The former English teacher, I love developing a main character. Thank you. Um, and the girls love the main character energy. They love to talk about that. But, um, the girls, that girls want to feel confident and they want to feel comfortable in their own skin. And no matter what issues or struggles my clients or girls I talk to are facing, those are the two main things they wanna know how to get.

Better, like be better versed in how to be [00:06:00] more confident and how to trust and rely on themselves. And so, um, I teach the girls that self-confidence is something that we're all attaining at any, at every, like every age. Like it's not something like one day you wake up and you're like, I'm confident it's over.

It's, it's a journey and it's something that like, you'll, you'll feel more confident and then one day you'll just get knocked back four steps. But the whole point is that you get back up. And the, the way I teach girls to get back up is by learning how to rely on themselves. So it goes back to that main character pillar of self-reliance.

Because if you can trust yourself to make decisions that are healthy for you and that kind. Then learning to trust yourself. You get that self-reliance so you can trust yourself to make the decision to get back up and to feel confident to face the next day. So the, the main character energy for me is confidence and self-reliance.

Those are like the two pillars of, of what I try to teach girls. And the beauty of it all is the main character. The girls, all of the answers are inside of them. They have, they [00:07:00] all are equipped to find more confidence and to find self-reliance. It's in there. Sometimes it just takes a neutral third party to point it out.

Because as we started, you know, with, with moms, sometimes we come at our girls with the same emotions, they address us. And so it can, it can just kind of end up just being like a, a, a screaming match. Or a fight or somebody cries or somebody goes silent and it just kind of ends. But. When you have a neutral third party that can point things out to the girls, and ironically what I point out to girls is probably like 98% what their moms have already told them.

But they're just hearing it from somebody different. It, it makes a difference. Yeah. It's 

Dori Durbin: much more reliable if 

Suzanne Hanna: it's from someone else. Right, right. I know like 

Dori Durbin: moms are nothing. What do we know? You, uh, you had a really great, , Instagram reel about bandaids and this whole conversation makes me think of that because I think about, you're talking about reliance and confidence and when, especially when they go off to college, they're on their own and they're looking for [00:08:00] these bandaids to come, pull them together, and the bandaids don't always work.

So maybe talk a little bit about that so everybody understands what I'm talking about, 

Suzanne Hanna: so the real I created was for, specifically for, um, seniors who were heading to college, where, you know, they're almost there. It's the summer. This is when the anxiety and the, the fear of am I going to make friends happens.

And so one of the biggest, um, struggles my girls deal with the first few months of school is how am I gonna make friends? I'm worried about making friends. And so what Band-Aid friends are, is band-aids and, and friends can provide the same kind of service. So basically when you've hurt, you've scratched your skin, you have a tender spot, you put a bandaid on that tender spot and it helps you, um, during a time when it's tender and it heals and it does its job and it's a wonderful thing.

And so bandaid friends are those friends that we make, like at college orientation or even at high school orientation. Um, and those first few weeks of school where you connect with maybe a, a suitemate your roommate, somebody in your English class that is just there and you [00:09:00] really kind of connect quickly because you're both uncomfortable.

You're both a, a little homesick. You both don't know where, you know the classroom building is. You're going through your next class, you're not sure what your dinner plans are, so you just really connect. And so bandaid friends happen quickly. Just as a bandaid, here's to you quickly. It's quick. Coverup of the pain, right?

And so the bandaid friends do that. And so you can be really quick friends. You almost become clingy as bandaid friends. But what happens is when you both become more comfortable in your new environment, meaning you make other friends, you connect with others, you start to kind of take a sigh of relief.

Like, okay, I live here now I can do this. Sometimes the Band-Aid friends and you, um, just kinda do this natural separation, which is totally normal because all friendships don't last forever. And so sometimes those friends don't end up being your besties. They were just temporary friends, but they served an incredibly important purpose.

And I, I like for girls to know going in that the first friends you make aren't necessarily the ones you're gonna have the whole time [00:10:00] you're in college. Maybe not even last the first few weeks of college, but that those friends are very important. And I think too, it's a good warning because sometimes you're a bandaid friend for somebody else and they are ready to move on.

So it's nothing personal that they have met other people and they're branching out. And so I think it's good for girls to go in knowing that, like, you might have a friend that's close to you, but, but he or she might meet new people and kind of pull away from you, and that's okay.

