[00:00:00] Laura Reagan: that means that the old authoritarian ways of do what I say, when I say do it, is not going to work. They are experiencing the world much earlier. They're making decisions digitally that we did not have to make. So there's a lot more autonomy there. So we have no other choice, but to be. Relational and more conscious in our communication
[00:00:22] Dori Durbin: As parents, we are literally in competition with the world. Our kids can find any answer on Google and get a thousand opinions about the right answer. So as parents, how do we have tough conversations with our teens? That. We really need to have if you're asking this, you may also be asking how you can have conversations about possible risky behaviors. Or not so great grades or even questions that you have about what they're thinking and feeling.
[00:00:52] Dori Durbin: You may also have heard the term conscious parenting and be curious about how that would work with your team. Good news [00:01:00] I have on the show, Laura Reagan, she's a family sociologist at teen communication coach and a substance abuse counselor. And she also has a book called how to raise respectful parents, better communication for teens and parent relationships. So Laura will have your answers. Listen, next.
[00:01:19] Dori Durbin: So Laura, I once heard someone say that we struggle the most with our team who is the most like us. So first of all, is that true? And secondly, is it? Yeah. Why is it so hard for most parents to talk to their teens?
[00:01:38] Laura Reagan: Boy, those are two really big questions. It's not been the case in my family. That the team is probably most like me was the one I had issues with it in my life has depended on the stage of life that they're in, whether that's toddler or school age or early adolescence, [00:02:00] late adolescence, young adult, whatever that was full disclosure.
[00:02:04] Laura Reagan: I have 2 young adults right now. So we survived and made it through the teen years and they're still talking to me. So we did something right? That's the good news. But I think that 1st question about, the 1 that's most you is probably more of a question that. Is under the psychology umbrella, and I step back and take things from a sociological view, rather than a psychological.
[00:02:29] Laura Reagan: And what that means is I focus more on what we call in sociology, the social location of our children and teens. And I think that influences more whether or not we're getting along or not is, am I relating to them as an equal? Meaning is what they say. Just as important as what I say, is what they do.
[00:02:53] Laura Reagan: Just as important. What as what I do is their time is their their opinion as important as mine because if I'm [00:03:00] relating to them in their full personhood then we don't have issues. It's all, most often when I am. Jumping into that authoritarian role and trying to control, even if it's a subversive motivation, that's when problems pop up when issues erupt.
[00:03:22] Laura Reagan: To answer the 2nd question, yes, talking to teens can be tough and intimidating because they are truly in a different social position than we are inside of our culture. They don't have the same status and financial position. They have adopted their own little subculture. They have their own vocabulary, as any parent will attest to, right?
[00:03:47] Laura Reagan: And certainly their own ideas. But that means that the old authoritarian ways of do what I say, when I say do it, is not going to work.
[00:03:56] Laura Reagan: They are experiencing the world much earlier. They're making [00:04:00] decisions digitally that we did not have to make. So there's a lot more autonomy there. And it's not just that we can be more respectful of their personhood and adopt A relational parenting model, a gentle parenting model from because it's quote, unquote, the right thing to do. I've
[00:04:18] Dori Durbin: never thought about that.
[00:04:20] Dori Durbin: It's so true because when the computers came in, it was like, for us, it was such a different experience. Can I trust this? Can I? And now it's just so commonplace. Where's the first place that you go when you have a question? It used to be our parents. My parents
[00:04:35] Laura Reagan: told me, look it up, and they meant go to the encyclopedia and read a book and go to the card catalog and the old libraries, that's really dating myself.
[00:04:44] Laura Reagan: And our kids are just Google it, run a search on it.
[00:04:48] Dori Durbin: That is so true. And I never thought about like the timing as far as what they're experiencing is so different And they're exposed to so much more so much earlier. [00:05:00]
[00:05:00] Laura Reagan: Exactly. And that means that the old authoritarian ways of do what I say, when I say do it, is not going to work.
[00:05:10] Laura Reagan: They are experiencing the world much earlier. They're making decisions digitally that we did not have to make. So there's a lot more autonomy there. And it's not just that we can be more respectful of their personhood and adopt A relational parenting model, a gentle parenting model from because it's quote, unquote, the right thing to do.