And that means it's time for you to maybe to make some more friends as well. So that's the whole concept of band-aid friends. I think anytime you get a, a student or any human, like a good analogy or metaphor, it makes things make more sense. 

Dori Durbin: It sure does. No, it was a great representation of what friendships are when you first get there.

Yeah. Yeah. That's great. Well, okay, let's say you're a parent who has sent their child off to college or is prepping to send their child off to college and I know with having my own daughter, there's like this line between being confident and needing you. Being independent. Yes. And being [00:11:00] dependent. And it's like this, this balance that you just as a parent, you kind of juggle between and try to figure out which side of the line you need to be on.

Yes. So is there a way that parents can recognize when their daughters really need more help than they're really asking for? Because I know sometimes it feels like we need to let them go, but then we also need to pull them tight, you know, where is that space to figure out what it is they need and when do they need it?

Suzanne Hanna: Yes. And that's like the, the most difficult part of parenting, especially parenting teenagers, is when do I dive in as a parent and when do I let go? And my argument is, everything with parenting is a both, and you're both one thing and the same thing. Like you're happy and sad at the same time. We have to carry two emotions at all times as a parent.

So that means that you're letting go, but you're also parenting. And I think, which makes no sense, right? It's like two things at one time, but it really is what has to happen. There's a balance between the two. And my argument is always that [00:12:00] parenting is a, is more important now than ever when your child's transitioning from, let's say, high school to college.

This is when parenting is super important because our, our kids will pull away from us, which is natural. And we want them to like, we want our kids to be independent and to go into life and to feel confident. Of course, that's every parent's dream, but our kids will show us signs when they need more support.

And so for instance, like, um, girls that are graduating from high school can, can really change, almost change personalities over the summer and at the end of their senior years. Like the girls who I call like little Miss Perfects, like who get straight A's and who might be an undergraduate and have gotten in their number one school and they have, they're in every club and this and this and this.

She suddenly might come home with a piercing or she suddenly might date this, this dude that. You're like, what are you thinking? Her Or she might start getting a little sassy where she wasn't before. So she's experimenting with her individuality and individuation is something that is so important for, for development for kids, [00:13:00] but also sometimes that is just a red flag and sometimes that means she's suffering and she needs some sort of guidance from us.

And so instead of like being annoyed when they do annoying things, because I'm telling you here, it's annoying and it's, it's makes you angry. 'cause you're like, what are you doing? I've taught you better than this. What? You broke curfew. You've never done that before. Who is this person? She's screaming to you?

Because there's something inside that feels insecure or afraid. And the girls that I, I've dealt with, the high achievers that kind of get rebellious or maybe, um, maybe they self isolate. It all goes back to fear. They're, they are afraid, and of course they're afraid. And there's nothing wrong with being a friend and having a con a conversation about how, you know, being a freshman in college or make any big change as a teenager is uncomfortable, and it's going to be uncomfortable for a while.

But what we can work on is getting comfortable, being uncomfortable and [00:14:00] understanding discomfort for what it is when it happens. Number one, it's not gonna kill you. You are not gonna die. We're not gonna die of this today. Nope, we're not doing it. We're not dying of discomfort, but we're gonna recognize it and say, oh, I've got that empty feeling in my guts.

It's that feeling I felt when my parents left me. That's homesickness. Here it is. It's not comfortable, but it's temporary. And I'm comfortable with the fact that I know I'm uncomfortable because I know it's temporary and I know I'm eventually going to be okay. And, and kind of delineating between those two feelings helps kids separate themselves from their feelings and understand that like, you know, especially with, with consideration of homesickness, like they might say, I'm lonely.

I'm lonely. Well, there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. Like when you're alone, that's just a situation. Like you're walking to class alone. That's a situation. It's not a feeling. Lonely is a feeling, and just because you're alone doesn't [00:15:00] mean you're necessarily lonely. You can be perfectly content with your AirPods in, listen to your favorite, um, you know, music as you walk to class.

Like, you're perfectly happy alone. And that doesn't mean you're lonely. And so, um, I think just, and, and when, when kids learn to sit with discomfort and recognize it, I think that is the biggest battle. So when our girls are, are acting out, there's a deep seated fear and it's because they're uncomfortable with something.

And I think as parents, our parenting is so important at this point because we're teaching them welcome to adulthood. Like, you're not welcome to a whole life of discomfort. Right? Like, sorry kids. But, um, but it's, but that's part of anytime we move on from a relationship, from a situation, we get a new job, we move something tragic happens.