[00:05:32] Laura Reagan: It's also very pragmatic, practical thing because authoritarianism will not work with this generation. It's just not good. So we have no other choice, but to be. Relational and more conscious in our communication and they're in
[00:05:48] Dori Durbin: that time, even though that they have all these abilities digitally, like you said, or they can Uber their own stuff, right?
[00:05:55] Dori Durbin: They can sit,
[00:05:57] Laura Reagan: they
[00:05:58] Dori Durbin: can't drive. I'll get an Uber or [00:06:00] I'll. Yeah. So despite that, they still are going through a lot of those same struggles that we had. So it makes sense that we would try to, to do what we experienced as kids. But they're in that half between if they can Uber, but they're still not considered adults.
[00:06:15] Dori Durbin: How does that work? Yeah, that's really. And
[00:06:18] Laura Reagan: I think that it's comforting to parents to remember that, I still have more experience than my team that, I still have been in the world longer and have more social. Aptitude than they do. And even the government makes me responsible for them.
[00:06:34] Laura Reagan: That there were a few times when I said, sorry, I didn't make the rules of the government at this point, you're going to have to do this or find. Another way for us to negotiate your needs because I'm still responsible for you. That's so
[00:06:49] Dori Durbin: true. That's so true. Okay.
[00:06:51] Dori Durbin: Thinking through all this, that almost makes this next question a little more complex in my mind. Okay. What is a fatal flaw that [00:07:00] parents make when trying to communicate with their teens?
[00:07:04] Laura Reagan: Sure. I think that there's a spectrum here. One is to Want to get down on their level and be a kid and adopt.
[00:07:15] Laura Reagan: The role of a child or the perceived role of a child or team and the other is to be authoritarian over them, perceiving that I have power and dominance and try to manipulate our kids into quote unquote compliant behavior and neither one of those on the spectrum is this relational, gentle, conscious parenting model.
[00:07:37] Laura Reagan: In, in conscious parenting, I see my child as the whole sovereign being that there are, they're their own person. They have their own likes and dislikes. How would I feel if I was told what to do all the time? I would want to understand, why the rules are the way they are. How is this helpful to me?
[00:07:55] Laura Reagan: Particularly in the teen years, it's so important that we don't [00:08:00] compromise our role as a parent. If we simply explain how things work and why we're doing it this way, it's not that I want to cramp your style and keep your friends away from you and stop your texting. It's that blue light before bedtime, 30 to 60 minutes ahead of time will interfere with your ability to have REM sleep.
[00:08:17] Laura Reagan: So I'm not wanting to cramp your style. I'm wanting to help you be healthy. We'll explain it to your team that way. They're probably going to be more on board. They might not like it. But we can have a conversation about what might work best for the entire family's health than make it about compliance to a particular rule.
[00:08:38] Laura Reagan: Because anytime I want to coach compliance in my team, I'm really trying to persuade and manipulate them rather than accepting them where they are.
[00:08:49] Dori Durbin: Yeah, and it's just going to cause
[00:08:50] Laura Reagan: rebellion again. Most teen rebellion, if you will is about the parents need to control.
[00:08:56] Dori Durbin: That's sad to think about.
[00:08:57] Dori Durbin: Because I get both sides. I really do. [00:09:00] I get the, I'm going to protect you, help you make decisions, guide you, you don't know better yet, that kind of philosophy. And I also get, I want to be an independent adult who makes my own decisions, wants to make mistakes. So it is, it's a hard, it's an in between.
[00:09:16] Laura Reagan: It's a tightrope, right? It is a tightrope. And how teens need to be able to make their own decisions and make mistakes and have consequences to those mistakes. If I go to a slumber party sleepover in middle school and I stay up, till the wee hours of the morning. I'm gonna be exhausted for dance class the next day and I'm gonna learn from that.
[00:09:38] Laura Reagan: Now, if the parent's willing to pay the price of a grumpy teen on that weekend, it's a good lesson to learn, right? For them to learn how to manage their time and their energy. So that conversation is worthy.
[00:09:54] Dori Durbin: Yeah. Okay, tell me a little bit more about the conscious communication [00:10:00] versus what we would typically try to do.
[00:10:02] Dori Durbin: I know you just started to, but how does it work? What does it look like?
[00:10:06] Laura Reagan: I talked a little bit about the philosophy behind it, right? Which is to communicate as an equal. That doesn't mean that you surrender your power. Position as a parent or you surrender the need to have structure in the home.