It's uncomfortable. And learning to recognize that and to know that, yes, I'm uncomfortable right now, but I'm comfortable with that. Because it's not gonna last forever. And I have the tools to get myself [00:16:00] through it. So, um, you know, going, like, circling back to your question, parenting is incredibly important now, but it's more about open communication and having real conversations and talking to your teen, especially the teens heading to college, almost like you would a best friend.

And you're not trying to be friends. Like, you're not like, you know, I, I I, I caution against parents who are like, let's have a beer together and talk. No, we're not doing that. Like, that's not, we're not doing that. Like, this is when you parent, and this is when it's really important for you to, to show that you are a true mentor and that you've been through some life experiences and you felt discomfort, but you made it through.

So give them some stories about, you know, this happened to me and I was uncomfortable. And it might make you uncomfortable telling them that story, but, but you need to tell them because they're gonna find it from somebody else. They're gonna find they're gonna, they're gonna get what they need from somebody.

And I want it to be from the loving parents. And loving and a, a kid is not over parenting either. [00:17:00] Like I do not over parent. I'm very, my kids are independent. My son is so fiercely independent, like his first word or his first sentence to me was, I do it. And I was like, okay. And so like we say that to him, we're like, okay, I do it.

Okay, you go ahead. And so it's not over parenting, it's it's kind parenting and honest parenting. Mm-hmm. I think that's the key. Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: No, I love that actually, that last bit, there's so much in what you said. I think when parents do go see their kids at college, the going back to the lonely and alone piece of that, sometimes I think that if there's the loneliness sense.

The kids try to hide it. And I don't know. I'm curious about that piece because, we've experienced where we go to the college and the, the kid is just different. Yeah. You're just like, why, why do you seem different? There's just like this kind of sense around them that just doesn't feel normal.

And I remember talking to my husband and saying, okay, [00:18:00] did we do anything? What do we do? We do we try like, are we, are we bad parents? Because we're not like coming up more often and you know, like, what do we do? And later, you know, after time went by, it came up again where we actually talked about it and the child was like, well, I just, I wasn't being included.

I didn't want you to know, I didn't want you to feel bad about it. I wasn't really sure who my friends were. I mean, all of those things, like, it was almost like they wanted to hide it from us. Because it would look like a failure or like they needed us one of the two. Is that common too? 

Suzanne Hanna: Absolutely. And I think there's, there's a shame that kids automatically like, put upon themselves if they haven't achieved, and especially high achieving kids in college, because it's taken a lot to get there.

And, you know, we're open with our kids about how much it costs, about the pressures and this and that. And so they feel this really deep pressure to do well. And, and you know, and I get kind of, you know, I'm, I'm a Gen X girl and like. You know, and I get kind of, um, I don't know if like aggravated is the right [00:19:00] word, but I just get impatient with the Gen Xers who are like, well, they don't ha teenagers are teenagers.

And it's always been hard. We didn't have the devices in our hands with, you know, the ability to look at pornography, to make fun of people, to automatically lose yourself confidence, to look at perfect people.

You know, we hadn't just lived through a global pandemic and, you know, I could go on and on about how the world's on fire, right? So our kids have so much pressure on us, and in 1994 when I went to UNC Chapel Hill, my mom and dad could like write a check for $2,500 for my tuition. That was it. But like this huge great university, that's all it was.

And so now, you know, you're budgeting an in-state school, um, $25,000 a year. And so we need to be honest with our kids, like this is how much we're paying. So they've got that financial burden on them as well. And so my argument is the kids. Are stressed and they are, they want to protect us or they want to not look like they have failed.

You nailed it when you [00:20:00] said that before. And they don't want the shame of saying, I didn't succeed because we push success, success, success. And in order to get into the schools now, I mean, goodness, what else can these children do? They have like four point fours. They do everything they like, they start organizations and what can these poor kids do?

I mean, good grief, you know, they're more mature than we are and you know, so, um, they do have such, um, pressure on them. And so, and I think they do want to protect us as parents. And so, you know, trust your parent intuition. Like we know when our kids are off, we know. And you get that little feeling and listen to it and know, and, and that's honestly why I offer life coaching because having worked with kids for 25 years, I know that sometimes they need somebody else to help.

And honestly, like Dorie, a lot of my work is for the moms. I do this to support other moms because their daughters, I will treat them like my own. And like [00:21:00] I said earlier, I'm probably repeating what the mom's already said to the girl, but it's just hearing it from somebody different. And I know I can give moms a sigh of relief.

Like I know my daughter's getting support because she might be homesick, she might be ashamed that she hasn't made the friends she thought she might make. Um, and so it's just an extra layer, like layer of support that moms and girls need for sure. 

Dori Durbin: I think it, it goes back to what you said about the escalated feelings.

I think maybe we don't understand what's going on, but we sense the emotional drops and raises. And I know I've called my daughter a few times and I can hear in her voice that she's stressed, she's frustrated, everything's fine. And I'm like, no, it's not. I can hear it in your voice.

I know. And we know, we know. We get told it's okay. And so then you're on the other side trying to figure out how do I deescalate myself and tell me myself it's okay. While encouraging her that, in figuring out what's going on, it's, it's a lot. And I think that's where, you know, it's actually kind of magical that you [00:22:00] could talk to the parent and the child at the same time and you know, kind of calm the.

Suzanne Hanna: Make the Instagram post, like my reels, I'm talking to the kids, but I'm helping the moms. Yeah. Like I'm saying, the things that I know moms want their kids to hear and listen to, and also I, I weave in what I know they need to know. Having been, you know, a school administrator for so long and working with the college girls, like, so it's almost like I'm doing the moms the service, but I'm saying it to the girls, if that makes sense.

Dori Durbin: Yeah, total sense now. And it's probably, gonna work better because like you said, , they're gonna listen to you first, unfortunately, for the moms, but they're gonna listen. I know, right? You're saying exactly what the moms have are experiencing.

Suzanne Hanna: It.

It is funny. Yeah. My own daughter will come home and tell me something like her favorite teacher told her. And I'm thinking, must've said that 15 times, but good. I'm so glad you learned that from Miss what her face. 

Dori Durbin: Oh, that's so funny. Well, I know when I sent our [00:23:00] daughter off to college, I was like, okay, I want her to be confident to go after her goals, to be well spoken and respectful at the same time.

And I really think that your life coaching and your team coaching aims to do very similar, focuses because one of the things you said was that your goal is to help girls excel academically and socially. So are there specific techniques that you use to make this. Possible for girls and maybe even easy for girls.

Yeah, I know. Where's the easy button? 

Suzanne Hanna: Um, and of course it's super individual 'cause every girl is different and their struggles are different. But, um, like for instance, with making friends and when you, when you started a new school or maybe you've moved to a new apartment or a new dorm or changed your major, , anything where you're around new people.

, There, there are two strategies I love. And the first one is to say yes. Like if, if somebody on your hall has the nerve and has built up the gut and the bravery to say, do you wanna go grab dinner at the dining hall? Like of course with the caveat, this [00:24:00] person feels safe, right? Like this is not some creeper, right?

We're talking about like somebody that's safe. And instead of like the first response of I'm scared. What if, what if, what if stopping and saying yes, let's. And it might not be a person that you like pictured yourself hanging out with before. It might not be the type of person that is usually your friend group, but who cares?

Say yes. Go enjoy dinner. Even if you just ate in your room. Who cares? Go have an ice cream while you're sitting there and open yourself and be open to new relationships and to learning the that there are so many people on this planet because I. We live, we, I don't think, I know, we live very insular, insular lives now, and college colleges are really the only opportunity for kids like staying in country to, um, to be around so many brilliant people and so many diverse people.

And I tell girls every day, like, college is beautiful because you have so many smart individuals teaching you. [00:25:00] The professors are so amazing. They love their subject matter so much. They've gotten a PhD and written a dissertation about it. They're researching it and they wanna talk about it every day.

And you have like, like what, like 30 acres with all these smart people in 30 acres. And you'll never have that level of intelligence in any other 30 acres in your life, trust me. Right? And so it like, soak it up and soak up all the other students that are with you because when you say yes to a dinner or to go grab a coffee, you, you've got a comrade because everybody at that school chose to be there.

You know, every, I mean, some of them it may have been like their, their safety school and they don't wanna be there, but they're there, right? And so most of the people chose that school for many different reasons that are the same. And so you do have a lot of common ground. So say yes, like challenge yourself to say yes to, to, uh, to like joining a club to, you know, if somebody says, I'm going to this, um, community event, come with me.

Go. If it feels safe, of course, but go, and, you know, it might not be something you're [00:26:00] interested in at all. It might be like underwater basket weaving, but who cares? It's the only chance in your life you have to try that. So go for it, because you're not in that little insular life like you were in your hometown.