[00:10:19] Laura Reagan: It simply means that i'm going to talk to you as if your opinion matters, right? And there's some skills that do that and they are not. Rocket science or they're not unique They've been tried before, you know in different parenting models but I put them together in a way that really works for teens and they are Five, I think, in total affirmation is the first one, because we really want to reflect our team's goodness, their character traits the, it's basic behaviorism 101 the, what I water grows, so when I affirm their loyalty as a [00:11:00] friend, then that, loyalty will grow when I affirm their helpfulness to their younger siblings, that will grow.
[00:11:07] Laura Reagan: So that's a basic tenant of good parenting anyway, is to reflect back the goodness that you see. The second one is open ended questions. And little mini help here, I have some resources on my website, LauraLReagan. com, and one of them is this next skill, open ended questions. It's a way to phrase things that, and questions so that they share more.
[00:11:33] Laura Reagan: It can't be answered with a yes or no answer. You know what, every parent knows this frustration. How was school today? Fine. And then the conversation stops, right? Tell me about who you ate lunch with. Did you like what they served in the cafeteria? And that gets you inside of their world.
[00:11:53] Laura Reagan: I saw you studying your math for your math test last night. How did that go? It gives more space for the [00:12:00] conversation to develop even in as and parents complain about this all the time to me, I wind up playing taxi cab driver to my team who's going from activity to activity. But using that.
[00:12:12] Laura Reagan: Car time as conversation time is really helpful and that's why I developed 20 questions that are open ended to help us learn how to phrase things in a way that solicits more of a response. These are relationship building times. And conscious parenting is all about building that relationship and fortifying that relationship in a way that creates this mutual respect.
[00:12:40] Laura Reagan: That's
[00:12:40] Dori Durbin: really neat. And I love that you're using that time in the car because we all know that there's, it could be countless hours spent in the car and they could be on their device for the
[00:12:49] Laura Reagan: whole time. Exactly. Exactly. And then the other two conversation skills are some that we'll talk about in a few minutes is active listening where we reflect.[00:13:00]
[00:13:00] Laura Reagan: back to them the feeling that we're hearing and the phrasing that we're hearing from them so that they feel heard and seen. That's what all kids need and want. That's what all human beings need and want is to feel heard and seen, right? And then when we have an issue that we need to bring up because it's our relationship too we use I messages.
[00:13:19] Laura Reagan: I feel X about Y. And there's other I statements that are helpful in parenting. I want, I need, I believe. Because there is a time when we share our belief statements but they can't argue with our feelings. I feel I feel really relieved and it gives me a sense of relaxation when I walk into the kitchen and it's perfectly cleaned up after I've had a long hard day.
[00:13:43] Laura Reagan: So thanks for cleaning it up after your snack time. We're both using iMessages in a positive way and using gratitude. And cultivating that culture of gratitude in the home is really helpful as well. So finding ways to communicate that honors their [00:14:00] personhood, that they feel seen and heard, is really what conscious communication is all about.
[00:14:05] Laura Reagan: And doing it in a way that prepares them for the future. If I can tell a story about how these skills worked my youngest daughter went to Pennsylvania for an internship. She went to Equine College instead of a traditional college and her first job interview was with a retired superintendent, 70 something years old, who had bought a horse farm and was really excited.
[00:14:29] Laura Reagan: And here she's fresh out of Equine College and, ready to go on this first job interview after her internship. I'm sorry. And he wanted To have her be the writing instructor and quite frankly, the bar manager, and it was a 2 day interview process to tour the facility and get to know the situation and they were at dinner and he was asking her some questions and she said, let me stop you right here.
[00:14:53] Laura Reagan: I think we could have a, here. She is 2020. she's 20 years old. Exactly. And he's 70. I [00:15:00] think I, I can do this job and I love the facility and I really appreciate being shown around, but there's some things you're doing in course care that are not the way that I was taught. And would you be willing here's an open question, would you be willing to consider doing X, Y, Z and he said, yes, it's going to cost us a little bit of money.
[00:15:20] Laura Reagan: But, yes, I am willing can we, add some changes in over time? And she was eventually hired in part because she was so impressed with her ability to confidently communicate, which we had been doing her entire, adolescence. So that doesn't mean we didn't have our own pitfalls and difficulties and struggles and roller coaster rides.
[00:15:43] Laura Reagan: But this way of communicating is exactly the way we want our kids to show up in the world. So it really does set them up for success. What a
[00:15:52] Dori Durbin: great story. What a great example.