Um, and so I think also I, I read in a book called Open Win by Dr. Julie Smith. I love that book about the concept of being the welcomer. And so instead of like, you know, like closing off when you get uncomfortable or doing what all the kids do and adults do, as soon as we get uncomfortable, we grab our phones.

And we go straight into our phones and we start scrolling. We read our texts. We, we, they send snaps to their friends. They're always making faces on their screens, sending pictures. Um, instead of like grabbing your phone and making yourself comfortable, like it's your security blanket, which it is, like, look around the room and the person next to you be the welcomer, you be the one to break the ice.

And you can say something so simple. Like right now in North Carolina, it is hotter than the surface of the sun, right? It is so hot here right now, it's, I can't even stand it. And [00:27:00] so I would look at someone and be like, it is so hot. Like, that's all you have to say. And the person next to you is gonna be like, oh my gosh, I know.

I'm like dripping stuff. Like what is this? You know? And then, you know, you've broken the ice. And so then you can ask questions. And college questions are easy to ask. Like, where are you from? What's your major? What dorm do you live in? They're very like, surface fun questions you can ask. And so the beauty of the concept of the welcomer is that if you're in a room or like in a classroom before the professor starts the lecture, other people are gonna see you talking.

So they're gonna think and they might turn to the person next to them and ask a question. And so then you kind of just break the ice. And because you had the bravery to be the welcomer, it might be that the room starts kind of chattering and you can sit back and be like, I did that. Okay. Comfortable now.

And so instead of like, you know, retreating into yourself like a little turtle in your shell, just say something and you know, every now and then the person you say something to you might want you to go away and not talk. And that's gonna happen and you're [00:28:00] like, oh, that person's not feeling it today.

Okay. Um, but that doesn't mean you don't try it with somebody else, you know, in the next class or maybe the next person next to you. Um, so I think like opening yourself to say yes and to be the welcome are, are really important strategies and I think it really helps girls to, to be brave and try new things.

Dori Durbin: Yeah. Yeah. Do you have any advice for girls who feel intimidated by being in such a vast group of girls? And I, I know we tell them not to compare or not to size themselves up against other girls, but it happens. So what advice or strategies you have for that? 

Suzanne Hanna: Well that's, the age old issue with girls.

And I think now, you know, and especially there's this trend right now where everybody's got these huge friend groups like girl, they're traveling in like packs. And what happens is they're, they're these packs, you can't have deep, meaningful relationships impacts. And so [00:29:00] then you have the visions because, you know, because it's normal for people to have like one to four very close friends.

That's like the amount of friends a, a healthy person needs. Like, you don't need more than that because you, if you're really being a, a, a strong friend, like that's too hard. It'd be a full-time job. Right? And so what happens is there are these surface relationships where it's like, I had one client call 'em, Hey, bye friends.

And I thought that was so funny. I'm like, they're just bye friends. And I'm like, you're so run. It's so shallow in surface. They're, Hey, bye friends. But on social media they appear to be like this, you know? Congealed like tribe of, of beautiful people that all love each other and they all comment on each other's posts, but in reality they're hate.

And so I think conversations with our girls about this new trend of the big friend groups and just saying, you know, I use your own discerning eye. Like, you know, like there's no way they can all be best friends with each other. And so like use your detective skills and know they're not. And so it's just for [00:30:00] social media, it's just for the posts, it's just, it's surface.

And so know that true healthy people have the one to four best trends. And so, um, there's that piece of it. But I think also, um, we sell college to girls, especially as like, the greatest time in your life and you are gonna meet your bridesmaids and it's just gonna be the best time of your life. And so like two weeks in, they're like, Suzanne, I haven't met anybody.

Like, where are my bridesmaids? And I haven't met any friends and what's happening? And like, well, because we sell that to you in the wrong way. Like when you go to college. You. My favorite quotation is wherever you go, there you are. Right? Like you are the same human. You're just in a different space. And life is life wherever you go as well.

And so accept it as life is life and you're gonna have to create your own routine with your classes. And you choose who you interact with. And you're probably not gonna meet your bestie in the first week, maybe not the first semester. You might not meet your best friend until your junior year, [00:31:00] or your favorite person on the planet you meet.

Might be the year after you graduate from college. Like it just might not be the case. That doesn't mean you're not gonna have good friends and dear friends and fun friends, like people in, you know, a fun club you have, or you know, your roommate or your hall that you think is hysterical and you just like to walk to class.

I think teaching kids like, it's not like this pie in the sky pinnacle when you get there. It's not like all football tailgating and you know, pictures of besties. That's not, that's not the reality. That's what it looks like on social media. But the reality is life is life. 

Dori Durbin: Yeah. Good. Very good. You don't have to use names, but I think that when we think of somebody who is struggling, who manages to overcome, it's pretty inspiring. So do you have somebody that comes to mind like that? I do, I have a lot. Oh my gosh. I love 

Suzanne Hanna: my girls. They're like, they're my heart. Like they just are so precious.

Um, and so I had, , [00:32:00] a client who was at a super big university, like one of those like 65,000 people once, and, um, and just was overstimulated, overwhelmed, felt alone. We started, I started life coaching with her. Um, worked on some self-confidence, just, um, and, and I, when I work with the girls, they think we're just kind of talking and hanging out, but I'm really like working on some strategies and skills and, and challenging the girls.

And so, she ended up getting really close to a group of friends. She ended up actually deciding. She wanted to rush in the spring, got into a sorority. She loves, met her friends. She got into a sorority. And rushed for all the right reasons. Right. It wasn't to like, you know, all the things. We could have another whole episode about sororities, but she found her people and she found her place and she's so confident now, and it's like, and she doesn't always have great days.

Like there's still hard days, there's still hard tests, there's still, you know, dating certain guys and whatever. Like, there's always that craziness of college. But she really [00:33:00] grew and just blossomed into this just incredible human in a very short amount of time. And so I, I love, I love that story. Yeah.

That makes me heart happy. 

Dori Durbin: That is awesome. I'm sure there's many, I won't make you tell them all, but I appreciate hearing about one because I do think that it's encouraging to, to parents to know that there's a before and an after that can occur in a relatively short time. Yeah. 

Suzanne Hanna: Yeah. My, my goal is for the girls to not need me.

Like I'd, you know, I do have memberships where they're like, but I wanna hang out. I'm like, me too. Don't leave. Right? Like, we're gonna stay, but like, but my goal is for them to feel confident because it took me until my late forties, like I'm 49 now. It took me a few years ago to realize, wait a minute, I don't have to be so tired.

I don't have to be so anxious. I don't have to feel like I have to achieve, achieve, achieve. And I learned how to calm my own nervous system, how to slow my anxiety and how to appreciate every day and who I am for who I am rather than trying to be something. And [00:34:00] I love coaching this age group of girls because goodness, I wish somebody had taught me that because now these girls have like decades ahead of them where they feel confident and they have strategies they can use for the rest of their lives to feel like, whoa, wait a minute.

The answers are a. And I, I am what I need. All I need is right here. And I trust myself to make decisions that are healthy for myself and that are, are gonna help me in the future and me right now. And, you know, and, and learning those skills just I think are, are lifelong skills. So my goal is for them to just learn and not need me and to just go and blossom and you know, 'cause I love when girls feel good about themselves.

It's the greatest thing ever. 

Dori Durbin: You know, the beautiful thing about that too is that they're not 49 trying to start that. Right. They have to wait. I mean, 

Suzanne Hanna: goodness. Yeah. Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: Not that what you did was wrong by 

Suzanne Hanna: any means, but if you can help them early, right. Well, I think we weren't taught, like, I think there wasn't, there's a like an awareness kind of movement.

Um, and being like [00:35:00] aware and um, you know, we were taught like be self-confident, but nobody like told me what that was. And it was more of an achievement culture, which is still there. But there's also a way to like balance. Somebody who's anxious and driven, there's a way to calm your nervous system and understand that like your anxiety is there for a reason.

And like my anxiety I had to realize was trying to protect me from things like I was afraid of failure and my anxiety was there to like, you know, I guess like amp me up with cortisol to just keep going. Right? And so I think, um, just to, for girls to recognize like what, like their responses, their nervous system responses.

Like some people clam up, like some people just get in bed and rot. I'm like, Nope, we gotta get up. Like, let's figure out why you're there. Like, okay, what, what triggered you to get here? Let's get curious. Like, you're here. How does this feel? What led to this? And so we really dig into feelings and getting curious about responses and understanding that like when I don't feel good inside, like your nervous [00:36:00] system tells you your heart rate gets, your heart starts beating faster.