[00:15:55] Laura Reagan: It's so cool. Did my mama heart proud, but she did herself proud. [00:16:00]
[00:16:00] Dori Durbin: Yeah, for sure. And I was just thinking what could have come out instead?
[00:16:05] Dori Durbin: It could have been like I only work here if you do X, Y, Z, or I'm not going to work here because of these things that are wrong, but she took it in such a positive way. That's amazing. Good job, Laura. Yeah.
[00:16:18] Laura Reagan: And a lot of teams, shut down. And she was 20. She was a young adult, but it's easy to shut down when you know that something's not right for you.
[00:16:26] Laura Reagan: And then you don't feel that you can step up and communicate about that. But she had the ability to articulate her needs and wants because we had done that. I had used the iMessage statement. She had heard it modeled. She'd been actively listened to, so she knew her opinion mattered. She did it in respectful ways, so it's really, it's awesome.
[00:16:46] Laura Reagan: It's what we want our teens to be able to do. And quite frankly, we don't know, and you as an educator know this better than anybody, we don't know what the job market is going to look like in the future. Our social institutions are struggling right now. But what we [00:17:00] do know is these interpersonal skills will serve them for a lifetime.
[00:17:05] Dori Durbin: Absolutely. Yeah, and I was just thinking, the way that you phrased the I statements, they were so positive instead of, I think this house is a mess, we need to have it cleaned up for me to think logically, it was, I love being relaxed, so even just those little subtle differences, obviously a huge difference.
[00:17:25] Dori Durbin: Okay
[00:17:26] Laura Reagan: those that are good managers in their jobs communicate this way to adults all the time. They know that this is the way to get the best out of employees. Why don't we use that with our kids? Why do we not respect our kids the same way? And that's what I mean about equality.
[00:17:41] Dori Durbin: Yeah, that's such a stark difference from the, I know exactly what you need to do and you need to listen to me.
[00:17:48] Laura Reagan: Because I know exactly what you need to do. is awesome in the military or in a crisis when you're packing up because a hurricane is coming, but it doesn't work in preparing teens for the future, [00:18:00] and it doesn't respect them so that we feel respected as well. So as as tried as it may sound, if we want respect, we got to give respect.
[00:18:09] Laura Reagan: No, it's huge. I
[00:18:11] Dori Durbin: think that's huge. Okay. So walk me through some scenarios. Let's say I'm a parent who they know that their child's academics could be so much better. As a matter of fact, they're even thinking that maybe they're not even trying. How do we talk to them in this way without, so it's keeping them on
[00:18:31] Laura Reagan: the same level?
[00:18:32] Laura Reagan: Sure. I have an example of that in a free download off my website. It's called a conflict free Checklist to use with your teams. So that's available to listeners as well. Both the conscious, the conversation starters and then the checklist, but, say they are failing math. And this is an AP course.
[00:18:56] Laura Reagan: It's 1 of those gateway courses like algebra. And if they're going to [00:19:00] have a college future, it's time to get moving, right? And math has not been their strong suit. So you were fearful this day was coming. How do I then approach it? In this scenario, it's I'm feeling concerned that you don't have a lot of time in the semester to turn this failing midterm around.
[00:19:21] Laura Reagan: Do you? And so I'm feeling concerned. That was an I message. Do you have a plan of attack and that's respectful to this, their grade, their journey to take, but I'd like to be led in on the process and I might have some ideas for you is the implied. Thanks. So you're not coming in with big guns, authoritarian what are you going to do about this grade?
[00:19:44] Laura Reagan: We got to get this up. AP's come in. You can do this for free now in high school and have credit. Why do you want to repeal it? We're not projecting down the road. We're not the future where right now, do you have a plan? And it's, the tones are. You've been calm and respectful.
[00:19:58] Laura Reagan: You've done your Zen [00:20:00] meditation, you're coming open hearted. You've done your part of the work and do you have a plan. Yeah, mom, actually I do. I go into tutoring with after school and my teachers working with me. Oh, that's awesome. I'm. So glad to hear that you're taking this initiative.
[00:20:18] Laura Reagan: However, this is already past the midterm and I'm concerned that change might not be enough. I want to let you know that I'm willing to hire a tutor, a college student to come work with you a couple of days a week. If you feel that would be helpful. And he says let me see, if.
[00:20:38] Laura Reagan: Thanks, mom. But let me see if the after school tutor is going to work in my quiz grades first. And then if I'm still not getting it, then yeah, maybe we need to think about it too. So mom gets to give her idea while being respectful of his responsibility and the fact that he wants to work his solution first.
[00:20:58] Laura Reagan: Again, open ended questions, I [00:21:00] messages and then offering assistance where you can. That's awesome.
[00:21:06] Dori Durbin: I think that would at least give them the out later to say, okay, maybe the quizzes didn't turn out quite like I planned. What was that idea again? Mom, right? If that really was,
[00:21:17] Laura Reagan: or the parent can even set that up and you do it respectfully by doing it this way by saying, because I'm anxious about the timeline here.
[00:21:26] Laura Reagan: Can I check in with you in two weeks to see. Where you are, and maybe then we need to think of something different. By soliciting their input that this is a we process. Not that it's your problem as a parent what their grades make. That's my opinion anyway, is that even if they need to fail, they need to fail and they can learn from that.
[00:21:49] Laura Reagan: But you're there, you're stating clearly that you're there to help.
[00:21:53] Dori Durbin: Do you think there's, and I'll get back to these other scenarios in just a second, but do you think there's a point where [00:22:00] being author authoritarian, there we go. Do you think there's a point where being authoritarian actually. Is a benefit to a certain age and then doing this or do you start from the very beginning when they're little
[00:22:13] Laura Reagan: it's my opinion that you start early, because how else are you going to know what your opinion is as a child know that you need to be heard.
[00:22:24] Laura Reagan: It's funny culturally we sanction. The word no, when it's about body autonomy, we want kids to be able to say, no, that hurts, but we don't do it when it's about, other issues and a no has to be a no early on, even if it's I don't like my vegetables, okay, you don't like your vegetables today, we're going to try again tomorrow, so that you place the structure there.
[00:22:50] Laura Reagan: I started with my girls early, at 18 months, you want the red shirt or the blue shirt, they had autonomy over what they wore. You're just sharing so much with them [00:23:00] that they count, they matter. We, from the psychological point of view, talk about self esteem building, but the reality is it's about choice making.
[00:23:11] Dori Durbin: That's fascinating. Okay, we'll go back to the scenarios for a second. Sure. So curfews, always uncomfortable anyway, some people just don't do them. But let's say you have a curfew. and your teen is constantly nudging it, or just totally ignoring it. What would the conversation look like there?
[00:23:30] Laura Reagan: Think the same verb, the I statements you're bringing it up cause it's not an issue for them. It's our issue, right? They feel comfortable doing what they're doing. Worried about you being out so late and make it about their health. You need, you're not getting enough time to rest.
[00:23:46] Laura Reagan: Certain element is on the streets at that time. Driving at that hour is difficult for all of us, whether I'm the one picking you up or, you're driving late night there's more opportunity for risk at that time. [00:24:00] And I'm simply not comfortable with you not being home at a certain time.
[00:24:05] Laura Reagan: And then give them space to talk about it because I would rather than talk about it. Okay. And express their rejection of the ideas or their frustration with the ideas. Openly, right? This is open for discussion. You really want to, it's tougher as a parent. I get it. It takes time and energy that you may not have.
[00:24:28] Laura Reagan: I get it. I get it. I get it. But for them to register their protests in a healthy way really will serve you later. And serve them later, just like my daughter's interview, you want them to be able to speak to authority respectfully. And if we don't create spaces to do that then it doesn't happen.
[00:24:47] Laura Reagan: I would use the I message I'm feeling uncomfortable about you being out so late and this is why for health reasons for sleep for risky behavior at night for drivers at night, drunk driving happens more [00:25:00] in the evenings that kind of thing. I don't want to set you up for. Problems. Those are my reasons.
[00:25:05] Laura Reagan: What do you think? Let me know your opinion. And you open that door with an open ended question and they can come back and have all kind of rationale as to why it will work for them. And they'll use the back roads and they're not going to use the highway. They have an idea of what to do in case of a, a car emergency, they know how to call 911 or AAA, they will have every possible scenario mapped out in protest.
[00:25:32] Laura Reagan: That's great. Let them make their case fully hear them. use your active listening. So I hear you say, repeat it back to them. Nevertheless, I'm uncomfortable with you being out this late for health reasons, for getting enough sleep, for risking drunk driving at night. No one knows what the X factor variable might be that you could run into.