Some people get sweaty, some people's fingers tingle. Some people get lightheaded. You know, like I tell the girls, like when I start, when I feel my anxiety, I feel it like in my throat. Like I've been yelling at like a sporting event or a concert or something. It's like a bit. And I'm like, whoa, okay. Why am I anxious?

And so you recognize your body tells you when you're anxious before your mind does. And so girls, you know, becoming aware of like, oh, it's creeping up. Okay, it's here. I'm not afraid of it. It's not gonna kill me. I say that all the time, like, this is not gonna kill me. We're gonna be okay. And um, and it's not gonna kill me, but it's here and it's telling me something, something is making me anxious.

Something is, something is off. And to teach them, like, let's get curious, see what it is, and then when it happens, like the strategies to calm yourself and feel safe again and move forward. 

Dori Durbin: I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't need that, honestly. Right. I really can't. I'm like, pick me. Pick me. [00:37:00] Oh, that's great.

That is great. Well, while we're on this, could you tell them a little bit more about other services you offer and resources that you have? 

Suzanne Hanna: Yeah, certainly, certainly. So I offer one-on-one life coaching for girls, and, um, and I have an application process and you just fill out your quick application and then I let you know when I've got an opening.

And so we start with a consult call and the one-on-one coaching is like the, the heart of my business, but I also write blogs and I send a weekly news, um, email newsletter, which is, you know, it's kind of like where I am, what I'm feeling, and it is always something helpful like to help moms and girls because I, I feel like my service is for.

The, the girls of course, but I'm also helping on their sweet moments. Right? Like, that's really important. And so yes, I'd love for people to like, subscribe to my email, read the blogs, um, follow me on Instagram. I like to make videos, um, and reels because I like to talk to the girls. And, and like I said earlier, it's kind of sneaky, it's not sneaky 'cause it's real.

I'm talking to the girls, but it's helping the moms because a lot of moms [00:38:00] forward that to their kids. Like, Hey, watch this. And maybe hearing it from just a different person can make it like resonate and land with the girls. And so that's, that's my, my hope. 

Dori Durbin: And what is the best, um, is it your website that's how houses everything?

Or where should they look first? 

Suzanne Hanna: Yeah, my website is suzanne hanna coaching.com and um, Instagram is at Suzanne Hanna Coaching. And so from both of those places, you can find all the links and all the things. Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: Awesome. Well, we're, we're down to the last minute or two. Is there anything else that you wanna tell parents who have daughters right now who are struggling with trying to figure out what their next move should be?

Suzanne Hanna: Yeah, your next move, mama is in your heart. Your next move is what you know you should do. And I challenge you to take a deep breath and, and be confident in what you know your child needs because nobody knows your child like you do. And, and re responding to her rather than reacting is the special sauce.

[00:39:00] And I think an honest conversation too, because if you have been reacting, like sometimes you have to have the honest conversation. I had it with my 14-year-old just last week. I was like, sweet girl, I have come to you at a high state of anxiety because you're, I'm responding to you the way you're coming at me.

And I'm sorry. And I'm going to be calmer in my responses to you because, and she's like, thank you mom. I need you to be calm when you talk to me. And I was like, oh, here we go. There's the evidence, right? So I just encourage moms to like, try not to react. It's hard. Oh my gosh. It's hard sometimes you gotta count to a hundred.

It's hard. And sometimes you gotta say, you know what? I need to go take a walk for a second. I will come back to you. And so she's seeing that you're learning how to regulate your own nervous system. You're being thoughtful in your responses. So, but I think all mamas, like if a mom is listening to this podcast, they are an amazing mom and are doing the right thing.

100%. Yeah. If you care this much, you are an amazing human. Yeah. 

Dori Durbin: That's awesome. I [00:40:00] agree a hundred percent. If you can say one moment was good parenting, then that's all that you can ask for. 

Suzanne Hanna: Yes. If 

Dori Durbin: you're wondering about your parenting, you're a good parent. You're a good parent. Oh my gosh. Absolutely. I love it.

Suzanne, thank you so much for all your information. I'm actually gonna encourage listeners who are listening, if you have more questions, I think you need to shoot them to us so that we can bring Suzanne back. Oh, I'd love that. Please ask me questions. I love to 

Suzanne Hanna: help parents. Like I'm, you know, as 25 years of public education, I'm a helper, so let me help you.

Please. Awesome. 

Dori Durbin: Well thank you so much for your time today, especially. Oh, of course. It's been so fun. It's so nice to meet you. Thank you.