[00:25:56] Laura Reagan: I'm more comfortable with you being home at this time. That doesn't mean you have to go to [00:26:00] bed on the weekends at a specific time. It means I want you in the doors. Safe and locked. Yeah.
[00:26:06] Dori Durbin: I love that. I love that. I could totally hear that conversation too because I was going to say I'd probably say we had 10 more minutes of the movie and, and like you said, take the back road home and all of those things.
[00:26:19] Dori Durbin: I love this. Okay.
[00:26:20] Laura Reagan: And then I do think when there is a late movie and it's, Rocky Horror Picture Show for the 95th time or, whatever it is. Yeah. I am open for individual case by case discussion. No, this time. I'm happy to come pick you up at 1am. It's a one time occurrence. You get to play that card one time because I don't want you driving at 1am.
[00:26:43] Laura Reagan: This is something I'm willing to do because I know this is a lot of fun. I had a lot of fun at Rocky Horror Picture Show too. I get, I think you make some flexibility there, but you don't lay down your rationale, your rules, your feelings. They're valid too. That's awesome.
[00:26:59] Dori Durbin: Okay. [00:27:00] Curious about this one. Okay. Their attitude is not appropriate, not warranted. Whatever you want to say, they're just very negative or upset. Can
[00:27:10] Laura Reagan: you give a specific example?
[00:27:12] Dori Durbin: Yeah, I could. So let's say we're forcing them to do something. Let's say it's a family reunion. They have to go.
[00:27:18] Dori Durbin: It's going to look bad for the family. It's expected whatever. Grumpy, not
[00:27:23] Laura Reagan: wanting to go. What do we do for them? Again, you create the space to talk about it. Can you tell me more about why you don't want to go? There's nothing to do. It's boring. I have to see people. I'm only going to see once a year.
[00:27:36] Laura Reagan: I don't know any of these folks. I don't have my phone, all the protests, right? They get to register all of that. I can see where that would be really frustrating, not to have your phone. I'd have access to your friends. This is a 2 hour afternoon out of your weekend. It's something that will be meaningful to you down the road to have [00:28:00] a face to a name of extended family members that we don't know.
[00:28:04] Laura Reagan: What do you think would help you pass the time better? What do you think would connect you more to these people? Are you open to some ideas? Can I tell you a story about the war veteran? Can I tell you a story about, in my case, your Cherokee heritage? And this is your great grandmother that, was a full blooded Cherokee and how that might even be using a book report down the road.
[00:28:29] Laura Reagan: You never know, so this could serve you anytime we get an opportunity to help this be about them. Because teams are all about themselves and rightfully. So that's their stage of development. It. It can be a positive experience if you allow it. So I really wouldn't use that your attitude is not good or helpful.
[00:28:48] Laura Reagan: They have a right to their feelings just like I do. It's more using the open ended questions. How can I help you see that? This could be beneficial, would you be willing to [00:29:00] spend 2 hours with the family and then have? a friend come pick you up or meet you later, and do something fun down the road.
[00:29:08] Laura Reagan: Can we, talk about how to make this a more positive experience that will work for both of us? Nice. So smooth. That's awesome. Yeah. Open ended questions are amazing. Be curious, right? That's what, and I hear you saying, you're in the summary with the active listening. Okay. How
[00:29:28] Dori Durbin: about the risky behaviors?
[00:29:30] Dori Durbin: So maybe you're suspicious that risky behaviors are happening. How does the conversation start here, and how do I press deeper to really find out?
[00:29:40] Laura Reagan: Again, iMessages and open ended questions and active listening is really key. An appreciation, gratitude, affirmation, the whole nine yards, but I'm just going to share an example from my experience.
[00:29:50] Laura Reagan: I am a recovering alcoholic, 22 years sober, and so our conversations around alcohol and drugs was about [00:30:00] safety as it always is with parents, right? That we have this genetic predisposition and our. family gene pool. And if you choose to experiment with alcohol and drugs, you're going to probably tip off that gene.
[00:30:18] Laura Reagan: If it's in you, it's in you. No harm, no foul. It's not your fault. It's the genetic code, the cards we were dealt. You need to be aware that experimentation for you might be riskier than somebody else. And if you choose to experiment, I'd like us to have a conversation about that ahead of time. Is that something you'd be willing to do?
[00:30:39] Laura Reagan: So you see how you created the space to talk about it? It's not, don't drink or use. It's right. It's around you. You're going to have the opportunity to experiment. This is what it might mean for you. If you don't have that, say that you are a drinker yourself and, a beer with dinner, a glass of wine on [00:31:00] the weekends is something that you and your family have normalized.
[00:31:03] Laura Reagan: You're an adult. You can do that. Team brains are still developed and therefore our family. wants to protect you and your health and experimenting when you're a minor is not healthy. So if you ever find yourself at a party or a situation, what would you do? And one of the things I coach parents is to have a code word by text, just some safe word, grandma's here might be one so that the teen can blame the parent.
[00:31:35] Laura Reagan: Oh, I can't. I can't party tonight or I can't partake tonight because grandma's coming and we've got a family obligation, whatever you guys decide together these preventative conversations are really helpful to teens, because they're going to get confronted and they need to have options about how to deal with it.
[00:31:56] Laura Reagan: Yeah,
[00:31:57] Dori Durbin: I was thinking even with the alcohol is [00:32:00] a great example. Another thought I had was just the peer pressure. We haven't talked about sexual anything on the show yet, but I, we were talking right before, and I think there's a lot of pressure, especially for teens to be, people pleasers.
[00:32:15] Dori Durbin: And so trying to get into the conversation with them about, talking about things as intimate as that same kind of scenario,
[00:32:23] Laura Reagan: yeah. One of the questions I have on that conversation starters is what are the Attributes you would look for in a good boyfriend or girlfriend, and it begins you thinking about respect, right?
[00:32:38] Laura Reagan: And another one is, Valentine's Day has just passed. February is the teen dating violence prevention month. And a great way to enter those conversations is, hey, I was reading about teen violence prevention dating. And I wondered if you've ever heard from one of your girlfriends or friends [00:33:00] at school that they've been in a situation where they were harmed or felt belittled, even put down verbally by their I don't want to say partner, but their boyfriend or girlfriend.
[00:33:12] Laura Reagan: Oh, yeah, Susie had that happen and we all told her she should break up with this guy and she, didn't, she really felt like she loved him. Amen. Oh, thanks for telling me. I really appreciate, you shared that with me. What would you do in that situation? Again, these open ended questions are ways to create the safe space to begin to talk about these kinds of things and later after you've had a couple of those conversations, I believe, and that's where you use your eyes to.
[00:33:41] Laura Reagan: So it's not preaching. It's not a rule. It's not something you've set up, but you're being really relational and respecting the fact that they are developing these values and that they have these other influences and you want to hear what those influences are. So this is a good way to get into it.
[00:33:57] Laura Reagan: It's funny.
[00:33:58] Dori Durbin: This really is a [00:34:00] side shoot, but I know when our kids went to college, one of the things that we said was, we'll promise to never be mad. We might have a reaction, but we'll never be mad. We'll never be angry with you. We just want to know what's going on in your life. So if something comes up, then you can talk to us about it.
[00:34:17] Dori Durbin: And I always felt like that was a really secure thing. And then when you send them off, you start thinking, are they going to tell me, are they going to tell me, right? So that open ended questioning, or just, I love the idea of curiosity seems so much more welcoming and natural for a parent to be just having this conversation and bringing it up.
[00:34:41] Dori Durbin: And I would hope that the child would feel, the teen would feel comfortable enough to be able to just, work their way through it. But I guess that's where that beginning, starting early in their lives, having that part of your process is really important.
[00:34:55] Laura Reagan: And the trust building, right? Doing all the relationship building pieces.[00:35:00]
[00:35:00] Laura Reagan: That happens, the one I think about is we would be in the car and okay, I get to play my Bon Jovi. Now you play what you want to play. And we would talk about the lyrics and we would, we would switch back and forth on our trips. Who got to play what when this was pretty cell phone when you can pop the earbuds in and do it yourself.
[00:35:20] Laura Reagan: But I would be curious. Hey, would you play that for me so I can. Grow my music appreciation and there was stuff that I couldn't stand and there were some things that were like rock opera and I was like that's pretty cool. So all those you're depositing in the bank, right? These relational, the relational groundwork to have those conversations that are tougher down the road because you built credibility your trustworthy that way.
[00:35:48] Laura Reagan: I love that. Oh, you have a book on all this. I have a book and I have the Spanish translation right here. But it's how to raise respectful [00:36:00] parents. It's actually written to the teen or young adult and it goes over all of these communication skills. It's as if the teen got dropped as an alien into a family system and didn't know how the rules work and what would you do to set up.
[00:36:16] Laura Reagan: The family in a way that you felt heard and seen. So it's making the teen the change maker, but like all good children and teens books, they're really written for adults, so at the end of every chapter is an exercise that the teen and the parent can do together to grow their trust and communication and relationships.
[00:36:35] Laura Reagan: So it's really how to begin to map this more respectful. Relationship. It's never too late. You can start, even with young adults, you can start having this kind of connection that will really serve both of you in the end. I love that.
[00:36:52] Dori Durbin: And it's really good to hear, too, because I think sometimes people don't believe that.
[00:36:56] Dori Durbin: They believe, okay they're, my, my teen is actually 19 turning [00:37:00] 20, and so I lost my shot, and it's never going to be the same. Always going to be like this, but then you're saying that's not true.
[00:37:06] Laura Reagan: It's not. Psychology looks at the first five years of a kid's life, and this is when the personality is formed, and when they believe that's when depression and anxiety begins because of how they felt shut down, on and on.
[00:37:19] Laura Reagan: Sociology looks at this differently. It's, we're all participating in a socially agreed upon construct. And we co created it. So how about we be conscious about how we co created it, and we can change it if we want to. And I'm living proof that it can change, my, my girls love and respect me and I screwed up, I, we went through a family divorce.
[00:37:43] Laura Reagan: I was part of generational alcoholism, and because we were truth tellers and we were emotionally available things healed, it's a really powerful thing. That's awesome.
[00:37:57] Dori Durbin: Okay. So tell them what you do yourself [00:38:00] with parents and teens.
[00:38:02] Laura Reagan: Sure. I'm a parent team communication coach. Like I said, go to my website, larrellreagan.
[00:38:08] Laura Reagan: com and remember to put the L in there and Reagan spelled R E A G A N. But there's two freebies on there. One about the open ended questions called conversation starters and there's the conflict free checklist that you really can have conversations about tough topics. In a way, that's respectful and engages your team to make solutions with you as the whole point is with our teams and not for or to our teams, right?
[00:38:36] Laura Reagan: That we're doing relationship with them. It's a different philosophy. It's part of the conscious parenting movement, but I really focus on communication skills because that's the change maker there. That's the transformational piece. And I've got a coaching program at any price point. We can start where you are.
[00:38:54] Laura Reagan: I'm happy to be of service. This is my calling. Something I very [00:39:00] much enjoyed. Doing and really want to help parents connect more deeply with their kids and, be generational pattern breakers so that we can move from this authoritarian mindset.
[00:39:12] Dori Durbin: That's awesome. You have a Facebook page too, right?
[00:39:15] Laura Reagan: I do. It's called Heart to Heart Parents. and also have a Facebook group. It's called Brave Parents Raising Teens and there's a lot of help inside of there and parents share their scenarios and things they're wrestling with in real time, so I would love to have folks come be a part of that.
[00:39:34] Dori Durbin: And is there a specific spot you'd want somebody to reach out to you at if they needed your help right away?
[00:39:40] Laura Reagan: Sure, that you can schedule a free introductory conversation. We'd just like to hear what your family dynamics are, and make my best recommendation for the next step for you. And you can schedule that also at laraelvega.
[00:39:57] Laura Reagan: com. There's a big bar there that says [00:40:00] schedule a consultation now. Perfect. Perfect.
[00:40:03] Dori Durbin: Any last advice for parents who want to make a change with their communication and their teens?
[00:40:08] Laura Reagan: Sure. I think we shared it a couple of times, but it's to create that safe space for them to share. And that means to be as non judgmental as you can.
[00:40:17] Laura Reagan: It doesn't mean you don't have your opinions. You get to state those with those I messages. But it means that You respect that they have opinions and they're experiencing variables that we did not have to deal with. It's a really stressful time to be a teen. So curiosity in your conversation helps.
[00:40:35] Laura Reagan: Listening is absolutely vital and listening with empathy is what will help them engage with you more. Awesome. Thank you
[00:40:45] Dori Durbin: so much, Laura, for your time today. This was fabulous. Thank you,
[00:40:49] Laura Reagan: Dori. I really appreciate what you're doing. Oh, thank
[00:40:53] Dori Durbin: you so much.